Even In Your Darkest Hour, I'll Stand By You

 "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.  We live in denial of what we do, even what we think.  We do this because we're afraid.  We fear we will not find love, and when we find it, we fear we'll lose it.  We fear that if we do not have love, we will be unhappy."

                                                                                              -- Richard Bach

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First and foremost, I want to thank my readers who donated.  Me and my family were able to pay a huge bill for my rehab back in November.  We appreciate it so much, and when I showed my mom the amount in PayPal, she cried happy tears.  So, thank you so much for being awesome!


Second, I started this blog a little over two years ago.  I follow many blogs from authors who are sick, but no one really went into detail about what life is like actually being sick.  And even though we are all different in our own right, we have one thing in common; our health.  I can write a million entries about case studies, cures, but I want disease to have a face.  Through reader's submissions, through stories of my daily life -- I want the disease to have a face, a story, a human being behind it.

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I've been eating super healthy, which is a big deal in my life because I just don't cook.  My fridge has been packed with green, with fruits and water bottles.  I've only had a few drinks in the past month, and this no boozing policy made a giant difference.  I haven't felt this energized in awhile.

The other night, I was out with a friend and I was leaning against the door frame of my car when my friend went to shut the door -- but it shut on my damn hand.  Bounced right off.  I've been in incredible pain the past few days.  I was staying at a friend's house ❤ the other night, and he gave me some Motrin and an ice pack.  It helps, but the pain gravitates from hand up to my shoulder blade.  My boss helped me get an quick appointment to get an X-ray this morning and I have a small fracture in my thumb.  MS is funny, it can flare-up with the smallest thing.  Even though my body is fine, the fracture in my hand is making my hand seriously shaky, and nuts with pins and needles.

I was watching an interview with Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, who suffers from MS and cancer.  A reader recommended it to me (thanks Shawna).  I thought it was interesting she said MS is much more difficult to deal with than cancer.   I agree with her -- MS is unpredictable and has no treatments.  There isn't much known about MS as there is with cancer.  What do you guys think?

Spring break is going on in session, but work is going really well.  However, I'm trying to look for makeup jobs again now that I'm feeling better.  I didn't want my MS to damage my reputation, so I tried to duck out for a quick minute until I felt I was ready to have a steady hand to do it again.  I have a wedding coming up in two weeks I'm working, I'm sure I'll be busy during prom season and I've been talking with a salon by me to come in and do appointments.

And one last thing... It is legit awesome to have someone special there you care about and who cares just the same about you.  Someone you can talk about life, love and hardships with.  Someone to share your day with.  Someone to go to with bad news, with good news.  I've been missing that in my life for a long time, and it's really sweet to just sit back, relax and let the positive take over.  The things coming out of my mouth lately have been super corny, but I like it.  I'm fiercely loyal and protective.  When I truly care about someone, their happiness is a priority of mine.  I cannot see someone I care about in pain, or suffering in any way, because that makes me suffer as well.

you can lose sight of it all.
and the darkness inside you

I know can make you feel so small.

if this world makes you crazy,
and you've taken all you can bear,
you call me up.
because you know I'll be there.

The Night My Heart Broke

I used to write motivational quotes on the board every morning.

I have a story to tell. But there is one I need to talk about first because it was the scariest moment of my life.

My mom was on her way to visit me, so I decided to take a nap. Taking a nap in a hospital is near to impossible. Everyone and their mother come in every 15 minutes; vital signs, doctors, visitors, nurses, EVERYONE! However, it was a Saturday, so I was safe to take a nap for about 2 hours while I waited for my mom to come.

I remember hearing her walk into the room. I tried to wake up but I couldn’t. Feeling very drowsy, I just could not open my eyes. I knew something was wrong, so I pressed the nurse call button.

“What the hell did they give you, Natalie?!” my mom freaked.

I could barely lift my head. My mother ran out of the room. I could hear her screaming for help and I felt like I was slipping away. My heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating and I almost felt like I was dying. I say “almost” because I obviously never died before.

When you are in the hospital as often as I am, you learn the codes they announce over the loud speaker pretty quickly. Code grey: violence. Code blue: death. Rapid response: pre-code blue. And there was the announcement for me:

“Rapid response to 3 North rehab! Rapid response to 3 North rehab!”

Before I knew it, the crash cart, which is a giant blue cart that helps revive people close to death (like paddles) was in my room. They were setting up an IV in my arm quicker than you can say, “uh-oh”. And 20 people were in the room, all in my face, “Natalie?!” “Natalie are you with us?” “Natalie, do you know where you are?”

“Her heart rate is 168 and rising!”

And black. I don’t remember anything else.

The last thing I remember was my mother’s face on my right; looking at me as if it would be the last time she would see me alive.

Then I felt the strangest feeling… my hands, feet and legs felt hot. At one point, I had to check if I peed myself because my body was so warm. It was the life (or blood) coming back into my body. They had injected something called Nitro. It is given to people going through heart failure. It took a few hours for me to “come to it” but I made it out!

Here are some pictures from that night & day after (in no particular order)…


















Me two days later...

What NOT To Say With Someone Diagnosed With MS

...but you don't look sick.

...but everyone gets tired.

...maybe you are just having a bad day.

...are you drunk?!

...I wish I had time to take naps.

...only if you'd get out more.

...try to get more exercise!

...you don't know what pain really is.

...it can't be that bad, right?

...maybe it is all in your head!

...you're just stressed out.

...you're just depressed.

...I didn't invite you out because I thought you wouldn't be up for it.

...I stopped calling because I thought maybe you needed time alone.

...at least you have your health. (I love that one. Keep saying it to me and you won't have YOUR health!)

...just tough it out!

...at least you're not dying.



...like all things, this too, shall pass.

Redesigning A Real Pain Scale