This Is A High Speed Roller Coaster, With Sharp Turns And Sudden Stops

This might be my last blog post for a little while (I am writing this one from class). My schedule is going to be very hectic and I won’t have much time to sleep, let alone write on Blogger.

I’ve been happy. Honestly cannot remember the last time I have been this relaxed and cool as a cucumber.

Before I begin, I want to clarify that I am a very loving and forgiving person. I don’t like conflict and I definitely don’t like drama. However, when people come into my life and offer nothing but trouble, there is nothing else I can do other than say goodbye – especially now. It is time to be selfish. If there is a situation or a person in my life that offers me nothing but pain and grief, I have no other option than to leave it behind. It is what it is. I’m a sensitive person, and outside forces effect me quite deeply. If you stick around positive, you feel positive.

Been thinking a lot this week about where I am now. If you told me in the beginning of this year I would be living where I am, doing what I’m doing and spending time with the people I’m spending time with; I’d think you are crazy. When I first decided to move to my apartment now, I made it a plan to work, go to school and carry on. I didn’t move here to make friends, have a ton of fun on the side or meet someone I have an awesome connection with. My priority was all work and no play.

But if I have learned anything important this year, it is that timing is everything. Friendships that have formed and bonded over 10+ years can fizz out. New acquaintances become closer and on their way to a better friendship. Sometimes feelings that were lost can be found again. Everything eventually has their way of working things out, and even if you don’t like the result, it may just be for the better.

More importantly, give into what is instead of what could or should be. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing too much, or too little. Just enjoy the ride and stop thinking too much -- you'll miss the best parts.

A Very Upstate Road Trip

SO! I'm back from my road trip. Made stops all over, saw friends, hung out with people I loved, and had a weekend of "firsts".



The other night, I was taken to a typical hipster bar, where I played $20 worth of music on a jukebox.  Boys were treating me like a shiny new toy (and I was like a kid in a candy store).   I was bought many, many, many, many drinks.  So many drinks were bought, in fact, that I lost count somewhere during those hours and didn't realize how hammered I was until I laid my head down on a pillow.  I wake up, I have a crap load of phone numbers in my phone with no names, or names completely misspelled because my hammered spelling isn't so great and a boat-load of new friend requests on Facebook.   I wake up with the worst hang over in the entire universe.

I wake up to dumb drunk texts to a large number of boys I've dated.  Booze is a terrible truth serum.   As a hard-ass, I don't trust talking about my feelings and I'm terrified of showing vulnerability.  So when I wake up to read text messages pouring out my most intimate feelings...?... yeah.

Boozy dancing on Friday

 I'm a drinker.  Not being big on beer, I stuck to hard alcohol the entire night.   From what I can remember, I had one cocktail, 7 vodka tonics and I can only remember 6 shots.  I was a boozy-nightmare mess, and I spend the entire next day ralphing (booze has never made me barf).
However, the other day, I did get the chance to get up close and personal with my first horse.   It took me about a half hour - forty minutes to warm up to this monster beast.  With little itty bitty baby steps, I approached this monster closer and closer until I was right next to it.  Listen, I would have rather of been riding a glass elevator to the 100th floor at that point.   A friend took my hand and gave me a horse brush -- the only thing I could think was, oh hell naw.  Getting into brushing the horse, I thought, hey this ain't so bad... until the damn horse made that horse-y noise and put it's monster long face into mine -- I am surprised my pants were dry.


And I've never been camping.  I'm a city girl -- I clutch my purse tight, I carry weapons, silence is a strange occurrence, I wear high heels because I can hail a cab at any time and the bugs I'm used to are roaches and centipedes.  Being in the deep woods does not sound like a good time to me.  I mean, the only time I'd think being in the deep woods would be fun if I were staying in a cabin (with electrical outlets and a toilet) with a significant other during a romantic getaway.  So, when I'm in the deep woods wearing TOMS shoes, with mud up to my ankles, spiders crawling on me, hearing snakes slither in the grass and being bit by a million bugs... it's not a good time.  I'm not a fan at all.  At one point, I saw people coming from the woods with flashlights and my automatic reaction was to RUN, BITCH, RUN because I thought it was the police breaking up the party.

The next night, I would check myself into a hotel room, and trade mud in for a jacuzzi.



Anyway, a lot happened the last few days and I'll update here and there about it.   The whole experience road-tripping is pretty hilarious.




This was from my boozy weekend, but I'm only posting now:


I always said I believed in you.  And with every kiss I resented you because your feelings never seemed to get in the way.  I dig down deep for forgiveness, but still you're always busy placing the blame.  This isn't about right or wrong now, not about wasted time.    No, my love, we can't be friends.    In fact I liked you much better when you'd just pretend.    You'd tell me the things you've never told a soul, the things that keep you up at night.   I always said I believed in you.  And I know that you never cared at all.   I just liked you better when you'd pretend.

Satisfaction

Saw this movie, Take This Waltz, about a young couple (Seth Rogan & Michelle Williams), in love.. but not madly in love.  He's everything you'd want in the perfect HUSBAND; caring, loving, endearing and understanding.  In one of the sweetest scenes of the movie, her husband (Lou) tells his wife (Margot) he would be around when she's old, gray and on her death bed.  And Margot, the wife played by Williams, is being lured by the greener grass.

Margot & her new beefcake

She mentions earlier in the movie how she's terrified of connections at airports -- missing the connection, where to go, what to do, how to do it, how to get there... In reality, what Margot is really terrified about is missing something, and afraid of being afraid.

 Here we meet some beefcake who sweeps her off her feet, when he just really represents exactly what she's afraid of.  She fully well knows how phenomenal her husband is, right?  But she feels as if something's missing. 


During a conversation with an older lady giving our girl (suffering from grass is greener syndrome) advice, the older lady says:

                 What's new will always turn old, 
                       and what's old was always once new.


So, Margot leaves her awesome husband for a beefcake.  Time goes by, and her new beefcake becomes an old beefcake... only to feel the same feeling she did with her awesome husband.  She then realizes, she's spent most of her life trying to fill something, fill an empty space.

Margot & Lou

Truth is, there will always be an empty space in life, something that feels missing, something a little off.  And I feel like we live in a way where we interpret the feeling of something missing to be that something is actually wrong, and needs to be fixed, or can be fixed.  And maybe sometimes that never ending feeling of never feeling quite satisfied is wrong, but what many fail to realize that the something missing is usually inside themselves, and not their outer forces (like a husband, girlfriend, job, family... you get it).

I feel as if I've been in Margot's shoes a long, long time.  Always feeling the need that the gap has to be filled, or even can be filled, has left me restless.  Or maybe my health problems has left me constantly trying to compensate for it, trying to be normal or appear to be normal.  For instance, if work, school, and friends were going well... I felt as if I needed love in my life to bring everything into fruition.  Or... in order to appear as a normal woman, I needed a man to have myself say, "look!  I'm sick and I can have normality just like you!"


Life always has a gap in it... don't go crazy trying to fill it.

Update On Dad

My dad is doing so, so, so very much better.  I am beyond proud of him for the progress he's made thus far with his recovery from open-heart surgery.  He's home now, with my mother.  Let me just say, I think the hospital made a major mistake by releasing him so early (I was told he would be there for awhile), though there is a nurse coming to their house every day.  I saw my dad last night, and there is more color in his face, but he looks beaten down.  I love that man -- I'd fight wars for that man.

He lifted up his shirt and said, "Nattie, want to see it?"
A huge vertical scar was still healing on his chest.  He was covered with bruises and bandages.
"Chicks dig scars, dad!," I tell him.

Thank you for all your support!

I Love The Smell Of A Church

Today, I was inside a church for the first time in 15 years.  I was born and raised Catholic -- went to Catholic school, have a Confirmation name (Cecilia), went to church every Sunday and celebrated all the religious holidays.  There came a point where I became really angry with God and denounced the church after my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  I remember one day, a priest came in to pray with me and I took out my anger on him.  I felt betrayed and abandoned by my own religion, the religion I had followed loyally since I was born.

Me & my dad, going to Sunday church in Philly

My beliefs as an adult have never revolved around "God".  I do, however, believe in a Higher being, whomever that may be.  I don't believe you have to show your worship at a church.  If God is truly omnipresent, He will hear me no matter where I am.   Do I believe in a Heaven?  I'm not sure.  I do believe our bodies become one with the Earth, whether it is a body or ash, we become one with water, with ground and with air.  When I coded a few months ago in the hospital after suffering from pneumonia, I do believe I experienced death.  A medical explanation will tell you when the body begins to die, endorphins are released to the brain, which would explain why I felt so incredibly happy during those moments before they brought me back.

So today, I went into the hospital's chapel, dipped two fingers into the blessed cup, made the sign of the cross and knelt down on a pew. 

I said:  Listen up... I know me and you haven't always seen eye to eye, and I know I've done things that would consider me going to Hell in every religion, but I need your help.  I need your help very badly.  My father, who shows no shame telling everyone I'm his favorite, my father who suffered since I was 11 years old, an 11 year old with health problems, my father who works so damn (sorry God) bad... he needs your help too. 

My dad is worse than the doctors originally thought.  He will need open heart, triple by-pass surgery.  I am trying to be as positive as I can in this situation, especially for my family.  And all of this has brought our family closer.  I worry most about my mother.  They've been together for 40 years -- my dad is all my mother has ever known.  So, I don't know what to do other than to be her rock.

Friends, readers... I need you.  I have to emotionally support a very big family, but I don't have any support for myself.  I am beside myself -- my father is the most important person in my life.  I have no idea what I would do if something bad happens.  It will literally break me.

A New Beginning

I received quite a few messages from my past post about the 7 Stages.  I wish there was something more I could do, I really do.

Some people could very well move past though stages with grace, and some might become stuck.  I know it took me a very, very long time to get through those stages and I'm still very much in the process of acceptance.  So yes, I get a lot of you... I try to.
 

The old me after a night of boozin' @ 24 yrs old

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had many many friends (but not really the friends you wanted to have), she lived life in the fast lane and never looked back.  The only thing I cared about what was happening in the present, which wasn't much at all, but at the time I thought life was pretty damn rad.  But it took me a long time to figure out that I'm not that person anymore (probably up until very recently too).

There came a point where I realized I had to start all over again -- new job, new school, new friends, new boyfriend, new everything.  I also realized that dealing with situations, loving someone, friendships, all of that I once thought I had a handle on would never be the same.  After my diagnosis, I had to re-learn everything all over again, like a newborn.  Old me would have dealt with situations by pretending they weren't there, drinking the problem away or doing stupid any immature kid at that age would.  So not only was I now older, I had extreme health issues.

Being in school again at my age is no picnic.  It's hard to make friends... am I expected to do keg stands with 22 year old kids?   And doing makeup, something I loved to do, was more difficult with symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.  I had to learn new techniques, I had to go to classes again and re-build my reputation because who wants an artist with an uneasy hand?

Most recent picture of me and my BFF Fio

And friends... well, true ones, of course.  I still know the people from the past, actually tried to resurrect them again somehow trying to build a mirage of my old former self.  In all honesty, I hang out with the same few people, people I truly love and consider real friends.  Sometimes I'll spend time with friends I haven't been so close with; a drinking buddy is more of a proper term I guess. Trying to make new friends in your mid-20's with a disease isn't so easy.  All the people I've known for most of my life had moved, "grown up" or couldn't handle me being in a wheelchair.  Like I was saying to someone earlier tonight... tons of people I know will write on my Facebook wall about how much they miss me.  It kind of irritates me, you know?  I'm not dead.  I didn't move 1,000 miles away.  Call a bitch up, yo.  Seriously.  You can't miss me that much if you can't use a phone.

And dating is just a disaster.  The first time I had my chance at it, my first gut-reaction was to pretend I was the girl I used to be in order to.... I don't know.... impress.  To make it look like I was like any other normal girl.  I said dumb shit.  I did crazy things.  Think of it this way -- you begin dating as a whole new you: new set of emotions, new set of goals, with a new personality.  I had a handle on my past relationships because I was comfortable with myself, I've had serious boyfriends before and at the time, they were successful... but now I'm different.  And even if the person you are with considers it 'games' (I hate that word), I understand you ladies.  To the way you handle a fight, to the way you show feelings, to the way you open yourself up to someone is all brand new territory.  We are all capable of crazy shit.  It's almost like you are entering in your very first relationship.

On the other hand, I'd still try to use those immature techniques I did when I thought I knew-it-all.  I remember once, I purposely started a fight just to see a reaction.  That's kiddie shit, that's shit I did when I was 23 years old.  Now, I knew very well I was doing it, although I didn't like doing it, I didn't want to do it, but up until that point... I had absolutely no lessons on healthy communication.  I'll always feel bad for Chunks in a way, because he met me at a time when I was re-building myself and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, behaving in a way I would never behave, a way even my own friends found foreign to see.  I put that guy through hell at times, and for what?  To try high and hell water to have him not see me as a 'sick girl'?  Luckily, I can learn and take away from that.

On the upside, I feel more confidant than ever.  I can honestly say I know what I want.  If in my heart I feel like what I'm doing is the wrong way to handle something, then now I know which way is right.  Do you understand?  I once had a fear the people I've grown close with wouldn't like the 'new' me.  They met the old one, ya know?  But these past few weeks have been incredibly amazing because it's the first time in years I have been able to be myself -- whether someone likes that or not.

I wish you guys the best of luck.

Even In Your Darkest Hour, I'll Stand By You

 "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves.  We live in denial of what we do, even what we think.  We do this because we're afraid.  We fear we will not find love, and when we find it, we fear we'll lose it.  We fear that if we do not have love, we will be unhappy."

                                                                                              -- Richard Bach

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First and foremost, I want to thank my readers who donated.  Me and my family were able to pay a huge bill for my rehab back in November.  We appreciate it so much, and when I showed my mom the amount in PayPal, she cried happy tears.  So, thank you so much for being awesome!


Second, I started this blog a little over two years ago.  I follow many blogs from authors who are sick, but no one really went into detail about what life is like actually being sick.  And even though we are all different in our own right, we have one thing in common; our health.  I can write a million entries about case studies, cures, but I want disease to have a face.  Through reader's submissions, through stories of my daily life -- I want the disease to have a face, a story, a human being behind it.

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I've been eating super healthy, which is a big deal in my life because I just don't cook.  My fridge has been packed with green, with fruits and water bottles.  I've only had a few drinks in the past month, and this no boozing policy made a giant difference.  I haven't felt this energized in awhile.

The other night, I was out with a friend and I was leaning against the door frame of my car when my friend went to shut the door -- but it shut on my damn hand.  Bounced right off.  I've been in incredible pain the past few days.  I was staying at a friend's house ❤ the other night, and he gave me some Motrin and an ice pack.  It helps, but the pain gravitates from hand up to my shoulder blade.  My boss helped me get an quick appointment to get an X-ray this morning and I have a small fracture in my thumb.  MS is funny, it can flare-up with the smallest thing.  Even though my body is fine, the fracture in my hand is making my hand seriously shaky, and nuts with pins and needles.

I was watching an interview with Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, who suffers from MS and cancer.  A reader recommended it to me (thanks Shawna).  I thought it was interesting she said MS is much more difficult to deal with than cancer.   I agree with her -- MS is unpredictable and has no treatments.  There isn't much known about MS as there is with cancer.  What do you guys think?

Spring break is going on in session, but work is going really well.  However, I'm trying to look for makeup jobs again now that I'm feeling better.  I didn't want my MS to damage my reputation, so I tried to duck out for a quick minute until I felt I was ready to have a steady hand to do it again.  I have a wedding coming up in two weeks I'm working, I'm sure I'll be busy during prom season and I've been talking with a salon by me to come in and do appointments.

And one last thing... It is legit awesome to have someone special there you care about and who cares just the same about you.  Someone you can talk about life, love and hardships with.  Someone to share your day with.  Someone to go to with bad news, with good news.  I've been missing that in my life for a long time, and it's really sweet to just sit back, relax and let the positive take over.  The things coming out of my mouth lately have been super corny, but I like it.  I'm fiercely loyal and protective.  When I truly care about someone, their happiness is a priority of mine.  I cannot see someone I care about in pain, or suffering in any way, because that makes me suffer as well.

you can lose sight of it all.
and the darkness inside you

I know can make you feel so small.

if this world makes you crazy,
and you've taken all you can bear,
you call me up.
because you know I'll be there.

Chapter Two

I have video I'll put up soon from my doctor's appointment today.  Everything is in remission and I've got a clean bill of health!  Although, I gained a few pounds, but I think it's mostly muscle from jogging in the morning (or at least I hope it is, ha!).  I'm now at 144lbs.


I have a.. sorta?  date tonight.  We've been texting back and forth all day, stuff like, "oh my God I'm so excited!", "can't wait to see you!".  However, I won't be going into detail or writing about this very handsome man.  He's the crush I was talking about -- though, this crush stems back for many months and found out he's had feelings about me for a long time as well.  And wooo!, readers, let me tell you... he's a damn handsome man.  I only mention it now because it's the first time since my diagnosis of MS I've been truly honest and open with someone.  Like I've said before -- I'm super happy about it and really proud of myself.  And it's the first time in years a guy will actually get to know me, know who I really am and what my life is really about. 


Have any of you had similar experiences about pretending to have a semi-normal life?  Trying too hard in the name of hoping no one sees you as the sick friend?  Acting totally crazy because you're trying to be something you're not?  Send in a reader's submission!


Vlog coming soon.


We're calling this Chapter 2:  Doing It Right.

Denial Than Acceptance

I'm starting to think the past few months, my denial about what my life is really like spiraled me into situations I normally wouldn't have put myself in, or actions I normally wouldn't have done.  I'm a little embarrassed of myself but hey... live and learn.
Talking to that guy I like earlier... I told him I stayed in tonight because I was in pain.  My legs hurt.  I also said I have to get up early for a doctors appointment.  We had a long talk about everything I've been talking about here.  My attempts at normality, my attempts at trying to look my life was perfect in every way so no one would remember that I was sick in the first place.  Dammit, it felt good.  It felt good to finally tell the truth.  I can't wait to see how this plays out.

I'll be filming my doctor's appointment, by the way.

I haven't felt this much peace in years -- a peace with myself.  I've been so unsatisfied, so unhappy, playing games, doing too much acting... and now?  I feel like I'm free.  I'm finally free.  Good God, I haven't felt this good in so, so long.

A Giant Corny Crush

I'm high-school crushin' here.

I might have talked about the guy before, but I'm not going to go any more into it.  It's someone I used to hang out with, but it kind of got... interrupted?  Anyway, we always remained in touch and we've become really close lately.

I'm crushin' like giggling fits, re-reading a text 4 times over before you sent it out... but he has no idea I'm interested.  Maybe he does.  We text back and forth almost all day, which is huge because I'm not much of a text-er, but I seriously feel 12 when I hear that "beeeep!" from my cell phone.

However, this time I'm going to try something different.  If I'm too sick to go out that night, I'll tell him.  If he wants to know where I was Wednesday night, I was at a support group.  If he wants to know about my health, he'll know.  If he wants to meet Fio, he'll meet her... he'll meet my friends, and not 100 acquaintances.

If I want to get involved with someone, I want them to like me for who I really am and not appear to be.   There's no pretending to be normal here -- I am who I am, like it or not.  My life, my true life, will be open and waiting to be discovered and not a persona of a normal girl I wish I was (or the one I used to be).  I'm doing the exact opposite I did with Chunks... which is, I guess, being myself and not pretending someone I'm not.  I've had a lot of clarity to look back on things.  And although I know in my heart I'm over Chunks, and those feelings aren't there anymore, I'm not over what I've done.

And one last thing I'm going to do right:  be friends.  I want to get to know him and I want him to get to know the real me before all that smoochy-face stuff happens.  I want to see if a friendship can build a solid foundation.  Then, just let things fall into place and enjoy it for what it is.

Not looking for a relationship, but just someone to have an awesome time with.


I'm just... happy.  Having more clarity, my head is clear, my heart is full and I'm just happy.  For the first time in awhile, there is no seriousness, no drama, nothing bringing me down.  I wake up in the morning and I get EXCITED.  Crazy!  I was in a funk for the longest time.  Over analyzing everything,  over thinking everything, going stupid crazy worrying about shit that had absolutely no merit... and finally... FINALLY, I am able to just sit back and enjoy it.  And that's saying a lot.

So, I'm just going to be me.  I'm going to try to be a little more social at school.  I'm moving soon and I'll be meeting new people.  I'll make it a point to spend more time with friends.  I'm making sure I don't let a fog of booze take over my life, because I really want to enjoy life for what it is.  I feel like for months, I've been trying to solve a puzzle and I had no idea what the answer was, what I was doing wrong and why I wasn't satisfied.  I don't know how to explain it... but I feel awesome.

Dear Natalie

Dear Natalie,

the other day I went to check your blog to see if you did an update and I saw the last (and sadly, the only) post. I was very sad when I saw your video and I seriously cannot believe there are that many immature people out there. As I commented on one of your posts, I really do admire you, and you really inspire me! I don't have MS, or cancer, I'm just a regular 19 year old girl (only struggling with my weight)...
One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer last september, and I personally became even closer to her because of this... I cannot even imagine why people need to be so mean to others.
I totally did not plan what to write in this email, I just wanted to say that I still will support you even though you are not going to blog anymore.
Also, I think that you've been very brave in the first place to write your life, your feelings, everything in a blog. I like to think I got to know you in person, and even if it sounds creepy maybe I feel you were like a new internet friend to me kind of :)
Stay strong girl! Don't let stupid people put you down! :) They don't know who you are, how your life is, and most importantly they don't live in your own body so they will NEVER know how you feel if they don't experience it.
Hope I helped you a little. <3 I really felt soooooo sad when I saw your last video! I wanted to hug you but it's not even possible since you live in the US and I live in Italy...!
I send you a huge hug from overseas.
Much love!
xoxo
Susi

PS:Hope you answer this email :)

I'll do one better and reply to you via blog.  I get a few e-mails a day but this one really touched me.  You've really understood my reasoning for running this blog -- I wanted people like you to feel like they have a friend.  Whether you have Multiple Sclerosis, cancer, or just a cold, we all share something in common... we all need someone to relate to.  We all need to feel like we are not alone.  This world is cold and cruel -- but it doesn't have to be.

No matter how busy I've been in my life, I have always tried to update, no matter the time or location.  This blog started off with about 50 readers and now I have up to 1,400 followers.  Even though I've been going back and forth about the future of this blog, I'll continue updating.  I figured if I closed it down, it would be "oh well, time to find another blogger", but I've received an overwhelming amount of e-mails about how upsetting it is that I've decided to shut it down.  Even to the point of deleting (which I was able to restore, just in time).  I'm proud of what I have written; happy times and bad.


I want to say how of an incredible friend you are to stick by your friend like that.  She's going to need you and she's lucky to have a person like you in her life.  Words like yours get me through the tough days.  In my real life, it's extremely difficult for me to talk about my feelings.  My blog has been an outlet for that.  My friends read it.  My family reads it.  The people I date read it.  This blog is me; completely raw and unedited.  And this blog is completely dedicated to people like you.  I wish you the best of luck and love in your life.

Thank you all for reading and I hope to continue to bring my friendship into your lives as well.

Natalie xx

You Are Not Your Diagnosis

She'll be the same, just improved & with a bigger heart

I was talking to someone earlier about telling people about a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You see, MS is tricky – there is no cure, the treatment is not very reliable and not many people know what it is. But more importantly, when you are diagnosed, you need time to accept that diagnosis before you can tell other people.

And this is a great topic, because my anniversary is on Tuesday.

When I was first diagnosed, I lost my shit. I really had no idea what MS was and there were many times I sat in the rehab “rec room” to use their public computer and Google what I should expect. It took me awhile to accept that diagnosis, it took awhile to get over that initial shock and I was terrified about peoples’ reactions. You can really tell the bond between friendships when you are sick. I’m warning you now: some of the people you think may be there to support you, may not be there. When I was in the hospital back in November, the guy I lost my virginity to (and that old group of friends) was there and supported me every single day. Crazy, right? At the same time, you might become closer with those you didn’t think you would, like the example I just gave. When I really needed someone in the hospital, when I needed someone to hold my hand and just be there – it was one of my ex-boyfriends. We’ll always love each other. When I called him and told him what had happened, he drove right over. He pulled up a chair, made me laugh and watched television with me for hours.

When you are going to tell your friends about your diagnosis, start with those who have been through the worst with you. You will need someone to be there if you fall. Give the news some time; let everyone sink the information in. It can be a really beautiful thing when people begin to support you in ways they hadn’t before. And when you tell… let’s say a significant other or someone you are dating, I don’t know. I’m not an expert, clearly, on that. I’ve always found dropping, “hey, I have MS” a lot easier than saying “hey, I have cancer”. Think of it this way: if your partner leaves you because of your diagnosis, you did not need that person in your life. I don’t know about any of you, but I like my partners to feel like best friends. I want to feel able enough to go to them with anything and not feel like I’m being judged. If you have to question this, seriously re-evaluate. There might come a time when you are healthy for years and end up in a wheelchair down the road.

However, significant others are tricky too. You are going to hear questions like, “can you have children?” “is it contagious?”, or them re-word something nice with a bow but really mean “will I have to take care of you one day?” And sometimes you might get lucky. I recently dated a really great guy, who when I told him I had MS, he researched all about it later that night. When the next time I saw him, he knew so much about my condition, he felt really comfortable to talk to me about it. He read my blog; all of it. Some people are really compassionate and some people aren’t.

Bottom line is, it’s extremely difficult to tell the people you know you’re sick. It’s almost like making the disease real and come to life by everyone knowing. And sometimes, people may leave your life because of it. It’s an awful feeling. It’s one thing for someone to leave your life because you are a total asshole or doing something you can change about yourself, but it is another for someone to leave you because of something you can’t control.

There are always going to be issues down the line about telling someone your diagnosis. After my ex-boyfriend left me, it took a long time to trust someone again, but I eventually did. But it has made me a seriously greater person because of it. You are the ultimate kick ass fighter. I have a few friends that can’t piece themselves together after a break-up, drink and cry themselves into oblivion, and I have to wonder what they’d do if they had cancer. But you – you beautiful creature – you are a fighter. Everything you’ll do from now on will be more awesome. You’ll appreciate life more. You’ll appreciate the people in your life more. And you’ll know you’ll be able to conquer anything.

** I have been getting so many messages about me stopping my blog. Then I got one message, from a girl in New York, who told me she just had been diagnosed with cancer last month. She had been reading my blog to feel “as if she had a friend”. It broke my heart. Someone in my life once made a comment about my blog, about how he could never have time to manage one, let alone read it. It made me feel like shit, especially since my blog is about being sick. But I realize, I help people. I try to, at least. I have made really great friends because of my blog and connected them to other people in their situations. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. I work three jobs. I go to school part-time. Nothing in my life is more rewarding than speaking to all of you and knowing I might have helped at least one person because of my story.  And even though a lot of you have become totally immersed with my situation like it's Big and Carrie from Sex And the City (a few of you compared it to that - hilarious - I wish I had Carrie's shoe collection and Big is actually charming dreamboat) but I won't be talking about him.  Actually, I won't be talking about anyone I am romantically linked to, go on a date with or am interested in.  I mean, if I get married on Valentine's Day, I don't want my future husband to be like, "who the hell is Chunky Monkey?!"  Lately, I've lost "my fire" as a friend said.  Bottom line is, I don't want a relationship right now (I have work on myself first before I put "serious" energy into another person) but I want to enjoy company, I want to be romanced, I want to have fun on dates, I want to be cuddled with, I want to enjoy my new collection of lingerie, and I want to be smooched without all the hub-blub of something intense.  I want to be involved and have a little sweetness in my life without having to be COMPLETELY emotionally invested in something I know I can't put my 100% in at the moment.

The past year, I've been becoming closer with a lot of the people in my life and it's been a test for me.  I've always had a wall-up when it came to anyone close to me.  I've been so self-conscious about being so vulnerable, I forgot to enjoy life like I used to.  And because I've been so self-conscious, I've expected way too much from others to compensate for what I felt I lacked.  Like I told someone last night, I'm a Ferrari but I am acting like a Pinto.  I realize the old me wasn't the greatest person in the world, but that doesn't mean I have to completely change myself, which I thought I did.  I'm working on bringing the old Natalie back, even more awesome because this time around, I actually love myself, I love the people in my life and I love life.  Life is meant to be enjoyed and lived, not for everything to be so serious all of the time.  Thanks.

Atlantic City

White Russians, the beach at 4 a.m., roulette, random road trip.

My friend Fio is a beautiful human being. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. Fio is so uncomplicated, so down to Earth, just being around her makes you feel all warm and gushy inside. I love her to death. She supports me and is truly a great influence on me. Her and her (now) fiance Jacob are amazing people, and one of those couples you're around where you stop and think, "I wish I had that." They make this cold heart beat. It's absolutely amazing how much more beautiful someone can be when in love.

Congrats, you two.

My friend Fio

I Like Cheese

Click photos to enlarge

My hair is getting long! Screw you, treatments!



p.s. Completely unrelated, but I think it's funny how the first ever post I wrote about Chunky Monkey is the number one read entry this month. (see right side column) You guys doing your homework?

It's Like My Brain Is On Vacation

My life is full of awesome, kisses, hugs, high fives and excellence.


Click images to enlarge


Video chatting with my boo earlier this morning. I will wear red lipstick every day.


It's been a long time since my hair has been this long, and is currently reaching my shoulders. Now that my treatments are finished, I don't plan cutting my hair any time soon. So happy about this!

Also: I love going on dates. I love everything that comes before it and everything that happens after. I love getting pretty for a boy and that first reaction he gets when he first sees you all doll'ed up. I love that awkwardness during a date, when you really want to touch someone, and they really want to touch you, so you constantly find reasons to touch this person. I love being tickled. I love that high you get the following day. I love thinking of fun things to do. This sounds totally cheesy, but I really love cheese, too.

Relationships don't have to mean settling down.

Just find someone as wild as yourself to tear up life with.

I Have Left My Heart In So Many Places

I always think to myself when reading back on things I have written and said to people, that I am an idiot. Obviously though, I mean I am an idiot in the sense that in the grand scheme of things I know absolutely nothing. But, I also acknowledge that in being able to look back and recognize my growth, successes, and mistakes, it really spotlights that I am constantly evolving into a superior version of myself.

And I think that's really wonderful.


These shots I'm taking are kicking my ass. I take them before bed so I don't feel the side effects (and for any of you that actually know me, me and sleep are not friends). I woke up at 8 am, totally shivering, wearing a sweater, a hoodie, two pairs of socks, with the blanket over my head. Even though my apartment said it was 75 degrees, it felt 20. These flu-like symptoms are about as awesome as a booze-fueled fight with a boyfriend.


I'm a real ride or die chick. Doesn't take much to make me happy.

Life Is.......

PERFECTION. AWESOME. AMAZING.

I got my happy ending.

Two Thousand Twelve

NYE 2011

So, if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home.

Soon enough, we’ll all drink champagne and celebrate the New Year. However, it’s important to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. It’s a time to remember both our successes and mistakes, our promises made and broken, the people we’ve loved and lost. Stop and remember the times we opened ourselves up to great adventures and possibilities, or the times we’ve closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt because in all actuality, that is what new years is all about --- a second chance. We all have a second chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more and learn from our mistakes. Stop worrying about what if and start embracing what could be.

So when that ball drops at midnight, say goodbye to another year that’s passed and be open to what could be for a new year. We all have times we wish we could rewind time and do it over again, say something different or avoid it altogether. That is what the New Year is for; we have the ability to show what we’ve learned and change.


That said, if these past 2 weeks are any indication what 2012 will be like, I'm going to have an amazing year.


And last night? Holding hands and ice skating?
Then cuddle and kiss my brains out?
One of my favorite dates ever.

It's A Happy Birthday

Surprise! At a surprise birthday party for my 24th.

I love this time of year.

With my car out front, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to get some test results back and a check-up post hospital stay. The only thing I worry about is me losing weight pretty rapidly. I go down a new jeans size every month.
It’s like a ghost town in my neighborhood. I’m probably the oldest person living on my block, or even the surrounding mile, so all the kids are going home to mom and dad for the holidays. Usually it’s busy with the sounds of kids who can’t handle their alcohol, doing some kind of damage to a really beautiful neighborhood. You have your college kids and post-college kids still living on that campus dream. Plus, I have these neighbors, directly across from me (literally, feet away), who have sex constantly with the window wide open. I’m so close to their window, I can tell you where her birthmarks are. Seriously? I can’t believe I only have 3 months left on my lease… less than that, really.

Then my birthday is Friday. I am at the point in life where people are starting to make old jokes on my behalf. That ain’t even fair. Having the best birthday plans I’ve had in years, I’m really excited. When I was a kid, I didn’t think I’d live this long. With all my health problems combined, I am super lucky and I am not complaining at all about turning 29 years old. But as the year comes to an end, I still feel like there is unfinished business. Though, as the clock hits midnight, I’ll have my kiss and start off with clean slate, like I do every year.

Readers, things are going really, really well on my end. Your loyal blogger is happy. I am going to post a video within the next few days, but I’m taking some time off to be with the people I care about most -- because that’s what the holidays are about. I think I'm going to start vlogging more, try to put a vlog up every Thursday (days I have off). See you soon!

PS: Can someone e-mail me the instructions on how to block certain IP addresses from my website? Thanks!

Never, Never, Never Never Give Up

If you want to see a bigger picture, just click!



My heart monitors.



Astrid and I actually did my hair while I was in the hospital.



This was the gadget that was hooked up to my heart monitors on my chest. My heart rate was monitored 24/7



I had Heparin shots every few hours. They are blood thinner shots in the belly given to bed ridden patients to avoid blood clots. You can't really tell in this picture, but I had a million bruises on my belly (still do) and it made my belly so swollen.



This was my walker. When I did use it, I needed assistance... usually one or two people on either side holding me up. I couldn't feel where my feet were hitting the floor.



In the emergency room, day 1.



This was my bed in rehab. Notice the red pillows. My red hair dye would always bleed onto the pillow cases. Also, had the room to myself!



Me in my wheelchair. After I had the rapid response, I was hooked up to a heart monitor. My heart monitor was hooked up to a small box, and my heart rate was on display on screens throughout the cardio unit.



First time I was outside in weeks.






I always wore my Eagles gear when they played :)



My friend Rena, who I haven't seen in months came to visit all the way from Philly.



One of the quotes I would write daily on the morning board.






My mom got me the most beautiful flowers. My favorites: lilies and sunflowers!



Since I couldn't feel my legs, I always had them curled up. It was hard for me to lay in bed comfortably since the loss of sensation.



Since I had trouble swallowing, I was on strict eating rules. One pill at a time, supervised eating (I couldn't eat alone), thin liquids, and everything was chopped.






My speech therapist Shelly worked with me during my stay. I have problems with 'S', 'R', and 'P''s. I still have some issues with speaking; I slur.



This is Kristin. She was my CNA at Lourdes. I needed bathing stuff for my shower one night, so she brought in a whole bag full of fancy shampoos, soaps, a book to read, and nail polish. Ever since then, we've been BFF. Also, she looks like my twin and everyone thinks we are sisters.






I love this picture. My friend George took this picture of me after I walked my first 100 feet.



My first night in rehab.



My ankle kept turning while I walked. My therapist Katie (I miss you, Katie!) tried EVERYTHING to keep it straight. Well, this is called an air brace. It was one of the attempts until a AFO (ankle brace) was made for me.



Astrid took this picture of me to send a mass text to all of our friends. Pity party much?



This is me in my wheelchair. Just a shot of how the air cast held my ankle in place, because my foot/ankle flopped around like a dead fish without it.






This was the first time I was able to sit my legs up in bed!



Whenever my friends came to visit, we would play around... spin me in the wheelchair, have races, see how many of us can fit on a hospital bed (5), and just being silly.










This is my own wheelchair. It was built for me 5 years ago. All the dimensions were built to fit my size and frame.






Me + my dad. He never watched me during rehab, but came to visit once in awhile. He didn't like to see me like that. I love him to death, but I know he was always uncomfortable around me in the hospital.



I came into the hospital diagnosed with pneumonia. I'm pretty sure I got sick from a trip to Six Flags a few weeks before and didn't wear a jacket. I was sick for weeks, and it got worse, obviously to the point of pneumonia. I was on oxygen and taking breathing treatments for 2 weeks. I also was on IV antibiotics.






Astrid took this photo of me on my first day in the hospital. I was miserable, pissed I was in the hospital and sad about Monkey.







I had to use this overhead bar to adjust myself in bed. The core of my body was so weak, I couldn't sit up without leaning on something. It was as if I were a rag doll.






I had to fill out paperwork on who had medical control over my medical decisions and will. As of right now, my mother holds all rights to whatever happens to me if my condition worsens and I am unable to make decisions for myself.







I feel absolutely strong, happy + healthy. This past month has really changed me into a better person and I am grateful for it. I was on this whole "things happen for a reason" kick, but I have realized that they don't.

Things happen depending on you and you alone, not the cosmos. You control the beginning, the middle and the outcome. I was being lazy; I thought... if ___ happened for a reason, then I don't have to put much work into it. That wasn't the case. After everything that has happened the past few weeks, I've come to realize that I make things happen for a reason. Every single thing I do every day has a reason to it. I may meet someone, and it is up to me whether to make a reason out of him or her. It is all off our efforts and control on how we perceive the world and the people in it. I do, however, believe in experience. I believe all the hard work I've done learning to walk again has taught me that there is almost little to nothing I cannot do. I'm pretty much super woman. I've learned no matter how much I care about a friend, a boyfriend, or a stranger, they have taught me what I like and don't like (or want) about (or in) a person.

Friendships are work. Sometimes people change with age. Sometimes the friends we made 10 years ago are no longer the same people we know 10 years later. Sometimes these friendships are no longer compatible and at times, these friendships become distorted into jealousy, hate and revenge. Relationships are work. Imperfections are what makes someone perfect. But sometimes people expect too much. Others can't communicate. And a few are afraid of that work, yet soon forget with that work comes the reward of a great relationship. And me. Without some hard work, I would not be where I am today. It wasn't the cosmos, the universe or fate that got me here. I hustled hard. I based everything I knew on experience. Days, years from now, I will look back on people I've known, places I've been and things I have done and know which is right and which is wrong. Fate has no place in reality except in fairy tales. And bad romantic comedies.

Then, unfortunately there are the few who don't believe in work at all. Or once the work becomes too hard, they jump ship pretty damn quickly. They swim with the motions. I feel bad for them, only because nothing good comes from it. I've been there -- I've done that. I used to tell myself, "this was fate, this person came into my life for a reason. This thing has happened for a reason", but without that work, it became stagnant. It became my safety blanket because I was too scared of the future and too scared of the work that would have to come along with it.

Now, I know if I want something enough, if I love something enough, if I want something to happen enough, it will never keep me from working towards getting there.

I want a great job I enjoy going to every day, I want a good family unit, I want an awesome man who will be there for me when I need him most, and I want friends like Astrid: who came to the hospital to paint my toenails, do my hair and update everyone on my condition.

The people who came to visit me in the hospital were the people I LEAST expected to see and the people I really needed with me in the hospital were no where to be found.

The only thing I don't want is to be unhappy. And for the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like I have finally reached the point where I can smile without forcing it.

Thank you everyone for the support, the letters and the visits. I truly have great fantastic people in my life.