What It Feels Like To Be Diagnosed With MS

My dad brought me into the E.R. during the afternoon of February 14th, 2006.  The E.R. was packed.  I remember one man's skin was literally melting off after an explosion with his grill.  There was a teenager with his hand wrapped, bandages soaked in blood.  As soon as I walked up to go register myself, I fell right to the floor.  I could feel my legs, but the floor felt like sand and my legs weren't listening to the commands in my head.

"GET A WHEELCHAIR!  HURRY!  GET HER A ROOM!" the nurses said, yelling for help.

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I was resting in my hospital bed after a long day of being poked and prodded.  I remember the lights were off, but the glow of the television set lit the room.  I wasn't watching t.v., I was waiting for a doctor to come tell me why I couldn't move my legs.  I was wondering why my friends weren't calling.  I wondered what my boyfriend was going to do that night for Valentine's Day.

My neurologist came in and explained to me all of my test results.  Blood tests were negative, negative for STD's, negative for drugs, negative for Lyme Disease, negative for Transverse Myelitis.

"The only option left is Multiple Sclerosis.  You'll have MRI's tomorrow to see if there are any lesions," he explained, holding my hand as I cried in my hospital bed.  I knew what Multiple Sclerosis was, my cousin had it and his MS was so severe.  I had heard stories of how my aunt took him to Mexico for bee stings and snake venom.  Years ago, there barely were any options to help MS, but rumor had it that bee stings and venom could be a possible cure.  My aunt had tried her hardest.  My cousin's MS impacted the family so traumatically, I knew when I would tell my father that I'd have MS, he wouldn't take it so well.

I think I became more worried about telling people about MS than the actual diagnosis itself.

The hospital doctors talked about I-V steroids and rehab -- maybe I'll get better and walk again.  I was in high spirits, but not for long.  In rehab, everyone is on a set schedule.  There was a 7 a.m. wake-up call, 8 a.m. breakfast, 9 a.m. rehab, 11 a.m - 1 p.m. was lunch and resting, 2 p.m was rehab and you were done for the day at 4 p.m., followed by a 5 p.m. dinner.

I got into my wheelchair at 7:30 a.m. to get ready for breakfast.  At that time, I barely knew how to use a wheelchair.  I couldn't push with my legs, so I relied heavily on others to push me around.  And there I was -- in the middle of the rehab hallway by myself, unable to push my wheelchair and no one around to help me.  It was then when I realized how alone I felt, how my diagnosis alienated me from the world I knew.  It was then I realized my diagnosis would change my life forever and the life as I knew it would never be the same.

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My friend doing the WalkMS with me last year

When someone is diagnosed with MS, their world is turned upside-down.  First, you have to learn to accept it.  It might take years to accept a diagnosis, but initially, you hear it happening but you never believe it will ever happen to you.  Second, you worry about what your friends and family will think.  You will start to feel like a burden to other people.  You feel like you'll become the "downer" to your friends.  Then when friends call less and less, your fears become realized.  I had spent hours on a computer researching what MS really was and I sunk myself into a world of "what if's".  Will I ever have children?  Will I become a vegetable one day?  Am I going to work again?  Who will want to love someone like me?  Will I ever be happy again like I was?  A diagnosis sounded like the end of the world.  

But a diagnosis doesn't have to be that way.  I tell everyone I talk to from this website the same thing -- I wish I could tell you everything will be coming up daisies, but it won't.  However, MS will change your life in ways you have never imagined.  Even though friends came and go, a new crop of friends will show... friends who will support you no matter what; true friends.  Family bonds will be tightened.  And here's the best part -- your confidence will be stellar.  You are fighting MS -- you can fight anything.  You are the ultimate fighting ninja warrior and you can do it all.  Positivity and determination will take you every where in the world, always remember that.