Atmosphere

Back to yoga

It's been a few years, but hi readers!

If your new to this blog, let me give a quick run down:

Years ago during a MS support group, the idea of starting a blog/vlogs and documenting your journey was encouraged.  Soon enough, I'd gain a decent following, met extraordinary people and great friends (a few I still keep in touch with).  It was therapeutic.  I'm not very open with discussing all the feels, but having this blog really helped with that.  I'm opening it will help again, and perhaps help other people new to this disease reading this.  I've unlocked all of my previous entries and will be unlocking my YouTube videos.

Since I last posted, I moved away from Philadelphia and made roots in Buffalo.  Strangely enough, MS is super prevalent around these parts.  I don't have to explain to a single person what Multiple Sclerosis actually is.  However, over the years I became withdrawn.  No longer being active in the MS community, I wasn't even telling people I had MS.  I thought moving to Buffalo would give me a new identity.

Living with this disease has absolutely been no picnic.  I stopped spending time with friends.  I stopped dating.  I stopped taking overall care of myself.  I became angry at the world, kept people at a distance and avoided my diagnosis at all costs.

Life was going well, blissfully ignorant, with my head in the sand.  Until I met someone new.  Let's call him R.  Now R is much younger -- I am talking real cougar, 9 year age difference.  What started off as what I wanted to be short-lived and inconspicuous, I would quickly become aware that this was the real deal.  Even though I've known him for 2 years, I've know him for much longer -- he was the image in my head of the ideal partner in crime for myself.  Plane going down levels of anxiety would set in.  After constantly being told you are perfect by someone you care about, it puts a lot of pressure on a person.  Telling someone you are romantically interested in that you are disabled with a disease that has no cure, panic and depression sets in.

Then my vision started to become blurry, the next month I had pins and needles in my hands, and then the following month I started to have difficulty walking.  I had to wake up to reality that this person who has put me on a perfect pedestal would see me at my worst.  Then my mother would validate my worst fear out loud -- he is 25, you are 34 with a progressive disease, so why on Earth would he stick around?  Like that, I would be at war with myself.  One side started to purposely try and sink the ship.  The other would put him to the test to see how he would be in crisis.  Lies, deception, and an overall shit-show would soon happen once my health became worse.   We had an expiration date and my mother could be right.  But with talent, I pushed away.  Ask anyone with MS and they will tell you that feeling like a burden is our worst fear realized.  I wanted R to not see me as perfect, as it was too much pressure on this sick girl's shoulders.  I cannot be perfect if there may come a day where he would have to help me take a shower, help me dress myself, or hold my hand when I'm unsteady.  And let me say that he is possibly one of the most unreliable people I have ever known.

He told me the other day that I ruined us.  And I did not because I purposely wanted to, but because of my own insecurities with being disabled.  It took burning what I had with R down to ash to realize that.

So here we are.  Losing someone I truly love very deeply was a wake-up call to get shit together, to take care of myself better, and to stop sabotaging life because I am scared shitless.  I need to work on myself.  In my 34 years of being on this Earth, I had never felt that way for another person.  In the process, I ruined myself as well.  And if I am going to welcome any relationships or friendships in the future, I am going to have to stop being a scared, self-sabotaging shithead.

I don‘t have many good years left, I need to start living.  I need to get out of my head and enjoy life for what it is.

I hope to reconnect with a lot of you soon.  This blog needs an extreme overhaul.

While We're Young

I won't be live-blogging this one from the hospital, because every time I start to talk about it, I cry like a giant baby.  Plus, there is an insanely cute nurse on my rotation this morning... let's keep it cool, here, right?

As of right now, I'm waiting to go get a swallowing test.  I've done so many of these in my lifetime of MS.  Basically, they put you up against an x-ray machine and watch you eat radioactive food.  The doctors are able to see the way you swallow because everything in your mouth and throat looks likes Superman's gourds.   Doctors are believing the reason I get chronic pneumonia so much is the fact I'm not swallowing my foods right and the food is going down the wrong tube.  I could potentially die from this.

My MRI's came back, as well.  My brain is riddled with new lesions, as well as old lesions.  It's safe to say, my MS isn't getting any better.  My loving readers, my MS has been upgraded to Progressive.


For some reason, this hospitalization was different.  I've lost count over so many times, but I took a life at my, at my choices and I got this deep, dark sinking feeling that I've been wasting away the years of my health to... well, nothing.  As if I've been chasing my tail and getting absolutely nowhere.  I've had quite a few chances over the last few months to move, but I knew it would be a bad idea with maybe the worst roommates ever.  Now that I'm not on a lease living by myself and I'm taking a break from school, what a better time than now to make a run for it?

I'm happy, but I know I'm not giving it my all.  Whether it's plain laziness or fear of failure, goddammit, I will give this attempt 110% effort.

I was sinking right back into the place I tried to run from in my early 20's.  I didn't tell people I was sick.  I didn't tell friends I was in the hospital.  I didn't care -- this fight was my own to fight.  I have no right to be angry at others for it

After talks, and when I say "talks" - I mean crying blubs of mess - with my parents... they came to my help.  And after more talks with friends, I knew it would be a done deal by the 3rd night in the hospital at 2 a.m. looking at schools to transfer to, essays to write and check-lists to be done.

I never believed in running away from your problems.  I've always felt they'd come right back to haunt you if you conquer them in the first place.  However,  feel like me and Philly have ended our love affair a long time ago.  Like I've told the folks the other night; "I want to live somewhere no one knows I'm sick.  I want to be given a second chance in life like any normal girl should."



I think I at least deserve that.  I want the ability to live a life I haven't yet while I'm still young.

And I Will Hold Onto Hope

Love

it will not betray you,
Dismay or enslave you, 
it will set you free.
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.

Never would I believe I'd be so close with an ex, I'd consider him a best friend, especially imagine him as my potential roommate.  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you guys that this is the most fantastic person I've ever known in my lifetime.


J.C. has been there for me during wheelchair, no wheelchair, hospitals, sickness and health.  I will forever be grateful for that (and it makes me tear up just typing this out).

Our relationship was pretty amazing.  I met him when I was 19, him being 23.  He chased after me for a few months, and over that time, we became very close friends.  Our friendship blossomed into something beautiful.  We became that couple who were inseparable -- not because either one of us had to see the other every single day of every single hour... it was because we were best friends.  We had more fun when the other was around.  One year for Halloween, we dressed up as a nerdy couple (glasses, pocket protectors and all), snorting when we laugh, dorky Eskimo kisses with our pants raised high up and being in total character for the whole night.  That was us; a team.  Soon enough, we were living together.  J.C. and I very rarely fought.  Almost three years into it, the only things we'd fight about were money, because we were two young kids with our first apartment.  

After we had split, we did our back-and-forth post-breakup... however, J.C. didn't consider me a booty-call, there was no pretending -- J.C. wholeheartedly cared about me, with no doubt about that.  Sometimes J.C. would call me late at night and I would quickly drive over to see him.  We would just sweetly kiss, spoon with each other in bed, lay quiet as mice and cure whatever pain we had from missing one another.  Nothin' dirty.  In those moments, all our problems, our fears, and worries slipped away.   There wasn't any who was right, who was wrong.  There wasn't any who gave more effort, there wasn't any who won or lost.  It was something I'd wish I had with Chunks.  He was my first love, and greatest love.  J.C. made my heart pure and caged the wild animal in me.  And the trick of not fighting?  The trick of tasting some of the most pure love of all?  Knowing what we had between us was too strong and able to conquer any kind of mess; big or small.  We became a team -- us vs. the world, us vs. the outside forces -- and we became impenetrable. 

My mother secretly hopes me and J.C. would run away to get married.  Our family members urge us to get back together.  However, my dad hated him -- I was going into college and J.C. was stuck in a dead-end job with no goals... no matter how wonderful he treated his daughter.  As for me and J.C., we frequently flirt with the idea.  To any outsider, we may look like a couple.  He's still incredibly protective of me, even though we give each other dating advice. 


But we're too afraid to lose what we have now if something went wrong.  J.C. is hands-down the best boyfriend any gal could ask for.  He's going to make some girl very happy one day.  And in the meantime, I need to fix myself to be the girl I once was.  I will hold onto hope, and I'll find strength in pain, then I will change my ways.

A Very Upstate Road Trip

SO! I'm back from my road trip. Made stops all over, saw friends, hung out with people I loved, and had a weekend of "firsts".



The other night, I was taken to a typical hipster bar, where I played $20 worth of music on a jukebox.  Boys were treating me like a shiny new toy (and I was like a kid in a candy store).   I was bought many, many, many, many drinks.  So many drinks were bought, in fact, that I lost count somewhere during those hours and didn't realize how hammered I was until I laid my head down on a pillow.  I wake up, I have a crap load of phone numbers in my phone with no names, or names completely misspelled because my hammered spelling isn't so great and a boat-load of new friend requests on Facebook.   I wake up with the worst hang over in the entire universe.

I wake up to dumb drunk texts to a large number of boys I've dated.  Booze is a terrible truth serum.   As a hard-ass, I don't trust talking about my feelings and I'm terrified of showing vulnerability.  So when I wake up to read text messages pouring out my most intimate feelings...?... yeah.

Boozy dancing on Friday

 I'm a drinker.  Not being big on beer, I stuck to hard alcohol the entire night.   From what I can remember, I had one cocktail, 7 vodka tonics and I can only remember 6 shots.  I was a boozy-nightmare mess, and I spend the entire next day ralphing (booze has never made me barf).
However, the other day, I did get the chance to get up close and personal with my first horse.   It took me about a half hour - forty minutes to warm up to this monster beast.  With little itty bitty baby steps, I approached this monster closer and closer until I was right next to it.  Listen, I would have rather of been riding a glass elevator to the 100th floor at that point.   A friend took my hand and gave me a horse brush -- the only thing I could think was, oh hell naw.  Getting into brushing the horse, I thought, hey this ain't so bad... until the damn horse made that horse-y noise and put it's monster long face into mine -- I am surprised my pants were dry.


And I've never been camping.  I'm a city girl -- I clutch my purse tight, I carry weapons, silence is a strange occurrence, I wear high heels because I can hail a cab at any time and the bugs I'm used to are roaches and centipedes.  Being in the deep woods does not sound like a good time to me.  I mean, the only time I'd think being in the deep woods would be fun if I were staying in a cabin (with electrical outlets and a toilet) with a significant other during a romantic getaway.  So, when I'm in the deep woods wearing TOMS shoes, with mud up to my ankles, spiders crawling on me, hearing snakes slither in the grass and being bit by a million bugs... it's not a good time.  I'm not a fan at all.  At one point, I saw people coming from the woods with flashlights and my automatic reaction was to RUN, BITCH, RUN because I thought it was the police breaking up the party.

The next night, I would check myself into a hotel room, and trade mud in for a jacuzzi.



Anyway, a lot happened the last few days and I'll update here and there about it.   The whole experience road-tripping is pretty hilarious.




This was from my boozy weekend, but I'm only posting now:


I always said I believed in you.  And with every kiss I resented you because your feelings never seemed to get in the way.  I dig down deep for forgiveness, but still you're always busy placing the blame.  This isn't about right or wrong now, not about wasted time.    No, my love, we can't be friends.    In fact I liked you much better when you'd just pretend.    You'd tell me the things you've never told a soul, the things that keep you up at night.   I always said I believed in you.  And I know that you never cared at all.   I just liked you better when you'd pretend.

Satisfaction

Saw this movie, Take This Waltz, about a young couple (Seth Rogan & Michelle Williams), in love.. but not madly in love.  He's everything you'd want in the perfect HUSBAND; caring, loving, endearing and understanding.  In one of the sweetest scenes of the movie, her husband (Lou) tells his wife (Margot) he would be around when she's old, gray and on her death bed.  And Margot, the wife played by Williams, is being lured by the greener grass.

Margot & her new beefcake

She mentions earlier in the movie how she's terrified of connections at airports -- missing the connection, where to go, what to do, how to do it, how to get there... In reality, what Margot is really terrified about is missing something, and afraid of being afraid.

 Here we meet some beefcake who sweeps her off her feet, when he just really represents exactly what she's afraid of.  She fully well knows how phenomenal her husband is, right?  But she feels as if something's missing. 


During a conversation with an older lady giving our girl (suffering from grass is greener syndrome) advice, the older lady says:

                 What's new will always turn old, 
                       and what's old was always once new.


So, Margot leaves her awesome husband for a beefcake.  Time goes by, and her new beefcake becomes an old beefcake... only to feel the same feeling she did with her awesome husband.  She then realizes, she's spent most of her life trying to fill something, fill an empty space.

Margot & Lou

Truth is, there will always be an empty space in life, something that feels missing, something a little off.  And I feel like we live in a way where we interpret the feeling of something missing to be that something is actually wrong, and needs to be fixed, or can be fixed.  And maybe sometimes that never ending feeling of never feeling quite satisfied is wrong, but what many fail to realize that the something missing is usually inside themselves, and not their outer forces (like a husband, girlfriend, job, family... you get it).

I feel as if I've been in Margot's shoes a long, long time.  Always feeling the need that the gap has to be filled, or even can be filled, has left me restless.  Or maybe my health problems has left me constantly trying to compensate for it, trying to be normal or appear to be normal.  For instance, if work, school, and friends were going well... I felt as if I needed love in my life to bring everything into fruition.  Or... in order to appear as a normal woman, I needed a man to have myself say, "look!  I'm sick and I can have normality just like you!"


Life always has a gap in it... don't go crazy trying to fill it.

A New Beginning

I received quite a few messages from my past post about the 7 Stages.  I wish there was something more I could do, I really do.

Some people could very well move past though stages with grace, and some might become stuck.  I know it took me a very, very long time to get through those stages and I'm still very much in the process of acceptance.  So yes, I get a lot of you... I try to.
 

The old me after a night of boozin' @ 24 yrs old

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had many many friends (but not really the friends you wanted to have), she lived life in the fast lane and never looked back.  The only thing I cared about what was happening in the present, which wasn't much at all, but at the time I thought life was pretty damn rad.  But it took me a long time to figure out that I'm not that person anymore (probably up until very recently too).

There came a point where I realized I had to start all over again -- new job, new school, new friends, new boyfriend, new everything.  I also realized that dealing with situations, loving someone, friendships, all of that I once thought I had a handle on would never be the same.  After my diagnosis, I had to re-learn everything all over again, like a newborn.  Old me would have dealt with situations by pretending they weren't there, drinking the problem away or doing stupid any immature kid at that age would.  So not only was I now older, I had extreme health issues.

Being in school again at my age is no picnic.  It's hard to make friends... am I expected to do keg stands with 22 year old kids?   And doing makeup, something I loved to do, was more difficult with symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.  I had to learn new techniques, I had to go to classes again and re-build my reputation because who wants an artist with an uneasy hand?

Most recent picture of me and my BFF Fio

And friends... well, true ones, of course.  I still know the people from the past, actually tried to resurrect them again somehow trying to build a mirage of my old former self.  In all honesty, I hang out with the same few people, people I truly love and consider real friends.  Sometimes I'll spend time with friends I haven't been so close with; a drinking buddy is more of a proper term I guess. Trying to make new friends in your mid-20's with a disease isn't so easy.  All the people I've known for most of my life had moved, "grown up" or couldn't handle me being in a wheelchair.  Like I was saying to someone earlier tonight... tons of people I know will write on my Facebook wall about how much they miss me.  It kind of irritates me, you know?  I'm not dead.  I didn't move 1,000 miles away.  Call a bitch up, yo.  Seriously.  You can't miss me that much if you can't use a phone.

And dating is just a disaster.  The first time I had my chance at it, my first gut-reaction was to pretend I was the girl I used to be in order to.... I don't know.... impress.  To make it look like I was like any other normal girl.  I said dumb shit.  I did crazy things.  Think of it this way -- you begin dating as a whole new you: new set of emotions, new set of goals, with a new personality.  I had a handle on my past relationships because I was comfortable with myself, I've had serious boyfriends before and at the time, they were successful... but now I'm different.  And even if the person you are with considers it 'games' (I hate that word), I understand you ladies.  To the way you handle a fight, to the way you show feelings, to the way you open yourself up to someone is all brand new territory.  We are all capable of crazy shit.  It's almost like you are entering in your very first relationship.

On the other hand, I'd still try to use those immature techniques I did when I thought I knew-it-all.  I remember once, I purposely started a fight just to see a reaction.  That's kiddie shit, that's shit I did when I was 23 years old.  Now, I knew very well I was doing it, although I didn't like doing it, I didn't want to do it, but up until that point... I had absolutely no lessons on healthy communication.  I'll always feel bad for Chunks in a way, because he met me at a time when I was re-building myself and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, behaving in a way I would never behave, a way even my own friends found foreign to see.  I put that guy through hell at times, and for what?  To try high and hell water to have him not see me as a 'sick girl'?  Luckily, I can learn and take away from that.

On the upside, I feel more confidant than ever.  I can honestly say I know what I want.  If in my heart I feel like what I'm doing is the wrong way to handle something, then now I know which way is right.  Do you understand?  I once had a fear the people I've grown close with wouldn't like the 'new' me.  They met the old one, ya know?  But these past few weeks have been incredibly amazing because it's the first time in years I have been able to be myself -- whether someone likes that or not.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

The 7 Stages Of Grief

Any Psych 101 student can explain to you the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief.  Kübler-Ross added that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Her theory also holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in any particular order. The theory is that the reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them. Some people may get stuck in one stage.

__________________________..............__________________________

 

STAGE 1. SHOCK & DENIAL  (2006)
You will probably react to learning of illness with numbed disbelief.  You may deny the reality of the diagnosis at some level, in order to avoid the pain.  Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks, or in my case, years.  

A lot of friends and family would ask me, "why didn't you tell us sooner?", but in all honesty, it takes some time to accept the news on your own before having the time to tell others.  I always believed telling people your diagnosis was making it a reality.

STAGE 2. PAIN & GUILT  (2007)
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.  Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it.  

I turned to alcohol.  Some turn to drugs, others turn to casual sex.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or what you did to deserve it.  Life feels chaotic and unstable during this phase.  

I struggled daily with the thought of karma -- what did I do to deserve this?

STAGE 3. ANGER &BARGAINING  (2008)
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for diagnosis on someone else.  Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result.  Even though MS claims it's not hereditary, I felt as if my father done the damage (MS took the life of his sister's son; my cousin).  This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

STAGE 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS (2009 - 2010)
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you.  This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.  "Things could always be worse," people say.  During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your diagnosis.  

I isolated myself on purpose -- after my diagnosis, I swore of relationships for 5 years.  The most time I'd spend with someone was up to 3 weeks, and out the door I went.  I didn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship.  I felt damaged, unwanted and not needed.  I always focused on memories of the past.  I have never felt that truly lonely in my life during those years.

STAGE 5. THE UPWARD TURN (End of 2010 - 2011)
As you start to adjust to life with a diagnosis, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

I was sick -- I cannot change that, it is who I am.  Accept me as I am or not.

Make your diagnosis a positive attribute in your life, like I did when I started this blog two years ago.

STAGE 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH (2011 - NOW)
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life with a diagnosis.  You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life with health complications.

I started dating again, not looking for a serious relationship because I knew I wasn't ready, but I started dating to find company, just not casual sex/dating.  I would meet the first person I'd care about during this period, and even though it was shaky, I learned how to care again.  I would learn what it took to make a relationship healthy, since it had been almost 6 years.  I started opening up to people I cared about, sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.  And I started to love myself again. 

I also learned you could move a thousand miles away, find new friends or try to live a new life -- but you will never be happy, no matter where you are or who you are with, if you aren't happy with yourself.

STAGE 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE  (2012 - NOW)
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation.  Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.  Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you may or may not return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy.  But you will find a way forward -- you will find a NEW you.

I feel ready to share my life with others, I feel ready to let love in and begin a healthy relationship.  I feel ready to show my life to someone I care about without the fear of them learning how damaged I had become because of my diagnosis.  Finally feeling carefree and able to relax again, I haven't felt this calm in years.  I'm finally happy again, with the new person I had become.

Denial Than Acceptance

I'm starting to think the past few months, my denial about what my life is really like spiraled me into situations I normally wouldn't have put myself in, or actions I normally wouldn't have done.  I'm a little embarrassed of myself but hey... live and learn.
Talking to that guy I like earlier... I told him I stayed in tonight because I was in pain.  My legs hurt.  I also said I have to get up early for a doctors appointment.  We had a long talk about everything I've been talking about here.  My attempts at normality, my attempts at trying to look my life was perfect in every way so no one would remember that I was sick in the first place.  Dammit, it felt good.  It felt good to finally tell the truth.  I can't wait to see how this plays out.

I'll be filming my doctor's appointment, by the way.

I haven't felt this much peace in years -- a peace with myself.  I've been so unsatisfied, so unhappy, playing games, doing too much acting... and now?  I feel like I'm free.  I'm finally free.  Good God, I haven't felt this good in so, so long.

Under Pressure

I always thought I had a handle on my diagnosis, or that I somehow came to terms with it a long time ago.  I knew what it was, I knew what I could and couldn't do about it, and I knew I had to learn how to juggle a normal life vs. not so normal.

But I'm starting to think that wasn't the case.  I kept thinking of the last post I wrote... I think I was living life pretending to be a normal girl just in general.  With everyone.  And with everything.  I think I kept on living the life I had 6 years ago, just hoping for the best.  Instead, I lost myself somewhere.  I started to over-analyze everything, becoming critical of everything I did because I think I knew deep down I wasn't being true to myself.  I wasn't being honest with myself.  And as soon as I thought I was actually being true to myself, guard doors came up and I refused to let anyone in.  Talk about scared and self-conscious, huh?


For awhile now, I've been under a lot pressure to do really well in school.  I think the more my family sees I do well, the more my health is nothing but an after-thought -- something that really isn't there.  And the more I played party girl or the social butterfly with acquaintances, the more they saw me as just as normal as they were.  Then I would play the same exact persona with some guy I was into, just by habit.  It made me do stupid and crazy shit -- I was acting like something I have never been before.

And there it was -- pressure.  The never-ending feeling that I couldn't relax and just enjoy the moment because I was constantly playing a role of what I perceived to be normal, or something everyone wanted.


It's been an interesting week, but I'm excited to see how everything plays out.  Even though being myself seemed so hard in the past, it's been a breath of fresh air.  I haven't felt this relaxed in ages.  And I'm not saying it's going to take a day, or a week... but finding yourself doesn't have to be a bad thing.

What It Feels Like To Be Diagnosed With MS

My dad brought me into the E.R. during the afternoon of February 14th, 2006.  The E.R. was packed.  I remember one man's skin was literally melting off after an explosion with his grill.  There was a teenager with his hand wrapped, bandages soaked in blood.  As soon as I walked up to go register myself, I fell right to the floor.  I could feel my legs, but the floor felt like sand and my legs weren't listening to the commands in my head.

"GET A WHEELCHAIR!  HURRY!  GET HER A ROOM!" the nurses said, yelling for help.

 ____________________________________________

 
I was resting in my hospital bed after a long day of being poked and prodded.  I remember the lights were off, but the glow of the television set lit the room.  I wasn't watching t.v., I was waiting for a doctor to come tell me why I couldn't move my legs.  I was wondering why my friends weren't calling.  I wondered what my boyfriend was going to do that night for Valentine's Day.

My neurologist came in and explained to me all of my test results.  Blood tests were negative, negative for STD's, negative for drugs, negative for Lyme Disease, negative for Transverse Myelitis.

"The only option left is Multiple Sclerosis.  You'll have MRI's tomorrow to see if there are any lesions," he explained, holding my hand as I cried in my hospital bed.  I knew what Multiple Sclerosis was, my cousin had it and his MS was so severe.  I had heard stories of how my aunt took him to Mexico for bee stings and snake venom.  Years ago, there barely were any options to help MS, but rumor had it that bee stings and venom could be a possible cure.  My aunt had tried her hardest.  My cousin's MS impacted the family so traumatically, I knew when I would tell my father that I'd have MS, he wouldn't take it so well.

I think I became more worried about telling people about MS than the actual diagnosis itself.

The hospital doctors talked about I-V steroids and rehab -- maybe I'll get better and walk again.  I was in high spirits, but not for long.  In rehab, everyone is on a set schedule.  There was a 7 a.m. wake-up call, 8 a.m. breakfast, 9 a.m. rehab, 11 a.m - 1 p.m. was lunch and resting, 2 p.m was rehab and you were done for the day at 4 p.m., followed by a 5 p.m. dinner.

I got into my wheelchair at 7:30 a.m. to get ready for breakfast.  At that time, I barely knew how to use a wheelchair.  I couldn't push with my legs, so I relied heavily on others to push me around.  And there I was -- in the middle of the rehab hallway by myself, unable to push my wheelchair and no one around to help me.  It was then when I realized how alone I felt, how my diagnosis alienated me from the world I knew.  It was then I realized my diagnosis would change my life forever and the life as I knew it would never be the same.

 ____________________________________________

My friend doing the WalkMS with me last year

When someone is diagnosed with MS, their world is turned upside-down.  First, you have to learn to accept it.  It might take years to accept a diagnosis, but initially, you hear it happening but you never believe it will ever happen to you.  Second, you worry about what your friends and family will think.  You will start to feel like a burden to other people.  You feel like you'll become the "downer" to your friends.  Then when friends call less and less, your fears become realized.  I had spent hours on a computer researching what MS really was and I sunk myself into a world of "what if's".  Will I ever have children?  Will I become a vegetable one day?  Am I going to work again?  Who will want to love someone like me?  Will I ever be happy again like I was?  A diagnosis sounded like the end of the world.  

But a diagnosis doesn't have to be that way.  I tell everyone I talk to from this website the same thing -- I wish I could tell you everything will be coming up daisies, but it won't.  However, MS will change your life in ways you have never imagined.  Even though friends came and go, a new crop of friends will show... friends who will support you no matter what; true friends.  Family bonds will be tightened.  And here's the best part -- your confidence will be stellar.  You are fighting MS -- you can fight anything.  You are the ultimate fighting ninja warrior and you can do it all.  Positivity and determination will take you every where in the world, always remember that.

Reader's Submission: The Townhouse

This is a reader's submission from:

Kelley Kirkpatrick from Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I was in a serious relationship with my (ex)boyfriend Dan.  We've lived together too.  We rarely fight and when we do, fights usually end as soon as they start.  Me and my boyfriend talked about marriage a lot.  We had our future dog picked out, our wedding plans picked out and even his mother would call me her daughter-in-law.  Never in my life have I felt anything that stable, because I came from a very broken household.  My parents weren't exactly prime examples of what a happy marriage should look like.

About 5 years ago, my left eye was blurry.  I went to work thinking it would just go away.  Then around lunch time, my left side felt like pins and needles.  I thought maybe because I sit down all day and maybe my leg/arm just fell asleep.  When I got home later that night, I could barely see anything out of my left eye and that pins and needles sensation was still there.  I asked Dan to take me to the hospital.

That night at the hospital, they did tests until the early morning.  The next day, everything became worse and I couldn't move my legs.  My legs felt like dead weight.  I spent a week like that with every doctor doing every kind of test they could do but all tests led back to one diagnosis; Multiple Sclerosis.  They put me on a high dosage of Prednisone which helped my vision but my legs still weren't moving. 

Dan was great through all of it.  He held my hand, he comforted me, he was my rock when I spent a month in the hospital.  But then it happened.  Five weeks in the hospital, doctors told me I would have to be fitted for my very own wheelchair.  Weirdly enough, Dan took it harder than I did but I didn't think anything of it at the time.  Finding out I'd have to use a wheelchair devastated me more than the diagnosis.  But this is not what my story is about.

A month after I came home from the hospital, me and Dan were in the middle of fixing our townhouse so it was handicapped accessible.  He got annoyed when my wheelchair made scuff marks on the walls.  He got mad when my wheels made scuffs on our tile floors.  He was upset that I didn't leave home very much.  He spent most of his time upstairs, because I couldn't use the stairs anymore.  And he sounded embarrassed when he would tell his friends his girlfriend was in a wheelchair.  Dan no longer invited people over.  This was really hard for me especially when I was trying to accept my diagnosis.

One day, Dan's friends came over and Dan wasn't with them.  They came over to move out his stuff out of our townhouse.  Dan was too chicken to do it himself.  I would never see Dan again.  To make matters worse, I was alone in a wheelchair, living in a townhouse with a flight of stairs I couldn't use.

I can happily say I'll be married this Fall to my fiance Jason.  I met him at rehab one day.  He had an accident and needed rehabbing at the hospital I was doing my rehab at.  Every Monday and Wednesday, we would go to lunch after our rehab session.  It was love.  Even though Jason is healthy and has rehabbed himself 100%, with the occasional hand tremors, I'm still in my wheelchair.  I still live in my townhouse too, but Jason saved up his money and had contractors build an electric lift for our staircase.  His friends love me, his family loves me and my wheelchair is as accepted as just another part of me, of who I am.

Like Natalie once said, if someone can't accept you at your worse, they sure as hell don't deserve you at your best.  Thank you for reading.

Kelley.... diagnosed when I was 25 years old, April 2007

Walk Or Grow Wings

Sunny readers,

You all know I've been going through a tough time right now and I really, really appreciate all the support you've given me.  This weekend has been a very dark time, and I went to a place mentally that I haven't gone since the night I was first diagnosed with MS.  I started to question myself and lose faith in the hope I have to live an amazing life, even though I'm sick.  Then last night, I went to go check my PayPal.  Listen, I hate asking for money and I don't even like borrowing it.  I was terrified that donation button would be tacky and I didn't want any of my readers to think I was taking advantage of the support they've given me, even though the donations are extremely appreciated.  Times are tough -- I don't even know if I'll have money to buy groceries next week after paying off bills from my hospital stay.  It's like, pay my rent or buy my injections and fill my prescriptions? 

Anyway, I went to check PayPal and there were donations in there.  I literally broke down crying (and I still cry just talking about this).  Sometimes you forget there are really good people out there.   Very truly, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you so very much.

Readers -- you saved my life this weekend, in more ways than one.

March 2006. Paralyzed waist down from MS

This was the little blog that could.  Back in 2010, I started this as an outlet to talk about my experiences with disease.  Now in 2012, I get visitors to this blog every minute of the day and messages from all over the world thanking me for doing whatever I'm doing.  All of you give me life.  All of you.  You all give me a reason to wake up in the morning, you all give me a reason to keep fighting and all of you beautiful creatures give me hope. 

When I was diagnosed in 2006, I had died and was re-born after my diagnosis.  

My diagnosis has given me more life than I had ever lived before 2006.

And from the bottom of my heart -- thank you for saving my life.  Thank you for giving it meaning.

That said... Here is Sunny's first reader's submission.  This beautifully made tribute video is by Karen Keefe Krueger from Elk Grove, California.  Diagnosed at the age of 27, Karen is another face of Multiple Sclerosis.  With two children, she looks that diagnosis in the face and shows no fear.  She's an inspiration to all of us here.  Karen's been campaigning hard for her WalkMS team and I wish her the best of luck!

Dear Natalie

Dear Natalie,

the other day I went to check your blog to see if you did an update and I saw the last (and sadly, the only) post. I was very sad when I saw your video and I seriously cannot believe there are that many immature people out there. As I commented on one of your posts, I really do admire you, and you really inspire me! I don't have MS, or cancer, I'm just a regular 19 year old girl (only struggling with my weight)...
One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer last september, and I personally became even closer to her because of this... I cannot even imagine why people need to be so mean to others.
I totally did not plan what to write in this email, I just wanted to say that I still will support you even though you are not going to blog anymore.
Also, I think that you've been very brave in the first place to write your life, your feelings, everything in a blog. I like to think I got to know you in person, and even if it sounds creepy maybe I feel you were like a new internet friend to me kind of :)
Stay strong girl! Don't let stupid people put you down! :) They don't know who you are, how your life is, and most importantly they don't live in your own body so they will NEVER know how you feel if they don't experience it.
Hope I helped you a little. <3 I really felt soooooo sad when I saw your last video! I wanted to hug you but it's not even possible since you live in the US and I live in Italy...!
I send you a huge hug from overseas.
Much love!
xoxo
Susi

PS:Hope you answer this email :)

I'll do one better and reply to you via blog.  I get a few e-mails a day but this one really touched me.  You've really understood my reasoning for running this blog -- I wanted people like you to feel like they have a friend.  Whether you have Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, or just a cold, we all share something in common... we all need someone to relate to.  We all need to feel like we are not alone.  This world is cold and cruel -- but it doesn't have to be.

No matter how busy I've been in my life, I have always tried to update, no matter the time or location.  This blog started off with about 50 readers and now I have up to 1,400 followers.  Even though I've been going back and forth about the future of this blog, I'll continue updating.  I figured if I closed it down, it would be "oh well, time to find another blogger", but I've received an overwhelming amount of e-mails about how upsetting it is that I've decided to shut it down.  Even to the point of deleting (which I was able to restore, just in time).  I'm proud of what I have written; happy times and bad.


I want to say how of an incredible friend you are to stick by your friend like that.  She's going to need you and she's lucky to have a person like you in her life.  Words like yours get me through the tough days.  In my real life, it's extremely difficult for me to talk about my feelings.  My blog has been an outlet for that.  My friends read it.  My family reads it.  The people I date read it.  This blog is me; completely raw and unedited.  And this blog is completely dedicated to people like you.  I wish you the best of luck and love in your life.

Thank you all for reading and I hope to continue to bring my friendship into your lives as well.

Natalie xx

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

She'll be the same, just improved & with a bigger heart

I was talking to someone earlier about telling people about a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You see, MS is tricky – there is no cure, the treatment is not very reliable and not many people know what it is. But more importantly, when you are diagnosed, you need time to accept that diagnosis before you can tell other people.

And this is a great topic, because my anniversary is on Tuesday.

When I was first diagnosed, I lost my shit. I really had no idea what MS was and there were many times I sat in the rehab “rec room” to use their public computer and Google what I should expect. It took me awhile to accept that diagnosis, it took awhile to get over that initial shock and I was terrified about peoples’ reactions. You can really tell the bond between friendships when you are sick. I’m warning you now: some of the people you think may be there to support you, may not be there. When I was in the hospital back in November, the guy I lost my virginity to (and that old group of friends) was there and supported me every single day. Crazy, right? At the same time, you might become closer with those you didn’t think you would, like the example I just gave. When I really needed someone in the hospital, when I needed someone to hold my hand and just be there – it was one of my ex-boyfriends. We’ll always love each other. When I called him and told him what had happened, he drove right over. He pulled up a chair, made me laugh and watched television with me for hours.

When you are going to tell your friends about your diagnosis, start with those who have been through the worst with you. You will need someone to be there if you fall. Give the news some time; let everyone sink the information in. It can be a really beautiful thing when people begin to support you in ways they hadn’t before. And when you tell… let’s say a significant other or someone you are dating, I don’t know. I’m not an expert, clearly, on that. I’ve always found dropping, “hey, I have MS” a lot easier than saying “hey, I have cancer”. Think of it this way: if your partner leaves you because of your diagnosis, you did not need that person in your life. I don’t know about any of you, but I like my partners to feel like best friends. I want to feel able enough to go to them with anything and not feel like I’m being judged. If you have to question this, seriously re-evaluate. There might come a time when you are healthy for years and end up in a wheelchair down the road.

However, significant others are tricky too. You are going to hear questions like, “can you have children?” “is it contagious?”, or them re-word something nice with a bow but really mean “will I have to take care of you one day?” And sometimes you might get lucky. I recently dated a really great guy, who when I told him I had MS, he researched all about it later that night. When the next time I saw him, he knew so much about my condition, he felt really comfortable to talk to me about it. He read my blog; all of it. Some people are really compassionate and some people aren’t.

Bottom line is, it’s extremely difficult to tell the people you know you’re sick. It’s almost like making the disease real and come to life by everyone knowing. And sometimes, people may leave your life because of it. It’s an awful feeling. It’s one thing for someone to leave your life because you are a total asshole or doing something you can change about yourself, but it is another for someone to leave you because of something you can’t control.

There are always going to be issues down the line about telling someone your diagnosis. After my ex-boyfriend left me, it took a long time to trust someone again, but I eventually did. But it has made me a seriously greater person because of it. You are the ultimate kick ass fighter. I have a few friends that can’t piece themselves together after a break-up, drink and cry themselves into oblivion, and I have to wonder what they’d do if they had cancer. But you – you beautiful creature – you are a fighter. Everything you’ll do from now on will be more awesome. You’ll appreciate life more. You’ll appreciate the people in your life more. And you’ll know you’ll be able to conquer anything.

** I have been getting so many messages about me stopping my blog. Then I got one message, from a girl in New York, who told me she just had been diagnosed with cancer last month. She had been reading my blog to feel “as if she had a friend”. It broke my heart. Someone in my life once made a comment about my blog, about how he could never have time to manage one, let alone read it. It made me feel like shit, especially since my blog is about being sick. But I realize, I help people. I try to, at least. I have made really great friends because of my blog and connected them to other people in their situations. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. I work three jobs. I go to school part-time. Nothing in my life is more rewarding than speaking to all of you and knowing I might have helped at least one person because of my story.  And even though a lot of you have become totally immersed with my situation like it's Big and Carrie from Sex And the City (a few of you compared it to that - hilarious - I wish I had Carrie's shoe collection and Big is actually charming dreamboat) but I won't be talking about him.  Actually, I won't be talking about anyone I am romantically linked to, go on a date with or am interested in.  I mean, if I get married on Valentine's Day, I don't want my future husband to be like, "who the hell is Chunky Monkey?!"  Lately, I've lost "my fire" as a friend said.  Bottom line is, I don't want a relationship right now (I have work on myself first before I put "serious" energy into another person) but I want to enjoy company, I want to be romanced, I want to have fun on dates, I want to be cuddled with, I want to enjoy my new collection of lingerie, and I want to be smooched without all the hub-blub of something intense.  I want to be involved and have a little sweetness in my life without having to be COMPLETELY emotionally invested in something I know I can't put my 100% in at the moment.

The past year, I've been becoming closer with a lot of the people in my life and it's been a test for me.  I've always had a wall-up when it came to anyone close to me.  I've been so self-conscious about being so vulnerable, I forgot to enjoy life like I used to.  And because I've been so self-conscious, I've expected way too much from others to compensate for what I felt I lacked.  Like I told someone last night, I'm a Ferrari but I am acting like a Pinto.  I realize the old me wasn't the greatest person in the world, but that doesn't mean I have to completely change myself, which I thought I did.  I'm working on bringing the old Natalie back, even more awesome because this time around, I actually love myself, I love the people in my life and I love life.  Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived, not for everything to be so serious all of the time.  Thanks.

Two Thousand Twelve

NYE 2011

So, if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home.

Soon enough, we’ll all drink champagne and celebrate the New Year. However, it’s important to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. It’s a time to remember both our successes and mistakes, our promises made and broken, the people we’ve loved and lost. Stop and remember the times we opened ourselves up to great adventures and possibilities, or the times we’ve closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt because in all actuality, that is what new years is all about --- a second chance. We all have a second chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more and learn from our mistakes. Stop worrying about what if and start embracing what could be.

So when that ball drops at midnight, say goodbye to another year that’s passed and be open to what could be for a new year. We all have times we wish we could rewind time and do it over again, say something different or avoid it altogether. That is what the New Year is for; we have the ability to show what we’ve learned and change.


That said, if these past 2 weeks are any indication what 2012 will be like, I'm going to have an amazing year.


And last night? Holding hands and ice skating?
Then cuddle and kiss my brains out?
One of my favorite dates ever.

Nature Vs. Nuture

The nature versus nurture debate concerns the relative importance of an individual's innate qualities ("nature," i.e. nativism, or innatism) versus personal experiences ("nurture," i.e. empiricism or behaviorism) in determining or causing individual differences in physical and behavioral traits.

I’ve never realized how much the way one is raised effects the outcome of you. Growing up, I would pick certain characteristics of my family and swear, “I’d never be like that!” or “I’d never do that!” Now that I’m coming into my own, I am noticing so many similarities of things I do, towards things I swore to never do in the first place.

For instance, my family is a secretive bunch. No matter how close we are, we all keep secrets from each other. Whether it be my parents between one another, the kids between themselves or one against all; someone always had a secret. A few years ago, I tried doing that whole “family tree” thing on the Internet, to see what kind of background I came from… because like I said, my father never really talks about the background of his family. All I know is that he was born and raised in West Virginia. My dad was so nervous about it, as if I were going to find out things I shouldn’t know. Digging up my family tree upset him so much, I had to stop. This is not limited to small (or maybe big, I never will know) things, but secrets much bigger and probably is important to tell. I’m not about to air my family’s dirty laundry via blogger. My point being is, I always thought it was okay to hide things. I was taught that it is better to hide things from someone in order to protect them in some way. Not necessarily lie --- like, if I saw momma kissing Santa Claus under the tree, I better not tell dad because I don’t want to hurt him kind of hiding. Better yet, sometimes was best I kept my health issues under wraps, I guess to keep some kind of perfect-healthy-family stigma. I was also taught it's not very good to put your problems (aka health) on other people... it depresses them, makes them sad.

I love my family, no doubt. They raised me very well, and I’m sure any family has their faults. No one is perfect. This is also why having children of my own scare me; will I raise them right? My family has taught me to be loyal, to protect and to appreciate life. However, keeping secrets, or even hiding things, is not healthy.

Even though I write a very public blog, there are things I keep to myself. There are a million and one reasons as of why. I just literally typed a few reasons why and when I read them back, they all sounded stupid.

Readers; there is nothing embarrassing, scary or shameful about being sick. Whether you have MS, leukemia, cancer… you are still here and fighting it. It doesn’t matter what family, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends think; what you think of yourself and how you handle it is what matters. You may think you are protecting yourself, or someone else from the news, but it just does more damage in the long run. If you aren’t being open and honest, you aren’t being very honest with yourself.

Lloyd Dobler

Diane Court: I just can't have any social life right now.
Lloyd Dobler: Don't worry about it. We're just having coffee. We'll be anti-social.
Diane Court: Be friends?
Lloyd Dobler: Yeah. With potential.

Dear Single Female Readers:

Find a man. Not a boy, not a guy, and definitely not a dude. A man. A man who puts effort into you. A man who wants to show you off to the world and let everyone know how lucky he is to have you. A man who you never have to make excuses for. A man who will still think you are beautiful, sick, healthy, or during that time in the morning you are making your coffee and your hair is stuck to the side of your head. A man who puts his arm around you; who holds your hand. A man who is completely understanding and one who can be your best friend. A man who owns up to his mistakes, because admitting your mistakes is the sexiest thing in the universe. A man who will knock on your door at 2 am, just because he wanted to see you. A man who will do anything to have you.

Just because we are sick, or that we feel like damaged goods, or maybe because we don’t feel good enough, does not mean we should settle. All of these guys, these boys, are just a practice run. We learn from our mistakes, we challenge ourselves, and we learn so we’re the best package of a woman we can be for when the right one comes. Work on yourselves, better yourselves as a human being to have a healthy relationship. Yes, timing is everything, but so is your state of mind. If you think you’re damaged goods -- you are damaged goods. You will be that sick girl, undeserving of something healthy and awesome.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Don't search for a man that will solve all your problems, he won't. Find one that won't let you face them alone. If he misses you, he'll call. If he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his. And please, don't base your relationship decisions off of the advice of people who don't have to live with the results (I have broken this way too many times!)



Love,
Natalie

ps: My birthday is 3 weeks away! Trying to plan a night with someone down Atlantic City.



And to those who are asking:
Twitter Click for link
Facebook Click for link
(my Twitter is public, my Facebook is not!)

A Sweet Release

What an intense month.

I've lost someone very close to me.


Life is too precious to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe things happen for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. Your karma, the universe, the cosmos; something is trying to change your life and give you a sign. If it changes your life, let it. I've learned the meaning of effort. I've learned the meaning of love and respect. I have learned that there is never ever anything to lose, but to gain. And I've learned how to welcome the good.

I never said life would be easy, I have just promised myself it would be worth it. And from here on out, I know I have a second chance at doing things right. You will never be able to move on if you let your past anchor you down. And never let the people who have hurt you win.

High & Dry

I loved him.



We lived together, but when I look back on it, it feels more like playing house. I felt needed and appreciated. There is no better feeling than feeling needed. I was only in my early twenties and I thought I knew the world by then. It was more than a partnership, more than a relationship and I was happy to put myself on a plate and offer all of myself to him. I didn’t care about getting flowers, or presents or anything like that. I felt like a princess because he gave me the ability love and trust someone more than I ever had in my life. In relationships, I don’t really ask for much. I have more fun with a tickle fight than going to a $40 show. His happiness was my happiness, and along the way, I lost myself. Before I knew it, his friends were my friends, my life was being planned according to his calendar and I followed like any overly loyal girlfriend would have. The only thing I asked for was to not break me. Give me the same respect I give you. Give me the same happiness in the effort I put towards you, into me.



So one night, I lay alone in the hospital after hearing the most devastating news – I was going to be a cripple. It was all right, I thought. I had him and he loved me enough to accept me for who I was. I was absolutely comforted knowing out of everyone in my life, he would be the first person to be at my side.



I never heard from him again. Sure, girls came in and out, using my bed while I was learning to walk again. The apartment was cleaned out before I came home a month later as if he were a ghost. Like he was a figment of my imagination.



I can describe all the cliché things that happen after following a break-up, especially one that cold. How your heart closes, how love is the enemy, and how cold you feel inside, enough to bring on a frost advisory.



No matter how many times I say I am grateful for the things that have happened to me over the last few years, that one incident literally broke me. But I’m a woman, and women need some emotional stuff in their life, right? So many boys came and go. I didn’t sleep with any of them. Sex became so incredibly sacred to me and it felt like I would be giving a piece of myself to this person. I went 4 years without sex. Now, I did kiss, I did flirt and date around. I needed the company. And as awful as it sounds, I needed to feel appreciated. It didn’t matter if I saw no future with the guy; I used them all to hear the things I wanted to hear. I used their hugs, their comfort, late nights and kisses. I literally flirted with disaster. My insides were the aftermath of a war, the destruction of being torn apart and the last thing I wanted was to be built back up again. I was a hollow shell unable to love anyone but myself.



Dear world, this is the most honest and open I have been to so many people at the same time. I have faith again. No matter how much I fight back those feelings I know are there, I can’t fight anymore. I am learning you cannot be happy without risking being completely open. And sometimes, just sometimes and not very often, someone comes along and brings that wall down. As exposed and vulnerable you may feel, realize it is okay to feel. It’s not healthy going down the road I took, especially for so long. Not everyone is out to hurt you. But I can’t lie and say it’s not the scariest feeling in the world. My self-destructive days are now over and it took me this long to realize it does more harm than good.



Broken and rebuilding; I know it will all be worth it.

A Second Chance

For the first time in 28 years, I am alive. Every breath I take is a reminder of how appreciative I should be. I am in control of my life, for the first time in 28 years. Any destructive lifestyle I may have lived is in the past. I want to feel pain, happiness, loss, love, and faith. I want to kiss. I want to love. I want to be a friend. I want to be inspired. I don't ever want to hold myself back. I want to live life with a love I have never felt before.



Friendship is true blue. Every friend is a mirror of yourself, a look into what kind of person you are. Friends are a mirror of your character, of what kind of person you want to be. Take a good look at whom you claim your loyalty to. They should inspire you; they should make you want to be a better person. Friends should encourage you to lead an amazing life, give you faith and a newfound hope. They are your safety net – no matter how high you feel like you are about to fall. Do you want to be a good person? Surround yourself with good people.



Relationships are a partnership. When you're in a relationship, even if nothing else in your life is right, you should feel like your whole world is complete. I want to appreciate and I want to be appreciated. Life is fucking fantastic, but even more fantastic when you have someone to share it with. Relationships should not take hard work; this should come naturally. Enough of jealousy and realize trust is enough; trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust, faith, compromise and love with every single muscle you have in your body. Love is unselfish. Love is the ultimate act of knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other. Love trusts someone enough to tell them everything about you, including the things you might be ashamed of or even scared to tell them. Love has no games, no rules, and no time – only a face, a face of someone worth every ounce of effort left in you.







Life, you are on my radar now. I am ready. I want to live you to your fullest. I want to experience all that I have taken granted for. I will never complain about you again. My breathing is a gift. My life is my canvas. And what I decide to do with it should be a masterpiece.