While We're Young

I won't be live-blogging this one from the hospital, because every time I start to talk about it, I cry like a giant baby.  Plus, there is an insanely cute nurse on my rotation this morning... let's keep it cool, here, right?

As of right now, I'm waiting to go get a swallowing test.  I've done so many of these in my lifetime of MS.  Basically, they put you up against an x-ray machine and watch you eat radioactive food.  The doctors are able to see the way you swallow because everything in your mouth and throat looks likes Superman's gourds.   Doctors are believing the reason I get chronic pneumonia so much is the fact I'm not swallowing my foods right and the food is going down the wrong tube.  I could potentially die from this.

My MRI's came back, as well.  My brain is riddled with new lesions, as well as old lesions.  It's safe to say, my MS isn't getting any better.  My loving readers, my MS has been upgraded to Progressive.


For some reason, this hospitalization was different.  I've lost count over so many times, but I took a life at my, at my choices and I got this deep, dark sinking feeling that I've been wasting away the years of my health to... well, nothing.  As if I've been chasing my tail and getting absolutely nowhere.  I've had quite a few chances over the last few months to move, but I knew it would be a bad idea with maybe the worst roommates ever.  Now that I'm not on a lease living by myself and I'm taking a break from school, what a better time than now to make a run for it?

I'm happy, but I know I'm not giving it my all.  Whether it's plain laziness or fear of failure, goddammit, I will give this attempt 110% effort.

I was sinking right back into the place I tried to run from in my early 20's.  I didn't tell people I was sick.  I didn't tell friends I was in the hospital.  I didn't care -- this fight was my own to fight.  I have no right to be angry at others for it

After talks, and when I say "talks" - I mean crying blubs of mess - with my parents... they came to my help.  And after more talks with friends, I knew it would be a done deal by the 3rd night in the hospital at 2 a.m. looking at schools to transfer to, essays to write and check-lists to be done.

I never believed in running away from your problems.  I've always felt they'd come right back to haunt you if you conquer them in the first place.  However,  feel like me and Philly have ended our love affair a long time ago.  Like I've told the folks the other night; "I want to live somewhere no one knows I'm sick.  I want to be given a second chance in life like any normal girl should."



I think I at least deserve that.  I want the ability to live a life I haven't yet while I'm still young.

A Very Upstate Road Trip

SO! I'm back from my road trip. Made stops all over, saw friends, hung out with people I loved, and had a weekend of "firsts".



The other night, I was taken to a typical hipster bar, where I played $20 worth of music on a jukebox.  Boys were treating me like a shiny new toy (and I was like a kid in a candy store).   I was bought many, many, many, many drinks.  So many drinks were bought, in fact, that I lost count somewhere during those hours and didn't realize how hammered I was until I laid my head down on a pillow.  I wake up, I have a crap load of phone numbers in my phone with no names, or names completely misspelled because my hammered spelling isn't so great and a boat-load of new friend requests on Facebook.   I wake up with the worst hang over in the entire universe.

I wake up to dumb drunk texts to a large number of boys I've dated.  Booze is a terrible truth serum.   As a hard-ass, I don't trust talking about my feelings and I'm terrified of showing vulnerability.  So when I wake up to read text messages pouring out my most intimate feelings...?... yeah.

Boozy dancing on Friday

 I'm a drinker.  Not being big on beer, I stuck to hard alcohol the entire night.   From what I can remember, I had one cocktail, 7 vodka tonics and I can only remember 6 shots.  I was a boozy-nightmare mess, and I spend the entire next day ralphing (booze has never made me barf).
However, the other day, I did get the chance to get up close and personal with my first horse.   It took me about a half hour - forty minutes to warm up to this monster beast.  With little itty bitty baby steps, I approached this monster closer and closer until I was right next to it.  Listen, I would have rather of been riding a glass elevator to the 100th floor at that point.   A friend took my hand and gave me a horse brush -- the only thing I could think was, oh hell naw.  Getting into brushing the horse, I thought, hey this ain't so bad... until the damn horse made that horse-y noise and put it's monster long face into mine -- I am surprised my pants were dry.


And I've never been camping.  I'm a city girl -- I clutch my purse tight, I carry weapons, silence is a strange occurrence, I wear high heels because I can hail a cab at any time and the bugs I'm used to are roaches and centipedes.  Being in the deep woods does not sound like a good time to me.  I mean, the only time I'd think being in the deep woods would be fun if I were staying in a cabin (with electrical outlets and a toilet) with a significant other during a romantic getaway.  So, when I'm in the deep woods wearing TOMS shoes, with mud up to my ankles, spiders crawling on me, hearing snakes slither in the grass and being bit by a million bugs... it's not a good time.  I'm not a fan at all.  At one point, I saw people coming from the woods with flashlights and my automatic reaction was to RUN, BITCH, RUN because I thought it was the police breaking up the party.

The next night, I would check myself into a hotel room, and trade mud in for a jacuzzi.



Anyway, a lot happened the last few days and I'll update here and there about it.   The whole experience road-tripping is pretty hilarious.




This was from my boozy weekend, but I'm only posting now:


I always said I believed in you.  And with every kiss I resented you because your feelings never seemed to get in the way.  I dig down deep for forgiveness, but still you're always busy placing the blame.  This isn't about right or wrong now, not about wasted time.    No, my love, we can't be friends.    In fact I liked you much better when you'd just pretend.    You'd tell me the things you've never told a soul, the things that keep you up at night.   I always said I believed in you.  And I know that you never cared at all.   I just liked you better when you'd pretend.

A New Beginning

I received quite a few messages from my past post about the 7 Stages.  I wish there was something more I could do, I really do.

Some people could very well move past though stages with grace, and some might become stuck.  I know it took me a very, very long time to get through those stages and I'm still very much in the process of acceptance.  So yes, I get a lot of you... I try to.
 

The old me after a night of boozin' @ 24 yrs old

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had many many friends (but not really the friends you wanted to have), she lived life in the fast lane and never looked back.  The only thing I cared about what was happening in the present, which wasn't much at all, but at the time I thought life was pretty damn rad.  But it took me a long time to figure out that I'm not that person anymore (probably up until very recently too).

There came a point where I realized I had to start all over again -- new job, new school, new friends, new boyfriend, new everything.  I also realized that dealing with situations, loving someone, friendships, all of that I once thought I had a handle on would never be the same.  After my diagnosis, I had to re-learn everything all over again, like a newborn.  Old me would have dealt with situations by pretending they weren't there, drinking the problem away or doing stupid any immature kid at that age would.  So not only was I now older, I had extreme health issues.

Being in school again at my age is no picnic.  It's hard to make friends... am I expected to do keg stands with 22 year old kids?   And doing makeup, something I loved to do, was more difficult with symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.  I had to learn new techniques, I had to go to classes again and re-build my reputation because who wants an artist with an uneasy hand?

Most recent picture of me and my BFF Fio

And friends... well, true ones, of course.  I still know the people from the past, actually tried to resurrect them again somehow trying to build a mirage of my old former self.  In all honesty, I hang out with the same few people, people I truly love and consider real friends.  Sometimes I'll spend time with friends I haven't been so close with; a drinking buddy is more of a proper term I guess. Trying to make new friends in your mid-20's with a disease isn't so easy.  All the people I've known for most of my life had moved, "grown up" or couldn't handle me being in a wheelchair.  Like I was saying to someone earlier tonight... tons of people I know will write on my Facebook wall about how much they miss me.  It kind of irritates me, you know?  I'm not dead.  I didn't move 1,000 miles away.  Call a bitch up, yo.  Seriously.  You can't miss me that much if you can't use a phone.

And dating is just a disaster.  The first time I had my chance at it, my first gut-reaction was to pretend I was the girl I used to be in order to.... I don't know.... impress.  To make it look like I was like any other normal girl.  I said dumb shit.  I did crazy things.  Think of it this way -- you begin dating as a whole new you: new set of emotions, new set of goals, with a new personality.  I had a handle on my past relationships because I was comfortable with myself, I've had serious boyfriends before and at the time, they were successful... but now I'm different.  And even if the person you are with considers it 'games' (I hate that word), I understand you ladies.  To the way you handle a fight, to the way you show feelings, to the way you open yourself up to someone is all brand new territory.  We are all capable of crazy shit.  It's almost like you are entering in your very first relationship.

On the other hand, I'd still try to use those immature techniques I did when I thought I knew-it-all.  I remember once, I purposely started a fight just to see a reaction.  That's kiddie shit, that's shit I did when I was 23 years old.  Now, I knew very well I was doing it, although I didn't like doing it, I didn't want to do it, but up until that point... I had absolutely no lessons on healthy communication.  I'll always feel bad for Chunks in a way, because he met me at a time when I was re-building myself and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, behaving in a way I would never behave, a way even my own friends found foreign to see.  I put that guy through hell at times, and for what?  To try high and hell water to have him not see me as a 'sick girl'?  Luckily, I can learn and take away from that.

On the upside, I feel more confidant than ever.  I can honestly say I know what I want.  If in my heart I feel like what I'm doing is the wrong way to handle something, then now I know which way is right.  Do you understand?  I once had a fear the people I've grown close with wouldn't like the 'new' me.  They met the old one, ya know?  But these past few weeks have been incredibly amazing because it's the first time in years I have been able to be myself -- whether someone likes that or not.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

The 7 Stages Of Grief

Any Psych 101 student can explain to you the Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief.  Kübler-Ross added that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Her theory also holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in any particular order. The theory is that the reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them. Some people may get stuck in one stage.

__________________________..............__________________________

 

STAGE 1. SHOCK & DENIAL  (2006)
You will probably react to learning of illness with numbed disbelief.  You may deny the reality of the diagnosis at some level, in order to avoid the pain.  Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks, or in my case, years.  

A lot of friends and family would ask me, "why didn't you tell us sooner?", but in all honesty, it takes some time to accept the news on your own before having the time to tell others.  I always believed telling people your diagnosis was making it a reality.

STAGE 2. PAIN & GUILT  (2007)
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.  Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it.  

I turned to alcohol.  Some turn to drugs, others turn to casual sex.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or what you did to deserve it.  Life feels chaotic and unstable during this phase.  

I struggled daily with the thought of karma -- what did I do to deserve this?

STAGE 3. ANGER &BARGAINING  (2008)
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for diagnosis on someone else.  Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result.  Even though MS claims it's not hereditary, I felt as if my father done the damage (MS took the life of his sister's son; my cousin).  This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

STAGE 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS (2009 - 2010)
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you.  This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.  "Things could always be worse," people say.  During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your diagnosis.  

I isolated myself on purpose -- after my diagnosis, I swore of relationships for 5 years.  The most time I'd spend with someone was up to 3 weeks, and out the door I went.  I didn't feel worthy of a healthy relationship.  I felt damaged, unwanted and not needed.  I always focused on memories of the past.  I have never felt that truly lonely in my life during those years.

STAGE 5. THE UPWARD TURN (End of 2010 - 2011)
As you start to adjust to life with a diagnosis, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

I was sick -- I cannot change that, it is who I am.  Accept me as I am or not.

Make your diagnosis a positive attribute in your life, like I did when I started this blog two years ago.

STAGE 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH (2011 - NOW)
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life with a diagnosis.  You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life with health complications.

I started dating again, not looking for a serious relationship because I knew I wasn't ready, but I started dating to find company, just not casual sex/dating.  I would meet the first person I'd care about during this period, and even though it was shaky, I learned how to care again.  I would learn what it took to make a relationship healthy, since it had been almost 6 years.  I started opening up to people I cared about, sharing my thoughts and feelings with others.  And I started to love myself again. 

I also learned you could move a thousand miles away, find new friends or try to live a new life -- but you will never be happy, no matter where you are or who you are with, if you aren't happy with yourself.

STAGE 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE  (2012 - NOW)
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation.  Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness.  Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you may or may not return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy.  But you will find a way forward -- you will find a NEW you.

I feel ready to share my life with others, I feel ready to let love in and begin a healthy relationship.  I feel ready to show my life to someone I care about without the fear of them learning how damaged I had become because of my diagnosis.  Finally feeling carefree and able to relax again, I haven't felt this calm in years.  I'm finally happy again, with the new person I had become.

Even In Your Darkest Hour, I'll Stand By You

 "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.  We live in denial of what we do, even what we think.  We do this because we're afraid.  We fear we will not find love, and when we find it, we fear we'll lose it.  We fear that if we do not have love, we will be unhappy."

                                                                                              -- Richard Bach

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First and foremost, I want to thank my readers who donated.  Me and my family were able to pay a huge bill for my rehab back in November.  We appreciate it so much, and when I showed my mom the amount in PayPal, she cried happy tears.  So, thank you so much for being awesome!


Second, I started this blog a little over two years ago.  I follow many blogs from authors who are sick, but no one really went into detail about what life is like actually being sick.  And even though we are all different in our own right, we have one thing in common; our health.  I can write a million entries about case studies, cures, but I want disease to have a face.  Through reader's submissions, through stories of my daily life -- I want the disease to have a face, a story, a human being behind it.

_______________________________________________

I've been eating super healthy, which is a big deal in my life because I just don't cook.  My fridge has been packed with green, with fruits and water bottles.  I've only had a few drinks in the past month, and this no boozing policy made a giant difference.  I haven't felt this energized in awhile.

The other night, I was out with a friend and I was leaning against the door frame of my car when my friend went to shut the door -- but it shut on my damn hand.  Bounced right off.  I've been in incredible pain the past few days.  I was staying at a friend's house ❤ the other night, and he gave me some Motrin and an ice pack.  It helps, but the pain gravitates from hand up to my shoulder blade.  My boss helped me get an quick appointment to get an X-ray this morning and I have a small fracture in my thumb.  MS is funny, it can flare-up with the smallest thing.  Even though my body is fine, the fracture in my hand is making my hand seriously shaky, and nuts with pins and needles.

I was watching an interview with Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, who suffers from MS and cancer.  A reader recommended it to me (thanks Shawna).  I thought it was interesting she said MS is much more difficult to deal with than cancer.   I agree with her -- MS is unpredictable and has no treatments.  There isn't much known about MS as there is with cancer.  What do you guys think?

Spring break is going on in session, but work is going really well.  However, I'm trying to look for makeup jobs again now that I'm feeling better.  I didn't want my MS to damage my reputation, so I tried to duck out for a quick minute until I felt I was ready to have a steady hand to do it again.  I have a wedding coming up in two weeks I'm working, I'm sure I'll be busy during prom season and I've been talking with a salon by me to come in and do appointments.

And one last thing... It is legit awesome to have someone special there you care about and who cares just the same about you.  Someone you can talk about life, love and hardships with.  Someone to share your day with.  Someone to go to with bad news, with good news.  I've been missing that in my life for a long time, and it's really sweet to just sit back, relax and let the positive take over.  The things coming out of my mouth lately have been super corny, but I like it.  I'm fiercely loyal and protective.  When I truly care about someone, their happiness is a priority of mine.  I cannot see someone I care about in pain, or suffering in any way, because that makes me suffer as well.

you can lose sight of it all.
and the darkness inside you

I know can make you feel so small.

if this world makes you crazy,
and you've taken all you can bear,
you call me up.
because you know I'll be there.

Under Pressure

I always thought I had a handle on my diagnosis, or that I somehow came to terms with it a long time ago.  I knew what it was, I knew what I could and couldn't do about it, and I knew I had to learn how to juggle a normal life vs. not so normal.

But I'm starting to think that wasn't the case.  I kept thinking of the last post I wrote... I think I was living life pretending to be a normal girl just in general.  With everyone.  And with everything.  I think I kept on living the life I had 6 years ago, just hoping for the best.  Instead, I lost myself somewhere.  I started to over-analyze everything, becoming critical of everything I did because I think I knew deep down I wasn't being true to myself.  I wasn't being honest with myself.  And as soon as I thought I was actually being true to myself, guard doors came up and I refused to let anyone in.  Talk about scared and self-conscious, huh?


For awhile now, I've been under a lot pressure to do really well in school.  I think the more my family sees I do well, the more my health is nothing but an after-thought -- something that really isn't there.  And the more I played party girl or the social butterfly with acquaintances, the more they saw me as just as normal as they were.  Then I would play the same exact persona with some guy I was into, just by habit.  It made me do stupid and crazy shit -- I was acting like something I have never been before.

And there it was -- pressure.  The never-ending feeling that I couldn't relax and just enjoy the moment because I was constantly playing a role of what I perceived to be normal, or something everyone wanted.


It's been an interesting week, but I'm excited to see how everything plays out.  Even though being myself seemed so hard in the past, it's been a breath of fresh air.  I haven't felt this relaxed in ages.  And I'm not saying it's going to take a day, or a week... but finding yourself doesn't have to be a bad thing.

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

She'll be the same, just improved & with a bigger heart

I was talking to someone earlier about telling people about a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You see, MS is tricky – there is no cure, the treatment is not very reliable and not many people know what it is. But more importantly, when you are diagnosed, you need time to accept that diagnosis before you can tell other people.

And this is a great topic, because my anniversary is on Tuesday.

When I was first diagnosed, I lost my shit. I really had no idea what MS was and there were many times I sat in the rehab “rec room” to use their public computer and Google what I should expect. It took me awhile to accept that diagnosis, it took awhile to get over that initial shock and I was terrified about peoples’ reactions. You can really tell the bond between friendships when you are sick. I’m warning you now: some of the people you think may be there to support you, may not be there. When I was in the hospital back in November, the guy I lost my virginity to (and that old group of friends) was there and supported me every single day. Crazy, right? At the same time, you might become closer with those you didn’t think you would, like the example I just gave. When I really needed someone in the hospital, when I needed someone to hold my hand and just be there – it was one of my ex-boyfriends. We’ll always love each other. When I called him and told him what had happened, he drove right over. He pulled up a chair, made me laugh and watched television with me for hours.

When you are going to tell your friends about your diagnosis, start with those who have been through the worst with you. You will need someone to be there if you fall. Give the news some time; let everyone sink the information in. It can be a really beautiful thing when people begin to support you in ways they hadn’t before. And when you tell… let’s say a significant other or someone you are dating, I don’t know. I’m not an expert, clearly, on that. I’ve always found dropping, “hey, I have MS” a lot easier than saying “hey, I have cancer”. Think of it this way: if your partner leaves you because of your diagnosis, you did not need that person in your life. I don’t know about any of you, but I like my partners to feel like best friends. I want to feel able enough to go to them with anything and not feel like I’m being judged. If you have to question this, seriously re-evaluate. There might come a time when you are healthy for years and end up in a wheelchair down the road.

However, significant others are tricky too. You are going to hear questions like, “can you have children?” “is it contagious?”, or them re-word something nice with a bow but really mean “will I have to take care of you one day?” And sometimes you might get lucky. I recently dated a really great guy, who when I told him I had MS, he researched all about it later that night. When the next time I saw him, he knew so much about my condition, he felt really comfortable to talk to me about it. He read my blog; all of it. Some people are really compassionate and some people aren’t.

Bottom line is, it’s extremely difficult to tell the people you know you’re sick. It’s almost like making the disease real and come to life by everyone knowing. And sometimes, people may leave your life because of it. It’s an awful feeling. It’s one thing for someone to leave your life because you are a total asshole or doing something you can change about yourself, but it is another for someone to leave you because of something you can’t control.

There are always going to be issues down the line about telling someone your diagnosis. After my ex-boyfriend left me, it took a long time to trust someone again, but I eventually did. But it has made me a seriously greater person because of it. You are the ultimate kick ass fighter. I have a few friends that can’t piece themselves together after a break-up, drink and cry themselves into oblivion, and I have to wonder what they’d do if they had cancer. But you – you beautiful creature – you are a fighter. Everything you’ll do from now on will be more awesome. You’ll appreciate life more. You’ll appreciate the people in your life more. And you’ll know you’ll be able to conquer anything.

** I have been getting so many messages about me stopping my blog. Then I got one message, from a girl in New York, who told me she just had been diagnosed with cancer last month. She had been reading my blog to feel “as if she had a friend”. It broke my heart. Someone in my life once made a comment about my blog, about how he could never have time to manage one, let alone read it. It made me feel like shit, especially since my blog is about being sick. But I realize, I help people. I try to, at least. I have made really great friends because of my blog and connected them to other people in their situations. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. I work three jobs. I go to school part-time. Nothing in my life is more rewarding than speaking to all of you and knowing I might have helped at least one person because of my story.  And even though a lot of you have become totally immersed with my situation like it's Big and Carrie from Sex And the City (a few of you compared it to that - hilarious - I wish I had Carrie's shoe collection and Big is actually charming dreamboat) but I won't be talking about him.  Actually, I won't be talking about anyone I am romantically linked to, go on a date with or am interested in.  I mean, if I get married on Valentine's Day, I don't want my future husband to be like, "who the hell is Chunky Monkey?!"  Lately, I've lost "my fire" as a friend said.  Bottom line is, I don't want a relationship right now (I have work on myself first before I put "serious" energy into another person) but I want to enjoy company, I want to be romanced, I want to have fun on dates, I want to be cuddled with, I want to enjoy my new collection of lingerie, and I want to be smooched without all the hub-blub of something intense.  I want to be involved and have a little sweetness in my life without having to be COMPLETELY emotionally invested in something I know I can't put my 100% in at the moment.

The past year, I've been becoming closer with a lot of the people in my life and it's been a test for me.  I've always had a wall-up when it came to anyone close to me.  I've been so self-conscious about being so vulnerable, I forgot to enjoy life like I used to.  And because I've been so self-conscious, I've expected way too much from others to compensate for what I felt I lacked.  Like I told someone last night, I'm a Ferrari but I am acting like a Pinto.  I realize the old me wasn't the greatest person in the world, but that doesn't mean I have to completely change myself, which I thought I did.  I'm working on bringing the old Natalie back, even more awesome because this time around, I actually love myself, I love the people in my life and I love life.  Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived, not for everything to be so serious all of the time.  Thanks.

Atlantic City

White Russians, the beach at 4 a.m., roulette, random road trip.

My friend Fio is a beautiful human being. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Fio is so uncomplicated, so down to Earth, just being around her makes you feel all warm and gushy inside. I love her to death. She supports me and is truly a great influence on me. Her and her (now) fiance Jacob are amazing people, and one of those couples you're around where you stop and think, "I wish I had that." They make this cold heart beat. It's absolutely amazing how much more beautiful someone can be when in love.

Congrats, you two.

My friend Fio

I Like Cheese

Click photos to enlarge

My hair is getting long! Screw you, treatments!



p.s. Completely unrelated, but I think it's funny how the first ever post I wrote about Chunky Monkey is the number one read entry this month. (see right side column) You guys doing your homework?

It's A Happy Birthday

Surprise! At a surprise birthday party for my 24th.

I love this time of year.

With my car out front, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to get some test results back and a check-up post hospital stay. The only thing I worry about is me losing weight pretty rapidly. I go down a new jeans size every month.
It’s like a ghost town in my neighborhood. I’m probably the oldest person living on my block, or even the surrounding mile, so all the kids are going home to mom and dad for the holidays. Usually it’s busy with the sounds of kids who can’t handle their alcohol, doing some kind of damage to a really beautiful neighborhood. You have your college kids and post-college kids still living on that campus dream. Plus, I have these neighbors, directly across from me (literally, feet away), who have sex constantly with the window wide open. I’m so close to their window, I can tell you where her birthmarks are. Seriously? I can’t believe I only have 3 months left on my lease… less than that, really.

Then my birthday is Friday. I am at the point in life where people are starting to make old jokes on my behalf. That ain’t even fair. Having the best birthday plans I’ve had in years, I’m really excited. When I was a kid, I didn’t think I’d live this long. With all my health problems combined, I am super lucky and I am not complaining at all about turning 29 years old. But as the year comes to an end, I still feel like there is unfinished business. Though, as the clock hits midnight, I’ll have my kiss and start off with clean slate, like I do every year.

Readers, things are going really, really well on my end. Your loyal blogger is happy. I am going to post a video within the next few days, but I’m taking some time off to be with the people I care about most -- because that’s what the holidays are about. I think I'm going to start vlogging more, try to put a vlog up every Thursday (days I have off). See you soon!

PS: Can someone e-mail me the instructions on how to block certain IP addresses from my website? Thanks!

Nature Vs. Nuture

The nature versus nurture debate concerns the relative importance of an individual's innate qualities ("nature," i.e. nativism, or innatism) versus personal experiences ("nurture," i.e. empiricism or behaviorism) in determining or causing individual differences in physical and behavioral traits.

I’ve never realized how much the way one is raised effects the outcome of you. Growing up, I would pick certain characteristics of my family and swear, “I’d never be like that!” or “I’d never do that!” Now that I’m coming into my own, I am noticing so many similarities of things I do, towards things I swore to never do in the first place.

For instance, my family is a secretive bunch. No matter how close we are, we all keep secrets from each other. Whether it be my parents between one another, the kids between themselves or one against all; someone always had a secret. A few years ago, I tried doing that whole “family tree” thing on the Internet, to see what kind of background I came from… because like I said, my father never really talks about the background of his family. All I know is that he was born and raised in West Virginia. My dad was so nervous about it, as if I were going to find out things I shouldn’t know. Digging up my family tree upset him so much, I had to stop. This is not limited to small (or maybe big, I never will know) things, but secrets much bigger and probably is important to tell. I’m not about to air my family’s dirty laundry via blogger. My point being is, I always thought it was okay to hide things. I was taught that it is better to hide things from someone in order to protect them in some way. Not necessarily lie --- like, if I saw momma kissing Santa Claus under the tree, I better not tell dad because I don’t want to hurt him kind of hiding. Better yet, sometimes was best I kept my health issues under wraps, I guess to keep some kind of perfect-healthy-family stigma. I was also taught it's not very good to put your problems (aka health) on other people... it depresses them, makes them sad.

I love my family, no doubt. They raised me very well, and I’m sure any family has their faults. No one is perfect. This is also why having children of my own scare me; will I raise them right? My family has taught me to be loyal, to protect and to appreciate life. However, keeping secrets, or even hiding things, is not healthy.

Even though I write a very public blog, there are things I keep to myself. There are a million and one reasons as of why. I just literally typed a few reasons why and when I read them back, they all sounded stupid.

Readers; there is nothing embarrassing, scary or shameful about being sick. Whether you have MS, leukemia, cancer… you are still here and fighting it. It doesn’t matter what family, friends, boyfriends or girlfriends think; what you think of yourself and how you handle it is what matters. You may think you are protecting yourself, or someone else from the news, but it just does more damage in the long run. If you aren’t being open and honest, you aren’t being very honest with yourself.

A Sweet Release

What an intense month.

I've lost someone very close to me.


Life is too precious to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe things happen for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. Your karma, the universe, the cosmos; something is trying to change your life and give you a sign. If it changes your life, let it. I've learned the meaning of effort. I've learned the meaning of love and respect. I have learned that there is never ever anything to lose, but to gain. And I've learned how to welcome the good.

I never said life would be easy, I have just promised myself it would be worth it. And from here on out, I know I have a second chance at doing things right. You will never be able to move on if you let your past anchor you down. And never let the people who have hurt you win.

A Second Chance

For the first time in 28 years, I am alive. Every breath I take is a reminder of how appreciative I should be. I am in control of my life, for the first time in 28 years. Any destructive lifestyle I may have lived is in the past. I want to feel pain, happiness, loss, love, and faith. I want to kiss. I want to love. I want to be a friend. I want to be inspired. I don't ever want to hold myself back. I want to live life with a love I have never felt before.



Friendship is true blue. Every friend is a mirror of yourself, a look into what kind of person you are. Friends are a mirror of your character, of what kind of person you want to be. Take a good look at whom you claim your loyalty to. They should inspire you; they should make you want to be a better person. Friends should encourage you to lead an amazing life, give you faith and a newfound hope. They are your safety net – no matter how high you feel like you are about to fall. Do you want to be a good person? Surround yourself with good people.



Relationships are a partnership. When you're in a relationship, even if nothing else in your life is right, you should feel like your whole world is complete. I want to appreciate and I want to be appreciated. Life is fucking fantastic, but even more fantastic when you have someone to share it with. Relationships should not take hard work; this should come naturally. Enough of jealousy and realize trust is enough; trust is the foundation of any relationship. Trust, faith, compromise and love with every single muscle you have in your body. Love is unselfish. Love is the ultimate act of knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other. Love trusts someone enough to tell them everything about you, including the things you might be ashamed of or even scared to tell them. Love has no games, no rules, and no time – only a face, a face of someone worth every ounce of effort left in you.







Life, you are on my radar now. I am ready. I want to live you to your fullest. I want to experience all that I have taken granted for. I will never complain about you again. My breathing is a gift. My life is my canvas. And what I decide to do with it should be a masterpiece.

The Key To Change Is To Let Go Of Fear

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m staying the night at my parent’s house. Hearing them sleeping, feeling their comfort of having their daughter safe at home brings pleasure like eating a fresh baked cookie.
When I see them, I don’t just see parents, I see my lifeline and my strength in form. I would not be where I am today without them. When all was lost, when all was lonely, my parents were there. And I will return the favor for them. (My mother plans on writing a post for my blog, fyi!)

I don’t feel old – I feel matured. No longer “dating”, I am holding out for someone worth my time. It’s time to settle down and find someone worthy of what I have inside me. I have a lot to give. In easier words; a mature relationship. I no longer feel the need to fit in or mold myself to please others. People come and go, but the few I have are priceless. Friendship is no longer about competition, jealousy or drama. Revenge is no longer about getting someone “back”, but rather letting it go. It does not deserve the effort.

Love has a new feeling, a new definition. Love is absolutely beautiful. There is a world of endless possibility. There is no such thing as a leader, but a partnership. Not even the best scientist in the world could define that deep connection between two people. Seeing my parents is like Christmas morning. Hearing my best friend Monica on the phone always makes my day better.

I also don’t feel disabled. Having been in a wheelchair has given me patience, newfound happiness and a softer landing for being let down. When you are at your lowest of low points, there is no way to go but up. I know I have a disease that has no cure, but life is life and it doesn’t define who I am. Some of the strongest people I’ve had the pleasure to meet have disabilities. They are an amazing group of people – you all are.

Fitter Happier

“Look into the depths of your own soul and learn first to know yourself, then you will understand why this illness was bound to come upon you and perhaps you will thenceforth avoid falling ill.” Sigmund Freud

The size of your house, the amount of clothes, the number of friends, the thickness of your wallet, the design of your car – these all do not matter.
Rich is the love and support from family, the true blue of friendship, the self-confidence and respect for yourself, and the ability to live and learn from experience.

Things, material or otherwise, are not worth having without the effort of achieving them. Things, are much more sweeter when blood, sweat and tears have been put forth towards having things.

Waiting for things to happen is the equivalent to counting the hours of each day. Instead, make each hours of that day count. Make them memorable and worthy of being framed and hammered into a wall, so you will be able to look back and say “I’ve been there, done that and I had a fantastic time doing it.”

Stop being in a constant state of unconsciousness.

And I'm Feeling Good

Miranda (L), Me (R)

My friend Miranda and I participated in the MS Walk a few weeks ago. We walked a little over 8 miles and raised $715 combined. It was a wonderful day, and I knew I would be emotional. The theme of the walk was MS = ____. For example, one person said, “MS = not being able to hold my grandchildren.” Mine was “MS = losing everything, then starting over again.”

I’ve also been in the process of moving to Philadelphia in my own apartment, so that I can be closer to school. Living by myself is taking some getting used to, but I absolutely love my apartment, especially the neighborhood. The only downside is I live in a college neighborhood and the kids can get noisy on the weekends.

I’m lucky to be able to walk or ride my bike around town without any complications, and I treasure each day that I can.

p.s. My mom is very sick right now and in a lot of pain. Keep her in your thoughts!

What NOT To Say With Someone Diagnosed With MS

...but you don't look sick.

...but everyone gets tired.

...maybe you are just having a bad day.

...are you drunk?!

...I wish I had time to take naps.

...only if you'd get out more.

...try to get more exercise!

...you don't know what pain really is.

...it can't be that bad, right?

...maybe it is all in your head!

...you're just stressed out.

...you're just depressed.

...I didn't invite you out because I thought you wouldn't be up for it.

...I stopped calling because I thought maybe you needed time alone.

...at least you have your health. (I love that one. Keep saying it to me and you won't have YOUR health!)

...just tough it out!

...at least you're not dying.



...like all things, this too, shall pass.

Falling In Love

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

I guess everyone has his or her own definition for the meaning of life. I also think it differs with age. Hell, when I was just a kid, I just wanted to have fun. Time clicks by, wrinkles start to show, relationships come and go, people you know start to die, friends get married and have children, you become responsible for not only your life, but another. Then the feeling sets in; what is the meaning of it all? I think most of us want the same thing -- happiness.

Probably every psychologist has reasoned that people fear death most. I feel people fear death because the feeling of wasted time, not using your time on Earth wisely, or having regret before death. It could take years for someone to find his or her sense of purpose. I’m lucky enough to have reached it now.

It all started when I started talking, just talking, with other young women with this disease. They didn’t feel so alone anymore. Then, I started volunteering for the MS Society, which led to me doing fund-raising. Eventually, I’m walking or running marathons for MS. It’s not for me… well some of it is. I honestly want some brilliant brain to find the cure so no one else has to endure such an unpredictable disease.

So how did I come to be so unbelievably happy? It’s not like I have the greatest job on the planet, money coming out of my eyeballs, a sweet husband or darling children. Having a boyfriend doesn't equal happiness. Living in a fantastic apartment, nice clothes, or a great job -- it's all on the surface. I started to respect myself. I make goals, no matter how difficult, and I try my best to accomplish them. I left behind relationships that pulled me under and people who I couldn’t be myself around. I realized that I deserve the best. When you are finally at the point of loving yourself for who you are, you will then finally feel that settling is not an option – you deserve the absolute best in life. It doesn’t come wrapped in a box with a bow; it takes time to work at it. Maybe you’ll wake up one morning and feel this way, or maybe you’ll go through a trauma forcing you to face the reality of finding self purpose like I have.

Be happy that you are alive, having the cards in the deck lain out and it is up to you how to play them. Make changes. Improve yourself. Believe nothing is impossible. And most importantly, once you love yourself, start to share that love with others.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my 5-year anniversary of my diagnosis.

I was accepted to two Universities simultaneously over the weekend – without any interviews. A part of me likes to think that this may have been on purpose. In my entrance essays, I wrote about my journey with Multiple Sclerosis and how I was diagnosed on Valentine’s Day. Their timing couldn't have been any more perfect, or ironic. I have to admit, in both essays, I wrote something like, "while in a wheelchair, I dreamed of going to ___ University" (I changed the name in both essays, of course). Maybe this was their way of showing me some love.

Who knows?


I came home from work to find two huge packets from both colleges. Nervous as I could be, I tore open the first package and dug through until I found the letter from the Dean; a double “Congratulations!”

After crying for almost an hour, this overwhelming sense of purpose and relief came over me. It’s like working your hardest for a goal that almost seems impossible, to only have it come true. Five years ago, I thought life was over, I thought things were hopeless. Now, my future is infinite of opportunities. Here I am, exactly where I was dreaming to be 5-years ago. The next step: finding an apartment close to school. Hopefully somewhere that's not scary, an apartment where I don't have to sleep with an uzi under the bed. Are there ninja classes I can take?


So, I’m not sad about today. I’m not exactly celebrating it neither. To me, it is only a milestone in the future I have completely mapped out for myself while I sat for months in rehab. Hard work and patience do pay off.

P.S... Please donate to my Walk for MS team. And if you would like to join in, just click the join our team button! Donations will help find a cure. I'd like to live a long and very awesome life. Donate here!

Welcome To Your Life

“Something is different about you, Natalie,” my mother and father say almost on a daily basis.

I feel different, too. Almost like I woke up one morning and my view on everything had changed.
I’ve been planning my walk for the MS Society in May; handing out brochures, posters and awareness pins. So far, my walking group has reached over our goal of $300. Without my friends and family, I don’t think I would be where I am today, and I am honored to be walking with them.

Feeling the benefits of charity, I have also joined the Big Brothers and Sisters of America. Even though I haven’t been set up with my ‘little sister’ yet (I asked to be paired with a girl who is disabled), I’m excited to be making an impact on youth.

A huge check came in my name last month (I have a job on a hit television show), and I was able to pay off my debts. Instead of going out, buying a dozen pairs of high heels and having a shopping spree, I decided to pay off all my debts. I am happy to announce that I have absolutely no debt.

Watching my best friend Astrid falling for my very good friend Dave is having an affect on me. Why am I still single? I am patient. Not everyone out there is meant for you, but once in awhile, someone comes along and makes your day a little bit better. However, I need to work on myself. I have too much respect for myself to involve myself in any toxic relationships. My focus has been on nothing but school, charity, family and friends. For years, I’ve had problems with relationships. I felt as something was missing, but now I know what it was -- me. I needed to be happy with myself before I could become happy with anyone else.

I’m at the point right now where I am comfortable being with myself and I don’t need a relationship to validate that. After all of the bad dates, crazy boyfriends and not so wonderful friendships, I finally know what true love is -- and I have it within myself.

I feel content. I feel like I've found my purpose.


“There are great things in store for you in your future, Natalie. I feel like your life is just beginning,” my mother said with a smile.

So when I ask my parents, “what is so different about me”, their response is, “you’ve grown up.”


Please donate to our MSWalk group -- we need all of the support we can get.
Donate here!