Tiny Daggers

I only have a year left of college until I graduate.  I should have graduated a few years ago, but numerous hospitalizations and health issues have held me back.  When I was previously updating this blog, I was studying neuroscience -- neuropsychology to be exact.  I wanted that phD so badly I could taste it.  I have one year left studying pediatric nursing.  I often think about what life would like now if I stayed with science.  Instead, I'm bartending, slinging drinks and settling for the next best thing.  I do that a lot now -- settle for the next best thing.

That brings me to ER.  ER is a best friend of mine, and he's known me since I was just 16 years old.  My family adores the hell out of ER.  He has a great job, has his shit together, is respectful, thoughtful and an overall perfect guy.  There is absolutely no question that if I were having a flare up, he would be there for me in a heartbeat.  If I were lying in a hospital bed, I wouldn't feel insecure about how he felt about it.  We talk every single day.  Good morning and goodnight texts, even stupid random pictures of what we're up to.  And just like my career, I often think of what life would be like if I was with ER.

Then I think about what life would be like if I stayed in the Pacific Northwest, or even in Philadelphia.  Instead, I'm living in a city that I wasn't always 100% a fan of, but I'm making the best of it.

Finally, I wonder about R, and what life would be like right now if I were just upfront and honest, instead of an irrational loonytoon, doing irrational shit because I was a big puss about him seeing his vision of a perfect girl being plagued by health problems.  With him, there was always a feeling of us vs. the world, and I loved that.  Like no matter what life slung at us, if we had each other, everything would be alright.  I didn't feel lonely knowing that he was out there.  My best friend Monica asked me last night if me and R were too similar, but that's just another thing I love about him.  It's comforting.

Best friends will call your ass out

If things can't be repaired with R, I will be more open about dating.  Strangely enough, guys he knows will reach out to me over Facebook or Instagram and ask me out on a date.  They have no clue, of course, so it's strange to say "you're sweet, but I'm currently involved with someone", when I want to say "listen, I'm currently involved with someone and that someone is your boy".  There's also a girl in me and R's orbit that I've become close with.  It's always awkward to say no thanks, even though I'm technically single, but currently in limbo with someone I'm head over heels about.  I hate being in limbo, but I see things with me and R to be potentially really special, and having a strong relationship that's not exactly typical.  And that's another thing -- we are so bizarre, and life with him is strange, but I fucking love it.  However, I will be open to the possibilities if things don't work out.  Keeping walls out can become exhausting and at this point, I'm over it.  I'm ready for something different.

Atmosphere

Back to yoga

It's been a few years, but hi readers!

If your new to this blog, let me give a quick run down:

Years ago during a MS support group, the idea of starting a blog/vlogs and documenting your journey was encouraged.  Soon enough, I'd gain a decent following, met extraordinary people and great friends (a few I still keep in touch with).  It was therapeutic.  I'm not very open with discussing all the feels, but having this blog really helped with that.  I'm opening it will help again, and perhaps help other people new to this disease reading this.  I've unlocked all of my previous entries and will be unlocking my YouTube videos.

Since I last posted, I moved away from Philadelphia and made roots in Buffalo.  Strangely enough, MS is super prevalent around these parts.  I don't have to explain to a single person what Multiple Sclerosis actually is.  However, over the years I became withdrawn.  No longer being active in the MS community, I wasn't even telling people I had MS.  I thought moving to Buffalo would give me a new identity.

Living with this disease has absolutely been no picnic.  I stopped spending time with friends.  I stopped dating.  I stopped taking overall care of myself.  I became angry at the world, kept people at a distance and avoided my diagnosis at all costs.

Life was going well, blissfully ignorant, with my head in the sand.  Until I met someone new.  Let's call him R.  Now R is much younger -- I am talking real cougar, 9 year age difference.  What started off as what I wanted to be short-lived and inconspicuous, I would quickly become aware that this was the real deal.  Even though I've known him for 2 years, I've know him for much longer -- he was the image in my head of the ideal partner in crime for myself.  Plane going down levels of anxiety would set in.  After constantly being told you are perfect by someone you care about, it puts a lot of pressure on a person.  Telling someone you are romantically interested in that you are disabled with a disease that has no cure, panic and depression sets in.

Then my vision started to become blurry, the next month I had pins and needles in my hands, and then the following month I started to have difficulty walking.  I had to wake up to reality that this person who has put me on a perfect pedestal would see me at my worst.  Then my mother would validate my worst fear out loud -- he is 25, you are 34 with a progressive disease, so why on Earth would he stick around?  Like that, I would be at war with myself.  One side started to purposely try and sink the ship.  The other would put him to the test to see how he would be in crisis.  Lies, deception, and an overall shit-show would soon happen once my health became worse.   We had an expiration date and my mother could be right.  But with talent, I pushed away.  Ask anyone with MS and they will tell you that feeling like a burden is our worst fear realized.  I wanted R to not see me as perfect, as it was too much pressure on this sick girl's shoulders.  I cannot be perfect if there may come a day where he would have to help me take a shower, help me dress myself, or hold my hand when I'm unsteady.  And let me say that he is possibly one of the most unreliable people I have ever known.

He told me the other day that I ruined us.  And I did not because I purposely wanted to, but because of my own insecurities with being disabled.  It took burning what I had with R down to ash to realize that.

So here we are.  Losing someone I truly love very deeply was a wake-up call to get shit together, to take care of myself better, and to stop sabotaging life because I am scared shitless.  I need to work on myself.  In my 34 years of being on this Earth, I had never felt that way for another person.  In the process, I ruined myself as well.  And if I am going to welcome any relationships or friendships in the future, I am going to have to stop being a scared, self-sabotaging shithead.

I don‘t have many good years left, I need to start living.  I need to get out of my head and enjoy life for what it is.

I hope to reconnect with a lot of you soon.  This blog needs an extreme overhaul.

And I Will Hold Onto Hope

Love

it will not betray you,
Dismay or enslave you, 
it will set you free.
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.

Never would I believe I'd be so close with an ex, I'd consider him a best friend, especially imagine him as my potential roommate.  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you guys that this is the most fantastic person I've ever known in my lifetime.


J.C. has been there for me during wheelchair, no wheelchair, hospitals, sickness and health.  I will forever be grateful for that (and it makes me tear up just typing this out).

Our relationship was pretty amazing.  I met him when I was 19, him being 23.  He chased after me for a few months, and over that time, we became very close friends.  Our friendship blossomed into something beautiful.  We became that couple who were inseparable -- not because either one of us had to see the other every single day of every single hour... it was because we were best friends.  We had more fun when the other was around.  One year for Halloween, we dressed up as a nerdy couple (glasses, pocket protectors and all), snorting when we laugh, dorky Eskimo kisses with our pants raised high up and being in total character for the whole night.  That was us; a team.  Soon enough, we were living together.  J.C. and I very rarely fought.  Almost three years into it, the only things we'd fight about were money, because we were two young kids with our first apartment.  

After we had split, we did our back-and-forth post-breakup... however, J.C. didn't consider me a booty-call, there was no pretending -- J.C. wholeheartedly cared about me, with no doubt about that.  Sometimes J.C. would call me late at night and I would quickly drive over to see him.  We would just sweetly kiss, spoon with each other in bed, lay quiet as mice and cure whatever pain we had from missing one another.  Nothin' dirty.  In those moments, all our problems, our fears, and worries slipped away.   There wasn't any who was right, who was wrong.  There wasn't any who gave more effort, there wasn't any who won or lost.  It was something I'd wish I had with Chunks.  He was my first love, and greatest love.  J.C. made my heart pure and caged the wild animal in me.  And the trick of not fighting?  The trick of tasting some of the most pure love of all?  Knowing what we had between us was too strong and able to conquer any kind of mess; big or small.  We became a team -- us vs. the world, us vs. the outside forces -- and we became impenetrable. 

My mother secretly hopes me and J.C. would run away to get married.  Our family members urge us to get back together.  However, my dad hated him -- I was going into college and J.C. was stuck in a dead-end job with no goals... no matter how wonderful he treated his daughter.  As for me and J.C., we frequently flirt with the idea.  To any outsider, we may look like a couple.  He's still incredibly protective of me, even though we give each other dating advice. 


But we're too afraid to lose what we have now if something went wrong.  J.C. is hands-down the best boyfriend any gal could ask for.  He's going to make some girl very happy one day.  And in the meantime, I need to fix myself to be the girl I once was.  I will hold onto hope, and I'll find strength in pain, then I will change my ways.

The 7 Stages Of Grief

Any Psych 101 student can explain to you the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief.  Kübler-Ross added that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Her theory also holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in any particular order. The theory is that the reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them. Some people may get stuck in one stage.

__________________________..............__________________________

 

STAGE 1. SHOCK & DENIAL  (2006)
You will probably react to learning of illness with numbed disbelief.  You may deny the reality of the diagnosis at some level, in order to avoid the pain.  Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks, or in my case, years.  

A lot of friends and family would ask me, "why didn't you tell us sooner?", but in all honesty, it takes some time to accept the news on your own before having the time to tell others.  I always believed telling people your diagnosis was making it a reality.

STAGE 2. PAIN & GUILT  (2007)
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.  Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it.  

I turned to alcohol.  Some turn to drugs, others turn to casual sex.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or what you did to deserve it.  Life feels chaotic and unstable during this phase.  

I struggled daily with the thought of karma -- what did I do to deserve this?

STAGE 3. ANGER &BARGAINING  (2008)
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for diagnosis on someone else.  Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result.  Even though MS claims it's not hereditary, I felt as if my father done the damage (MS took the life of his sister's son; my cousin).  This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

STAGE 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS (2009 - 2010)
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you.  This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.  "Things could always be worse," people say.  During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your diagnosis.  

I isolated myself on purpose -- after my diagnosis, I swore of relationships for 5 years.  The most time I'd spend with someone was up to 3 weeks, and out the door I went.  I didn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship.  I felt damaged, unwanted and not needed.  I always focused on memories of the past.  I have never felt that truly lonely in my life during those years.

STAGE 5. THE UPWARD TURN (End of 2010 - 2011)
As you start to adjust to life with a diagnosis, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

I was sick -- I cannot change that, it is who I am.  Accept me as I am or not.

Make your diagnosis a positive attribute in your life, like I did when I started this blog two years ago.

STAGE 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH (2011 - NOW)
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life with a diagnosis.  You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life with health complications.

I started dating again, not looking for a serious relationship because I knew I wasn't ready, but I started dating to find company, just not casual sex/dating.  I would meet the first person I'd care about during this period, and even though it was shaky, I learned how to care again.  I would learn what it took to make a relationship healthy, since it had been almost 6 years.  I started opening up to people I cared about, sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.  And I started to love myself again. 

I also learned you could move a thousand miles away, find new friends or try to live a new life -- but you will never be happy, no matter where you are or who you are with, if you aren't happy with yourself.

STAGE 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE  (2012 - NOW)
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation.  Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.  Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you may or may not return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy.  But you will find a way forward -- you will find a NEW you.

I feel ready to share my life with others, I feel ready to let love in and begin a healthy relationship.  I feel ready to show my life to someone I care about without the fear of them learning how damaged I had become because of my diagnosis.  Finally feeling carefree and able to relax again, I haven't felt this calm in years.  I'm finally happy again, with the new person I had become.

What It Feels Like To Be Diagnosed With MS

My dad brought me into the E.R. during the afternoon of February 14th, 2006.  The E.R. was packed.  I remember one man's skin was literally melting off after an explosion with his grill.  There was a teenager with his hand wrapped, bandages soaked in blood.  As soon as I walked up to go register myself, I fell right to the floor.  I could feel my legs, but the floor felt like sand and my legs weren't listening to the commands in my head.

"GET A WHEELCHAIR!  HURRY!  GET HER A ROOM!" the nurses said, yelling for help.

 ____________________________________________

 
I was resting in my hospital bed after a long day of being poked and prodded.  I remember the lights were off, but the glow of the television set lit the room.  I wasn't watching t.v., I was waiting for a doctor to come tell me why I couldn't move my legs.  I was wondering why my friends weren't calling.  I wondered what my boyfriend was going to do that night for Valentine's Day.

My neurologist came in and explained to me all of my test results.  Blood tests were negative, negative for STD's, negative for drugs, negative for Lyme Disease, negative for Transverse Myelitis.

"The only option left is Multiple Sclerosis.  You'll have MRI's tomorrow to see if there are any lesions," he explained, holding my hand as I cried in my hospital bed.  I knew what Multiple Sclerosis was, my cousin had it and his MS was so severe.  I had heard stories of how my aunt took him to Mexico for bee stings and snake venom.  Years ago, there barely were any options to help MS, but rumor had it that bee stings and venom could be a possible cure.  My aunt had tried her hardest.  My cousin's MS impacted the family so traumatically, I knew when I would tell my father that I'd have MS, he wouldn't take it so well.

I think I became more worried about telling people about MS than the actual diagnosis itself.

The hospital doctors talked about I-V steroids and rehab -- maybe I'll get better and walk again.  I was in high spirits, but not for long.  In rehab, everyone is on a set schedule.  There was a 7 a.m. wake-up call, 8 a.m. breakfast, 9 a.m. rehab, 11 a.m - 1 p.m. was lunch and resting, 2 p.m was rehab and you were done for the day at 4 p.m., followed by a 5 p.m. dinner.

I got into my wheelchair at 7:30 a.m. to get ready for breakfast.  At that time, I barely knew how to use a wheelchair.  I couldn't push with my legs, so I relied heavily on others to push me around.  And there I was -- in the middle of the rehab hallway by myself, unable to push my wheelchair and no one around to help me.  It was then when I realized how alone I felt, how my diagnosis alienated me from the world I knew.  It was then I realized my diagnosis would change my life forever and the life as I knew it would never be the same.

 ____________________________________________

My friend doing the WalkMS with me last year

When someone is diagnosed with MS, their world is turned upside-down.  First, you have to learn to accept it.  It might take years to accept a diagnosis, but initially, you hear it happening but you never believe it will ever happen to you.  Second, you worry about what your friends and family will think.  You will start to feel like a burden to other people.  You feel like you'll become the "downer" to your friends.  Then when friends call less and less, your fears become realized.  I had spent hours on a computer researching what MS really was and I sunk myself into a world of "what if's".  Will I ever have children?  Will I become a vegetable one day?  Am I going to work again?  Who will want to love someone like me?  Will I ever be happy again like I was?  A diagnosis sounded like the end of the world.  

But a diagnosis doesn't have to be that way.  I tell everyone I talk to from this website the same thing -- I wish I could tell you everything will be coming up daisies, but it won't.  However, MS will change your life in ways you have never imagined.  Even though friends came and go, a new crop of friends will show... friends who will support you no matter what; true friends.  Family bonds will be tightened.  And here's the best part -- your confidence will be stellar.  You are fighting MS -- you can fight anything.  You are the ultimate fighting ninja warrior and you can do it all.  Positivity and determination will take you every where in the world, always remember that.

Reader's Submission: The Townhouse

This is a reader's submission from:

Kelley Kirkpatrick from Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I was in a serious relationship with my (ex)boyfriend Dan.  We've lived together too.  We rarely fight and when we do, fights usually end as soon as they start.  Me and my boyfriend talked about marriage a lot.  We had our future dog picked out, our wedding plans picked out and even his mother would call me her daughter-in-law.  Never in my life have I felt anything that stable, because I came from a very broken household.  My parents weren't exactly prime examples of what a happy marriage should look like.

About 5 years ago, my left eye was blurry.  I went to work thinking it would just go away.  Then around lunch time, my left side felt like pins and needles.  I thought maybe because I sit down all day and maybe my leg/arm just fell asleep.  When I got home later that night, I could barely see anything out of my left eye and that pins and needles sensation was still there.  I asked Dan to take me to the hospital.

That night at the hospital, they did tests until the early morning.  The next day, everything became worse and I couldn't move my legs.  My legs felt like dead weight.  I spent a week like that with every doctor doing every kind of test they could do but all tests led back to one diagnosis; Multiple Sclerosis.  They put me on a high dosage of Prednisone which helped my vision but my legs still weren't moving. 

Dan was great through all of it.  He held my hand, he comforted me, he was my rock when I spent a month in the hospital.  But then it happened.  Five weeks in the hospital, doctors told me I would have to be fitted for my very own wheelchair.  Weirdly enough, Dan took it harder than I did but I didn't think anything of it at the time.  Finding out I'd have to use a wheelchair devastated me more than the diagnosis.  But this is not what my story is about.

A month after I came home from the hospital, me and Dan were in the middle of fixing our townhouse so it was handicapped accessible.  He got annoyed when my wheelchair made scuff marks on the walls.  He got mad when my wheels made scuffs on our tile floors.  He was upset that I didn't leave home very much.  He spent most of his time upstairs, because I couldn't use the stairs anymore.  And he sounded embarrassed when he would tell his friends his girlfriend was in a wheelchair.  Dan no longer invited people over.  This was really hard for me especially when I was trying to accept my diagnosis.

One day, Dan's friends came over and Dan wasn't with them.  They came over to move out his stuff out of our townhouse.  Dan was too chicken to do it himself.  I would never see Dan again.  To make matters worse, I was alone in a wheelchair, living in a townhouse with a flight of stairs I couldn't use.

I can happily say I'll be married this Fall to my fiance Jason.  I met him at rehab one day.  He had an accident and needed rehabbing at the hospital I was doing my rehab at.  Every Monday and Wednesday, we would go to lunch after our rehab session.  It was love.  Even though Jason is healthy and has rehabbed himself 100%, with the occasional hand tremors, I'm still in my wheelchair.  I still live in my townhouse too, but Jason saved up his money and had contractors build an electric lift for our staircase.  His friends love me, his family loves me and my wheelchair is as accepted as just another part of me, of who I am.

Like Natalie once said, if someone can't accept you at your worse, they sure as hell don't deserve you at your best.  Thank you for reading.

Kelley.... diagnosed when I was 25 years old, April 2007

Dear Natalie

Dear Natalie,

the other day I went to check your blog to see if you did an update and I saw the last (and sadly, the only) post. I was very sad when I saw your video and I seriously cannot believe there are that many immature people out there. As I commented on one of your posts, I really do admire you, and you really inspire me! I don't have MS, or cancer, I'm just a regular 19 year old girl (only struggling with my weight)...
One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer last september, and I personally became even closer to her because of this... I cannot even imagine why people need to be so mean to others.
I totally did not plan what to write in this email, I just wanted to say that I still will support you even though you are not going to blog anymore.
Also, I think that you've been very brave in the first place to write your life, your feelings, everything in a blog. I like to think I got to know you in person, and even if it sounds creepy maybe I feel you were like a new internet friend to me kind of :)
Stay strong girl! Don't let stupid people put you down! :) They don't know who you are, how your life is, and most importantly they don't live in your own body so they will NEVER know how you feel if they don't experience it.
Hope I helped you a little. <3 I really felt soooooo sad when I saw your last video! I wanted to hug you but it's not even possible since you live in the US and I live in Italy...!
I send you a huge hug from overseas.
Much love!
xoxo
Susi

PS:Hope you answer this email :)

I'll do one better and reply to you via blog.  I get a few e-mails a day but this one really touched me.  You've really understood my reasoning for running this blog -- I wanted people like you to feel like they have a friend.  Whether you have Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, or just a cold, we all share something in common... we all need someone to relate to.  We all need to feel like we are not alone.  This world is cold and cruel -- but it doesn't have to be.

No matter how busy I've been in my life, I have always tried to update, no matter the time or location.  This blog started off with about 50 readers and now I have up to 1,400 followers.  Even though I've been going back and forth about the future of this blog, I'll continue updating.  I figured if I closed it down, it would be "oh well, time to find another blogger", but I've received an overwhelming amount of e-mails about how upsetting it is that I've decided to shut it down.  Even to the point of deleting (which I was able to restore, just in time).  I'm proud of what I have written; happy times and bad.


I want to say how of an incredible friend you are to stick by your friend like that.  She's going to need you and she's lucky to have a person like you in her life.  Words like yours get me through the tough days.  In my real life, it's extremely difficult for me to talk about my feelings.  My blog has been an outlet for that.  My friends read it.  My family reads it.  The people I date read it.  This blog is me; completely raw and unedited.  And this blog is completely dedicated to people like you.  I wish you the best of luck and love in your life.

Thank you all for reading and I hope to continue to bring my friendship into your lives as well.

Natalie xx

Question From A Reader

Natalie,
My boyfriend of almost 3 years has been diagnosed with early stages of MS. What can I do to make things easier for him. I stay up on the phone and we laugh and we go out and have fun and hes like my best friend, but what else can I do? I don’t know alot about it or how he feels unless he tells me but i dont want to bring it up with him all the time. and now his mindset is different, last night he said to me "life is all a memory. When we get off the phone now this conversation will just be another thing that’s happened" I dont want him to think like this it upsets me and of course being a male he refuses to confide his feelings in me. It’s very hard to get him to talk. ANYWAY can someone give me some advice on how to treat him? He’s going to start "avonex" soon.

This is a tough one. Even though I don’t exactly have the mindset of a man and could possibly help you about what his intentions are, I can do my best. But my advice is simple enough – keep doing what you are doing.

The worst thing you can do with someone diagnosed with MS is treat him or her differently. We already feel like a special case. Doctors treat us like a diagnosis. Others treat us with pity. The most important people in our lives should treat us with the same love and respect they had for us before we were diagnosed.

Us folk with MS tend to keep our guard up at all times. It is not you, or your relationship. It’s his relationship with his diagnosis. Us MS’ers treat time as something more precious than any other normal being. We aren’t exactly sure if we’ll be walking tomorrow, be able to hold our children when we are older, or see our loved ones turn gray. I wouldn’t be offended, or hurt, by his comment. He sounds like he is still working on the worst part of his diagnosis; acceptance.

If you feel the need to talk about it, then do so. But right now, he may be looking more for an ear (or shoulder), rather than someone reminding him of how crappy it is to be diagnosed and the endless possibility of problems that go along with it.

Dating and having MS sucks. We have more baggage than any other fish in the sea and it takes a very special person to accept us (and love us) for who we are. It's been four years for me and I still haven't found that special someone. Consider himself lucky to have you.

So what I can only advise you to do, besides be your awesome loving self of a girlfriend, is show him a great time. Don’t dwell on the past, what could be or what should be. Live life in the moment and never take it for granted. Being positive really rubs off on people.

High & Dry

I loved him.



We lived together, but when I look back on it, it feels more like playing house. I felt needed and appreciated. There is no better feeling than feeling needed. I was only in my early twenties and I thought I knew the world by then. It was more than a partnership, more than a relationship and I was happy to put myself on a plate and offer all of myself to him. I didn’t care about getting flowers, or presents or anything like that. I felt like a princess because he gave me the ability love and trust someone more than I ever had in my life. In relationships, I don’t really ask for much. I have more fun with a tickle fight than going to a $40 show. His happiness was my happiness, and along the way, I lost myself. Before I knew it, his friends were my friends, my life was being planned according to his calendar and I followed like any overly loyal girlfriend would have. The only thing I asked for was to not break me. Give me the same respect I give you. Give me the same happiness in the effort I put towards you, into me.



So one night, I lay alone in the hospital after hearing the most devastating news – I was going to be a cripple. It was all right, I thought. I had him and he loved me enough to accept me for who I was. I was absolutely comforted knowing out of everyone in my life, he would be the first person to be at my side.



I never heard from him again. Sure, girls came in and out, using my bed while I was learning to walk again. The apartment was cleaned out before I came home a month later as if he were a ghost. Like he was a figment of my imagination.



I can describe all the cliché things that happen after following a break-up, especially one that cold. How your heart closes, how love is the enemy, and how cold you feel inside, enough to bring on a frost advisory.



No matter how many times I say I am grateful for the things that have happened to me over the last few years, that one incident literally broke me. But I’m a woman, and women need some emotional stuff in their life, right? So many boys came and go. I didn’t sleep with any of them. Sex became so incredibly sacred to me and it felt like I would be giving a piece of myself to this person. I went 4 years without sex. Now, I did kiss, I did flirt and date around. I needed the company. And as awful as it sounds, I needed to feel appreciated. It didn’t matter if I saw no future with the guy; I used them all to hear the things I wanted to hear. I used their hugs, their comfort, late nights and kisses. I literally flirted with disaster. My insides were the aftermath of a war, the destruction of being torn apart and the last thing I wanted was to be built back up again. I was a hollow shell unable to love anyone but myself.



Dear world, this is the most honest and open I have been to so many people at the same time. I have faith again. No matter how much I fight back those feelings I know are there, I can’t fight anymore. I am learning you cannot be happy without risking being completely open. And sometimes, just sometimes and not very often, someone comes along and brings that wall down. As exposed and vulnerable you may feel, realize it is okay to feel. It’s not healthy going down the road I took, especially for so long. Not everyone is out to hurt you. But I can’t lie and say it’s not the scariest feeling in the world. My self-destructive days are now over and it took me this long to realize it does more harm than good.



Broken and rebuilding; I know it will all be worth it.

A Second Chance

For the first time in 28 years, I am alive. Every breath I take is a reminder of how appreciative I should be. I am in control of my life, for the first time in 28 years. Any destructive lifestyle I may have lived is in the past. I want to feel pain, happiness, loss, love, and faith. I want to kiss. I want to love. I want to be a friend. I want to be inspired. I don't ever want to hold myself back. I want to live life with a love I have never felt before.



Friendship is true blue. Every friend is a mirror of yourself, a look into what kind of person you are. Friends are a mirror of your character, of what kind of person you want to be. Take a good look at whom you claim your loyalty to. They should inspire you; they should make you want to be a better person. Friends should encourage you to lead an amazing life, give you faith and a newfound hope. They are your safety net – no matter how high you feel like you are about to fall. Do you want to be a good person? Surround yourself with good people.



Relationships are a partnership. When you're in a relationship, even if nothing else in your life is right, you should feel like your whole world is complete. I want to appreciate and I want to be appreciated. Life is fucking fantastic, but even more fantastic when you have someone to share it with. Relationships should not take hard work; this should come naturally. Enough of jealousy and realize trust is enough; trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust, faith, compromise and love with every single muscle you have in your body. Love is unselfish. Love is the ultimate act of knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other. Love trusts someone enough to tell them everything about you, including the things you might be ashamed of or even scared to tell them. Love has no games, no rules, and no time – only a face, a face of someone worth every ounce of effort left in you.







Life, you are on my radar now. I am ready. I want to live you to your fullest. I want to experience all that I have taken granted for. I will never complain about you again. My breathing is a gift. My life is my canvas. And what I decide to do with it should be a masterpiece.

The Key To Change Is To Let Go Of Fear

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m staying the night at my parent’s house. Hearing them sleeping, feeling their comfort of having their daughter safe at home brings pleasure like eating a fresh baked cookie.
When I see them, I don’t just see parents, I see my lifeline and my strength in form. I would not be where I am today without them. When all was lost, when all was lonely, my parents were there. And I will return the favor for them. (My mother plans on writing a post for my blog, fyi!)

I don’t feel old – I feel matured. No longer “dating”, I am holding out for someone worth my time. It’s time to settle down and find someone worthy of what I have inside me. I have a lot to give. In easier words; a mature relationship. I no longer feel the need to fit in or mold myself to please others. People come and go, but the few I have are priceless. Friendship is no longer about competition, jealousy or drama. Revenge is no longer about getting someone “back”, but rather letting it go. It does not deserve the effort.

Love has a new feeling, a new definition. Love is absolutely beautiful. There is a world of endless possibility. There is no such thing as a leader, but a partnership. Not even the best scientist in the world could define that deep connection between two people. Seeing my parents is like Christmas morning. Hearing my best friend Monica on the phone always makes my day better.

I also don’t feel disabled. Having been in a wheelchair has given me patience, newfound happiness and a softer landing for being let down. When you are at your lowest of low points, there is no way to go but up. I know I have a disease that has no cure, but life is life and it doesn’t define who I am. Some of the strongest people I’ve had the pleasure to meet have disabilities. They are an amazing group of people – you all are.

Welcome To Your Life

“Something is different about you, Natalie,” my mother and father say almost on a daily basis.

I feel different, too. Almost like I woke up one morning and my view on everything had changed.
I’ve been planning my walk for the MS Society in May; handing out brochures, posters and awareness pins. So far, my walking group has reached over our goal of $300. Without my friends and family, I don’t think I would be where I am today, and I am honored to be walking with them.

Feeling the benefits of charity, I have also joined the Big Brothers and Sisters of America. Even though I haven’t been set up with my ‘little sister’ yet (I asked to be paired with a girl who is disabled), I’m excited to be making an impact on youth.

A huge check came in my name last month (I have a job on a hit television show), and I was able to pay off my debts. Instead of going out, buying a dozen pairs of high heels and having a shopping spree, I decided to pay off all my debts. I am happy to announce that I have absolutely no debt.

Watching my best friend Astrid falling for my very good friend Dave is having an affect on me. Why am I still single? I am patient. Not everyone out there is meant for you, but once in awhile, someone comes along and makes your day a little bit better. However, I need to work on myself. I have too much respect for myself to involve myself in any toxic relationships. My focus has been on nothing but school, charity, family and friends. For years, I’ve had problems with relationships. I felt as something was missing, but now I know what it was -- me. I needed to be happy with myself before I could become happy with anyone else.

I’m at the point right now where I am comfortable being with myself and I don’t need a relationship to validate that. After all of the bad dates, crazy boyfriends and not so wonderful friendships, I finally know what true love is -- and I have it within myself.

I feel content. I feel like I've found my purpose.


“There are great things in store for you in your future, Natalie. I feel like your life is just beginning,” my mother said with a smile.

So when I ask my parents, “what is so different about me”, their response is, “you’ve grown up.”


Please donate to our MSWalk group -- we need all of the support we can get.
Donate here!

A Love Note To My Ficitional Character

"Love And Other Drugs"

I got around to watching “Love and Other Drugs” out of curiosity. The movie revolves around a woman my age with a degenerative disease (Parkinson’s) and her quests to not only become comfortable with her diagnosis, but finding love.
Maggie, the lead, is terrified of becoming close to someone, however she won’t let anyone, or anything, stand in her way of leading a “normal life”. It is pretty much your cheesy love drama, but there are some parts of the movie I identify with; especially Maggie.

Maggie had a man in her life who left her when she was diagnosed, and it forever changed the way she looked at relationships. She spends her time making art, not letting her diagnosis control her, a free spirit, seize the day kind of gal. She lives each day as if it were her last to enjoy it; we are all expiration dates. She expresses the frustration on doctors treating her like an experiment instead of a human being, attends support groups and takes care of herself. Of course, there are scenes where you get to notice the side effects of her condition: hand trembling, tremors, memory loss, and the usual. She then hides these side effects from her potential suitors because deep down she knows it may scare them away. But Maggie does avoid relationships, only for the reason that she knows she IS sick.

I quote Maggie, “who would want to love a sick girl?”

Maggie, girl, I know your pain, even though you are fictional. But don’t worry; Maggie does indulge on sexual escapades (hey, we’re human), relationships without strings attached and the idea of being courted like a lady, but she doesn't complain about being single... her independence inspires her.

But this is when Hollywood bullshit comes through; she meets a man that accepts her for who she is and wants to take care of her, sickness and through health. He warms her cynical, distant heart. (Who didn't see that coming?)

There was one point in the movie that really struck me. It was a scene when the male lead asks for advice from a man that had been taking care of his sick wife for 20 years, advice on how to date a girl as sick as Maggie.

And his response was this:
“Leave a note. Tell her you are sorry and go find a healthy girl.”

I am happy that there is a movie that does document the feelings of a woman just like me, and what goes through our head on a daily basis.

Just remember, the most important thing to learn from all of this, is that the only acceptance you need is from yourself.

I Had A Bad Week.

A very close friend of mine passed away. While I was sick, she was one of the very few people that stuck around and I loved her for that. Her funeral was tonight.

While packing up her apartment, her death made me question my life and mortality. Sometimes I get jealous of the people that are able to wake up, be lazy and go hang out at bars without a worry in the world. This was me a few years ago.

I have no idea what will become of me. My health is erratic. The time when I lost sleep over it are long gone, but I don’t ever want to say, “I really wish I did that”.

So I made a deal with myself tonight –

I will try to eliminate “no” from my vocabulary. I’ll make plans, never break them. Have complete and total mind blowing fun, while becoming a family with friends. I will never doubt them. I will catch a bullet for them.

Surprise my parents. They believe my disability will hold me back. I will prove them wrong. I will continue public speaking, kicking college’s ass, and do as much possible charity I can. I will try to help people, inspire people. Prove them wrong.

I will stop giving a shit what people think of me. Their opinion doesn’t matter; it never did. I will do whatever I want, say whatever I want, whenever I want.

When I meet someone, I will not be awkward or sabotage myself because I believe it will fail. I will not worry that I’m different from other girls and my lifestyle with MS makes some things intimidating. I will no longer lie to guys and say, “I have a boyfriend”.

If I fall for someone, I will love him. I will cherish, inspire and care for him. He can do whatever he please and I will support him. I will be his light when there is darkness. I will be his best friend.

And whenever I feel down, I will remember the day I first used a wheelchair and then I’ll look at the success I’ve had and realize maybe things aren’t that bad.

Love, Let Me Sleep Tonight On Your Couch

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
when he feels like he should be having his fun.

The death of someone so young, especially your own age, puts so much in perspective. What have you done so far to claim your own? Have you done something to be proud of yourself 10 years from now?

Many friends are involved in loving relationships, trying for a family, buying homes, finishing their higher education, or just overall starting the beginning of their lives. I may not have any of those yet, but my accomplishments are more internal. There is no more time to put aside, make things complicated and play games. My friendships have more value, my goals have more of a long-term purpose and my feelings on relationships have changed dramatically. There are a lot of “ohhh, I get it now” thoughts, almost like I’ve been too deaf and dumb to learn how to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

However, change isn’t always the most comfortable feeling. For instance, it’s been a long time since I’ve been in some kind of meaningful relationship, friendship or romantically. But then I look back on how my relationships developed and eventually ended. I’m not a bitter-betty or look back pessimistically, I feel as if I’m finally mature and confident enough to know what is right and what is wrong. Lately, I’ve been becoming extremely close with a few wonderful people that I’m fortunate enough to have in my life. These friendships have taken on a whole different meaning.
Also, I watch my friends in their romantic relationships, which come full-circle. It’s been quite a few years since I’ve agreed to a relationship. I didn’t think I was ready to love someone else unconditionally; I still had a lot to learn and I don’t think I loved myself enough let alone love someone else. And just like my friendships, I would like something to develop just the same – naturally, something that feels right and something that comes easy. Yeah, having Multiple Sclerosis brings baggage, but my diagnosis has given so much self-respect and understanding of what great love is, I finally feel like I’m able to share it with someone else, like I do with my best friends.

I share my love with my friends, my family, my MS family and it’s such an amazing feeling to have. My love for them is completely unselfish.
Only a couple months ago, I dived back into dating again for the first time since my diagnosis. I thought it would be like riding bike but boy, was I wrong. Two great guys I met had potential, but I don’t think I was ready just yet and things got a little weird or carried away. It took quite a lot of dates and courting with different guys over the past few weeks to put myself on the right track. I realized that things don’t have to be hard and feelings don’t have to be dramatic.


And here is my conclusion: I’m too old and tired to fight, to do damage or create strife that is unnecessary. Will I ever meet someone that feels the way I do? Its nothing to lose sleep over or feel pressure about because I know it will eventually happen. It’s the fact that I finally welcome it and I’m comfortable with the possibilities.

When Is Enough, Enough?

"Too much of a good thing does not make it a good thing very long" -- my fortune cookie.

I wish I could stay this age forever.

Recently, I won award money for school by writing an essay on MS and what it was like being disabled. After the next semester, I'll start applying for the bigwig schools. I'm excited about my higher education and how far I've come.

Though, I'm still pushing myself. There's a marathon in the spring and I figured if I could ride a bike, I could definitely run on foot. I barely have any free time and I'm always on the go, something I like but I can feel my body telling me "enough already". On top of that, I barely eat. It's not something I choose to do purposely, I'm just so busy that I can never tell if I'm hungry or not. I can't use the same pair of pants after 3 weeks because they become too big; have no idea what size I am now. And I have two work projects coming up that guarantee even more of a time-suck.

The friendships I had in my youth are so much different than what they are today. Today, we talk about love, life and change. Then, we talked about bars, sex and drama. All the bridges are burned between any hostile friendships I have had. It warms my heart to hear about friends getting married, having children or are successful at work. The stability at this age can get shaky, but watching it bloom into something so fantastic is amazing.

I have a very close friend, MG, that I care about very deeply. She’s the reason I’ve been fortunate enough to experience life without my walls up. MG has brought happiness in my life and when I’m around her, I feel at home. Last night, me, MG and another close friend, A, were sitting on a roof deck in Northern Liberties, looking at the Philadelphia skyline. That moment was euphoria. I’m a sucker for the “little things”, and moments like that always stick in my mind the most. I was in the greatest city in the world, with some of the most extraordinary people I’ve been lucky to meet.

For four years, I avoided dating altogether. It came time this past year to decide whether or not I was ready for a relationship. Of course, there are always a few frogs or guys that aren’t mutually mentally and emotionally mature as I am at this point in life. It’s been so long since I have felt anything for anyone romantically. I would never have believed how difficult it is to find someone that can quit playing games and let things happen naturally. It’s also difficult for guys to get used to my schedule. I’m so curious to how something could develop considering my friendships have grown this beautifully. Won’t lie; I’m so very tired of the dating game. I hate that there are conceived rules, pressure on marriage and mind tricks. I’m tired of bullshit.
A partnership where just being around each other is enough, where sex becomes intense due to a special chemistry, and the ability to feel absolutely comfortable.

For so long, I was dependent on other people to help me; bathe, eat, walk. It's nice for a change, to depend on one person, like I have been for awhile. But the other people in my life make living so much sweeter.

For Friends, For Lovers

After my diagnosis, I’ve noticed a change in my relationships and the way I have handled them. Not only have I been cautious of people, I feel as if friendship should be something that is earned. Although, when I become close with someone, I don’t take them for granted. In any kind of relations I have, I give them the effort they deserve.

At one point, I had such a hard time remembering names, even for people I considered friends. Even though I’m still pretty extroverted, outgoing and easy to get along with, the number of people I truly consider friends has dwindled down. This is not anything I’m upset about; I love my friends. I love that they are considerate, thoughtful and caring. The days of worrying whether someone I consider a friend is flaky are over. I feel honored to have such people in my life.

As for romantic relationships, that is something I want to take slow. Years ago, I jumped in so fast, that I was left wondering weeks later “what in the hell did I get myself into?” Also, I need reassurance that someone will be considerate of my diagnosis and be there when I need them most. I’m not the same girl I was a few years ago and some people can’t grasp the idea that I want nothing more than a life I can be proud of.

While there may be an instant attraction to someone and on some level an immediate connection, it takes time to get to know each other enough to be able to say you have a real and meaningful relationship.

Too often we let the initial infatuation fool us into thinking you've found "the one". So by taking things slow you grow together at a nice steady pace and that just makes it that much stronger and able to withstand the inevitable disagreements that will come up from time to time.

Having said all that, I think relationships take on a life of their own and move at a pace that is very difficult to control. Those that have promise will move quickly in a natural pace, those that don't will stagnate sooner rather than later.

Start putting effort into getting to know someone,
but only if they seem like someone that is worth that effort.
Start talking.
There is no better feeling than being with someone you can be comfortable with.

What I Learned This Week, Part 2

“Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments.”

With Multiple Sclerosis and handling the diagnosis, I hear stories all of the time about abandonment. I understand that there are people out there that cannot deal with the issues that come with a friend that has MS. Personally, I’m loyal to the core, through thick and thin. To get respect, you have to give respect. I very much have an all-or-nothing attitude.

However, the abandonment I’ve encountered has come and go. My diagnosis is pretty much out in the open, even though I still feel uneasy speaking about it with people who haven’t been diagnosed. I know they are curious and I’m more than happy to supply them with information they need to know. I just don’t like making a big deal about it.

MS or not, there will still be people coming and going. Some mean more to me than others, and some break my heart when I feel I can no longer invest my friendship, let alone trust.

Unfortunately, I am still learning how to bargain with myself when it comes to opening up. I like to be polite, friendly and always lend a hand when someone is in need. I also don’t feel the need for the dramatic; I’m trying to live my life as harmonious as possible. But I can’t lie and say I end up disheartened when I let myself open up to someone to only be disappointed. It’s like taking two steps forward, then three steps back.

All I Ever Learned From Love

Well baby, I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

The older I get, the more life makes sense, and I see beauty I hadn’t before.

I can’t look back on my relationships and think they have been nothing but sad relations. I was too young to know what love was, nor how to keep it alive. In your early twenties, nothing is enough, and you are never left satisfied.
I think about possibilities, future and potential. I’m finally comfortable with who I am.

There is no such thing as losing your youth; it’s only a new stage of opportunity, experience and strength. I have confidence to know how a relationship should be, and how it shouldn’t be broken. I know the damage I have done and now have experience on how to prevent it.

Finding someone who finds you beautiful, not based on looks, but by the whole package.

Game playing is over. There becomes an equal communication and feeling of understanding.

The feeling to break free and run diminishes. Fighting is replaced by consoling and comfort. Flaws become acceptable, maybe even endearing. Sex also becomes an intense bond and friendship.

Instead of holding you back, this someone becomes your inspiration.

True Romance

“There is no greater gift than good health. Cherish it always.” -- my fortune cookie

Since this blog is about my life getting back on track after a brief lapse in health issues, I want to talk about the subject of dating.

Before the MS happened, I didn’t have a hard time finding a date for a Friday or Saturday night. But when I think back on it, I didn’t have any prerequisites for the guys I dated. For example, if the guy had absolutely no goal or future plan for himself, I really didn’t care. If he was unemployed, that didn’t bother me one bit.
I’m not sure if it’s my age, my health, or the combination of both, but I’m finding that I’m becoming picky. Four years is a long time to be single, but I’m happy I did; it was much needed. I needed that time to find myself, grow up and just learn from experiences.

Now, when I date, there are characteristics I look for that I hadn’t a few years ago. At first, I was just grateful to find someone that wouldn’t freak the hell out over the idea of a disability, even though visually you couldn’t tell something was wrong. Over time, and after many bad dates, I realized there is much more I want in someone.

I’m older now, either I’m too lazy or just very confident in the idea of having stability in my love life. Passion, romance; they are great, sure. All I want is a best friend, someone I can count on, trust and love with my whole heart.

No drama, no fighting; just easy breezy cheesy love.