A friend recently told me that is it’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the fight inside the dog. It has been keeping me grounded. (Thank you)
Tonight, I had an invitation to a party where the theme was ‘G’ and I was excited about going. I have a beautiful Geisha costume, some parts original and authentic.
This past week, I’ve been driving to and from class but I’ve noticed that I can feel the pedal, I just don’t know where the pedal begins or ends, so my foots slips off. Or my foot feels so heavy, that I speed up quickly or make short stops. To help myself, I’ve been using a cane while at school; carrying a 20lb book-bag can tire a girl with MS out, but my friends haven’t seen me with a walking device for almost 5 years.
The girls I had plans with have seen me at my worst… at the hospital, during therapy and in a wheelchair. What made me so afraid? When one of my best friends asked when I would be arriving, I spent close to 15 minutes trying to respond whether or not, “should I lie and say I’m sick? Or should I tell the truth and risk friendship?”
My flare up is about a 6 ½ on a scale through 1-10 (10 being back in the chair). It starts off as a pins and needles sensation, like that feeling you get when your foot is just starting to fall asleep. Gradually, the sensation increases as if your leg was full-on asleep, like that moment when you try to gain balance from rising up from your seat and you are having a hard time feeling where your foot lands on the floor. This sensation reaches all the way to my lower breast and it’s all on my right side (which means I must have a lesion on the left side of my brain).
I can easily get treatment. Treatment should take 3-4 days depending on the severity. My flare up started a few weeks ago but I’ve been hesitating calling my neurologist. You see, school is ending and it has been the most difficult semester thus far. I had only 2 weeks left; why stop now? I promised that I would get treatment immediately but there is one thing that bothers me.
The last time I came to my doctor about a flare up, the only symptom was loss of vision. He instantly jumped to the conclusion that I should be admitted into the hospital. After some bargaining, I convinced him to do an at-home treatment where I would be set up with an IV. The steroid IV lasts for 3 days, 3 hours a day and you cannot leave the house because there is a temporary IV in your hand that can’t be exposed. If I came to my doctor now and explained that I’m pretty concerned about my health, I know an at-home treatment would probably be out of the question – I would be hospitalized again.
What gives me hope is that some days are better than others. When I used to have flare ups, they would increasingly become worse by the hour, but this time its been prolonged. What bothers me is that my social life is back to normal, I feel comfortable with my friends, I’m happy – hospitalization would destroy my spirit.
I can never explain how lonely it feels when you are experiencing an exacerbation. You’re basically on your own.
So tonight, instead of the party, I spent hours reading and cutting pictures out of National Geographic magazines from the 1970’s, knitting and painting presents for friends.
What’s different now is that I know I have it in me to fight, like my friend said. Years ago, I had nothing to fight for… my life was transient, unstable and had no direction. Now, I want my Doctorate more than anything, I love my friends, and emotionally I feel calm and stability I’ve never felt before.
Tonight, it made me happy to think that the only problems I have in my life are schoolwork and who to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve. I will never let my MS trump me, I hold the cards and it is my decision how to play them.
