I only have a year left of college until I graduate. I should have graduated a few years ago, but numerous hospitalizations and health issues have held me back. When I was previously updating this blog, I was studying neuroscience -- neuropsychology to be exact. I wanted that phD so badly I could taste it. I have one year left studying pediatric nursing. I often think about what life would like now if I stayed with science. Instead, I'm bartending, slinging drinks and settling for the next best thing. I do that a lot now -- settle for the next best thing.
That brings me to ER. ER is a best friend of mine, and he's known me since I was just 16 years old. My family adores the hell out of ER. He has a great job, has his shit together, is respectful, thoughtful and an overall perfect guy. There is absolutely no question that if I were having a flare up, he would be there for me in a heartbeat. If I were lying in a hospital bed, I wouldn't feel insecure about how he felt about it. We talk every single day. Good morning and goodnight texts, even stupid random pictures of what we're up to. And just like my career, I often think of what life would be like if I was with ER.
Then I think about what life would be like if I stayed in the Pacific Northwest, or even in Philadelphia. Instead, I'm living in a city that I wasn't always 100% a fan of, but I'm making the best of it.
Finally, I wonder about R, and what life would be like right now if I were just upfront and honest, instead of an irrational loonytoon, doing irrational shit because I was a big puss about him seeing his vision of a perfect girl being plagued by health problems. With him, there was always a feeling of us vs. the world, and I loved that. Like no matter what life slung at us, if we had each other, everything would be alright. I didn't feel lonely knowing that he was out there. My best friend Monica asked me last night if me and R were too similar, but that's just another thing I love about him. It's comforting.
|Best friends will call your ass out|
If things can't be repaired with R, I will be more open about dating. Strangely enough, guys he knows will reach out to me over Facebook or Instagram and ask me out on a date. They have no clue, of course, so it's strange to say "you're sweet, but I'm currently involved with someone", when I want to say "listen, I'm currently involved with someone and that someone is your boy". There's also a girl in me and R's orbit that I've become close with. It's always awkward to say no thanks, even though I'm technically single, but currently in limbo with someone I'm head over heels about. I hate being in limbo, but I see things with me and R to be potentially really special, and having a strong relationship that's not exactly typical. And that's another thing -- we are so bizarre, and life with him is strange, but I fucking love it. However, I will be open to the possibilities if things don't work out. Keeping walls out can become exhausting and at this point, I'm over it. I'm ready for something different.