Just when things were working out so well, I started to develop a pretty bad exacerbation.
It started with my foot. Sometimes when I’m having numbness in my foot, my foot starts leaning towards the side while I walk. I had a brace made for me a few years back in the hospital but it no longer fits me, so I have to be careful while I walk. No heels for a little while.
Then the sensation started to move upwards towards my lower torso. I joke that you could probably stick a fork in my side and I probably wouldn’t feel it. And my hands are very shaky -- not good for business. Someone at a dinner party the other night asked, “Are you okay? You’re shaking!” It’s embarrassing sometimes. What do you say to that? Not to mention that my balance is off, so I appear to look drunk or hopped up on something.
The normal thing would be to go to my Neurologist and set up an at-home IV treatment or spend a few days in the hospital, however I can’t afford to right now. My fall semester is ending very soon and I can’t miss any days. If I miss days, I lose the grant money I was awarded for having MS in the first place – irony, huh? So all I can do is hope that I don’t become worse between now and December 20th.
The worst thing I could possibly do is become negative about it. In the end, all of this makes me even stronger. Having MS puts your will, patience and mind to test. Someone recently told me that good things always come from something bad. That’s the way you have to look at life sometimes. No matter how dark you may think things are.. there will be a light somewhere.
My father once told me three things: don’t ever tell any guys you date that you are sick; they will never want you, to not be disappointed in life because I can’t be successful as other people because I have a disease, and try not to make friends; they will only hurt you in the end.
I can’t help to think sometimes that he may be right and I used to think that I would try my hardest to prove him wrong. That's not the case anymore; everything I try to do, I do for myself. How often can you say that you are truly proud of yourself?
