While We're Young

I won't be live-blogging this one from the hospital, because every time I start to talk about it, I cry like a giant baby.  Plus, there is an insanely cute nurse on my rotation this morning... let's keep it cool, here, right?

As of right now, I'm waiting to go get a swallowing test.  I've done so many of these in my lifetime of MS.  Basically, they put you up against an x-ray machine and watch you eat radioactive food.  The doctors are able to see the way you swallow because everything in your mouth and throat looks likes Superman's gourds.   Doctors are believing the reason I get chronic pneumonia so much is the fact I'm not swallowing my foods right and the food is going down the wrong tube.  I could potentially die from this.

My MRI's came back, as well.  My brain is riddled with new lesions, as well as old lesions.  It's safe to say, my MS isn't getting any better.  My loving readers, my MS has been upgraded to Progressive.


For some reason, this hospitalization was different.  I've lost count over so many times, but I took a life at my, at my choices and I got this deep, dark sinking feeling that I've been wasting away the years of my health to... well, nothing.  As if I've been chasing my tail and getting absolutely nowhere.  I've had quite a few chances over the last few months to move, but I knew it would be a bad idea with maybe the worst roommates ever.  Now that I'm not on a lease living by myself and I'm taking a break from school, what a better time than now to make a run for it?

I'm happy, but I know I'm not giving it my all.  Whether it's plain laziness or fear of failure, goddammit, I will give this attempt 110% effort.

I was sinking right back into the place I tried to run from in my early 20's.  I didn't tell people I was sick.  I didn't tell friends I was in the hospital.  I didn't care -- this fight was my own to fight.  I have no right to be angry at others for it

After talks, and when I say "talks" - I mean crying blubs of mess - with my parents... they came to my help.  And after more talks with friends, I knew it would be a done deal by the 3rd night in the hospital at 2 a.m. looking at schools to transfer to, essays to write and check-lists to be done.

I never believed in running away from your problems.  I've always felt they'd come right back to haunt you if you conquer them in the first place.  However,  feel like me and Philly have ended our love affair a long time ago.  Like I've told the folks the other night; "I want to live somewhere no one knows I'm sick.  I want to be given a second chance in life like any normal girl should."



I think I at least deserve that.  I want the ability to live a life I haven't yet while I'm still young.