Lovely so far, but my heart's still a marble in an empty jelly jar.
The other night, a friend was describing me to someone new:
“She’s not like other girls our age.”
“No drama? Kinda chill?”
“You could say that. She’s been in a metaphorical coma for the past few years.”
I laughed this off, but I never had thought of it that way. While everyone was growing up in their own ways, moving on and lives were taking their own courses; I had my own. Friendships, relationships, sex, school and work all took a backseat and my life had pressed a ‘metaphorical’ pause button.
As 2011 is approaching, I’ve been looking back at the past year. Something has lit a fire inside me and I have tried to cram everything I might have missed, during the past year. I like feeling this way, like a student trying to learn from life while having the most fun anyone possibly could.
I’ve been attracting a certain type of guy: the fixers. This kind of guy sees a girl with health issues, a girl trying to resurrect her life, and they want to fix or take care of me. First of all, there is absolutely nothing to fix. There are no questions about what I want in life and where I’m heading. Secondly, I’m the nurturer. I take satisfaction in a relationship (or even a friendship) where I can be a motherly; the “take his shoes off after work” kind of gal. Plus, I don’t want to change anyone, let alone have someone try and change me. The fixers also brand you as some kind of property, or their own work in progress. I find it ironic that what used to scare guys away, is now bringing them into my life.
Meanwhile, I’ve been getting closer with a few people. I haven’t been able to do this in a long, long time without feeling anxious about it. Normally, I just let things happen and see where they go. Now, in the back of my mind, I keep hearing “man, this guy is TOTALLY going to run if I have a flare up, so I’m going to run before he does”. I decided that it might be better to get to know someone better before forming any kind of relationship so I don’t have that paranoia that keeps me from being my usual carefree self. This past weekend, I divorced myself from that kind of mentality and just enjoyed the moment, lived in the now. It’s definitely something I want to keep going.
