You Are Not Your Diagnosis

She'll be the same, just improved & with a bigger heart

I was talking to someone earlier about telling people about a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You see, MS is tricky – there is no cure, the treatment is not very reliable and not many people know what it is. But more importantly, when you are diagnosed, you need time to accept that diagnosis before you can tell other people.

And this is a great topic, because my anniversary is on Tuesday.

When I was first diagnosed, I lost my shit. I really had no idea what MS was and there were many times I sat in the rehab “rec room” to use their public computer and Google what I should expect. It took me awhile to accept that diagnosis, it took awhile to get over that initial shock and I was terrified about peoples’ reactions. You can really tell the bond between friendships when you are sick. I’m warning you now: some of the people you think may be there to support you, may not be there. When I was in the hospital back in November, the guy I lost my virginity to (and that old group of friends) was there and supported me every single day. Crazy, right? At the same time, you might become closer with those you didn’t think you would, like the example I just gave. When I really needed someone in the hospital, when I needed someone to hold my hand and just be there – it was one of my ex-boyfriends. We’ll always love each other. When I called him and told him what had happened, he drove right over. He pulled up a chair, made me laugh and watched television with me for hours.

When you are going to tell your friends about your diagnosis, start with those who have been through the worst with you. You will need someone to be there if you fall. Give the news some time; let everyone sink the information in. It can be a really beautiful thing when people begin to support you in ways they hadn’t before. And when you tell… let’s say a significant other or someone you are dating, I don’t know. I’m not an expert, clearly, on that. I’ve always found dropping, “hey, I have MS” a lot easier than saying “hey, I have cancer”. Think of it this way: if your partner leaves you because of your diagnosis, you did not need that person in your life. I don’t know about any of you, but I like my partners to feel like best friends. I want to feel able enough to go to them with anything and not feel like I’m being judged. If you have to question this, seriously re-evaluate. There might come a time when you are healthy for years and end up in a wheelchair down the road.

However, significant others are tricky too. You are going to hear questions like, “can you have children?” “is it contagious?”, or them re-word something nice with a bow but really mean “will I have to take care of you one day?” And sometimes you might get lucky. I recently dated a really great guy, who when I told him I had MS, he researched all about it later that night. When the next time I saw him, he knew so much about my condition, he felt really comfortable to talk to me about it. He read my blog; all of it. Some people are really compassionate and some people aren’t.

Bottom line is, it’s extremely difficult to tell the people you know you’re sick. It’s almost like making the disease real and come to life by everyone knowing. And sometimes, people may leave your life because of it. It’s an awful feeling. It’s one thing for someone to leave your life because you are a total asshole or doing something you can change about yourself, but it is another for someone to leave you because of something you can’t control.

There are always going to be issues down the line about telling someone your diagnosis. After my ex-boyfriend left me, it took a long time to trust someone again, but I eventually did. But it has made me a seriously greater person because of it. You are the ultimate kick ass fighter. I have a few friends that can’t piece themselves together after a break-up, drink and cry themselves into oblivion, and I have to wonder what they’d do if they had cancer. But you – you beautiful creature – you are a fighter. Everything you’ll do from now on will be more awesome. You’ll appreciate life more. You’ll appreciate the people in your life more. And you’ll know you’ll be able to conquer anything.

** I have been getting so many messages about me stopping my blog. Then I got one message, from a girl in New York, who told me she just had been diagnosed with cancer last month. She had been reading my blog to feel “as if she had a friend”. It broke my heart. Someone in my life once made a comment about my blog, about how he could never have time to manage one, let alone read it. It made me feel like shit, especially since my blog is about being sick. But I realize, I help people. I try to, at least. I have made really great friends because of my blog and connected them to other people in their situations. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. I work three jobs. I go to school part-time. Nothing in my life is more rewarding than speaking to all of you and knowing I might have helped at least one person because of my story.  And even though a lot of you have become totally immersed with my situation like it's Big and Carrie from Sex And the City (a few of you compared it to that - hilarious - I wish I had Carrie's shoe collection and Big is actually charming dreamboat) but I won't be talking about him.  Actually, I won't be talking about anyone I am romantically linked to, go on a date with or am interested in.  I mean, if I get married on Valentine's Day, I don't want my future husband to be like, "who the hell is Chunky Monkey?!"  Lately, I've lost "my fire" as a friend said.  Bottom line is, I don't want a relationship right now (I have work on myself first before I put "serious" energy into another person) but I want to enjoy company, I want to be romanced, I want to have fun on dates, I want to be cuddled with, I want to enjoy my new collection of lingerie, and I want to be smooched without all the hub-blub of something intense.  I want to be involved and have a little sweetness in my life without having to be COMPLETELY emotionally invested in something I know I can't put my 100% in at the moment.

The past year, I've been becoming closer with a lot of the people in my life and it's been a test for me.  I've always had a wall-up when it came to anyone close to me.  I've been so self-conscious about being so vulnerable, I forgot to enjoy life like I used to.  And because I've been so self-conscious, I've expected way too much from others to compensate for what I felt I lacked.  Like I told someone last night, I'm a Ferrari but I am acting like a Pinto.  I realize the old me wasn't the greatest person in the world, but that doesn't mean I have to completely change myself, which I thought I did.  I'm working on bringing the old Natalie back, even more awesome because this time around, I actually love myself, I love the people in my life and I love life.  Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived, not for everything to be so serious all of the time.  Thanks.