And I'm Feeling Good

Miranda (L), Me (R)

My friend Miranda and I participated in the MS Walk a few weeks ago. We walked a little over 8 miles and raised $715 combined. It was a wonderful day, and I knew I would be emotional. The theme of the walk was MS = ____. For example, one person said, “MS = not being able to hold my grandchildren.” Mine was “MS = losing everything, then starting over again.”

I’ve also been in the process of moving to Philadelphia in my own apartment, so that I can be closer to school. Living by myself is taking some getting used to, but I absolutely love my apartment, especially the neighborhood. The only downside is I live in a college neighborhood and the kids can get noisy on the weekends.

I’m lucky to be able to walk or ride my bike around town without any complications, and I treasure each day that I can.

p.s. My mom is very sick right now and in a lot of pain. Keep her in your thoughts!

Everything In It's Right Place

"The Persistence Of Memory" by Dali


I feel like I have a lot of personal work to do. Working as hard as I possibly can in school, I’m doing extremely well. The staff at Drexel is impressed with me, and that makes me feel a sense of accomplishment. I’m being placed into an excellent co-op program at a top hospital in Philadelphia, where I’ll be following doctors around with a clipboard. Best part – I get paid very well. I decided to stay with Drexel University, even though Temple did everything they could to tempt me to attend their school, but I thought that experience trumped what Temple had to offer.


My moving into my own place is going smoothly, even though my father is pulling every guilt trip possible to have me move back home and stay with him. My heart wants to, very much. The love I have for my parents is stronger than ever, especially with my father. We always had our differences. Plus, I’d be saving money if I lived at home. However, my head tells me moving on my own is the smartest decision. I’m 28 years old, I need to live on my own without relying on roommates, take responsibility and the thought of living closest to Drexel is something to look forward to.

On the upside, my mother is excited about it. She, too, wishes I would live with them in New Jersey, but she understands where I’m coming from. My mom has already started buying me little things here and there for an apartment I haven’t even rented out yet. We do have a real estate agent (a close friend of mine) who is helping us with the move, and it looks like I’ll be all by my lonesome starting May 15th. Not only will I be the first in my family to graduate from college, I’ve been on Dean’s List every semester, so you can see why my family is being so supportive. Part of my hard work in school is proof for my family that I am no longer a spoiled brat who takes advantage of her opportunities, but instead a woman who embraces and makes the best of the opportunities that come my way now.


Health update: A few months ago, I had an MRI that shown a lesion pressing against my spinal cord. The neurologist warned me that the lesion would eventually grow and start to show side effects. When I tilt my head down, my body feels like it’s stinging down to my fingertips and toes.

This time around, I’m more worried about my father. We went to the doctor on Thursday morning to review his blood results. Knowing I’m interested in medicine, the doctor spoke to me like a protege. I was the translator of doctor lingo between my father and Dr. Patel. His overdose from two years ago has given him liver damage. On top of that, his cholesterol is off the charts and is at high risk for a heart attack. I’m proud of my dad – he has thrown away all the junk food in the house, started replacing butter with substitutes, started eating healthy and gave up sugar. My father is a man whose ideal dinner is a big greasy piece of meat, with anything fried on the side. Now he’s shopping at Whole Foods.

We made a deal; he better live long enough to see me graduate Medical school.


I don’t think I would be where I am today without my diagnosis, as crazy as it sounds. I think sometimes it takes trauma for people to change; I’m definitely one of those people. When your life is undetermined, when your future is unclear, all because of one diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, you start to really push yourself to become a better person, and make a positive impact on those around you.

Falling In Love

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

I guess everyone has his or her own definition for the meaning of life. I also think it differs with age. Hell, when I was just a kid, I just wanted to have fun. Time clicks by, wrinkles start to show, relationships come and go, people you know start to die, friends get married and have children, you become responsible for not only your life, but another. Then the feeling sets in; what is the meaning of it all? I think most of us want the same thing -- happiness.

Probably every psychologist has reasoned that people fear death most. I feel people fear death because the feeling of wasted time, not using your time on Earth wisely, or having regret before death. It could take years for someone to find his or her sense of purpose. I’m lucky enough to have reached it now.

It all started when I started talking, just talking, with other young women with this disease. They didn’t feel so alone anymore. Then, I started volunteering for the MS Society, which led to me doing fund-raising. Eventually, I’m walking or running marathons for MS. It’s not for me… well some of it is. I honestly want some brilliant brain to find the cure so no one else has to endure such an unpredictable disease.

So how did I come to be so unbelievably happy? It’s not like I have the greatest job on the planet, money coming out of my eyeballs, a sweet husband or darling children. Having a boyfriend doesn't equal happiness. Living in a fantastic apartment, nice clothes, or a great job -- it's all on the surface. I started to respect myself. I make goals, no matter how difficult, and I try my best to accomplish them. I left behind relationships that pulled me under and people who I couldn’t be myself around. I realized that I deserve the best. When you are finally at the point of loving yourself for who you are, you will then finally feel that settling is not an option – you deserve the absolute best in life. It doesn’t come wrapped in a box with a bow; it takes time to work at it. Maybe you’ll wake up one morning and feel this way, or maybe you’ll go through a trauma forcing you to face the reality of finding self purpose like I have.

Be happy that you are alive, having the cards in the deck lain out and it is up to you how to play them. Make changes. Improve yourself. Believe nothing is impossible. And most importantly, once you love yourself, start to share that love with others.

Welcome To Your Life

“Something is different about you, Natalie,” my mother and father say almost on a daily basis.

I feel different, too. Almost like I woke up one morning and my view on everything had changed.
I’ve been planning my walk for the MS Society in May; handing out brochures, posters and awareness pins. So far, my walking group has reached over our goal of $300. Without my friends and family, I don’t think I would be where I am today, and I am honored to be walking with them.

Feeling the benefits of charity, I have also joined the Big Brothers and Sisters of America. Even though I haven’t been set up with my ‘little sister’ yet (I asked to be paired with a girl who is disabled), I’m excited to be making an impact on youth.

A huge check came in my name last month (I have a job on a hit television show), and I was able to pay off my debts. Instead of going out, buying a dozen pairs of high heels and having a shopping spree, I decided to pay off all my debts. I am happy to announce that I have absolutely no debt.

Watching my best friend Astrid falling for my very good friend Dave is having an affect on me. Why am I still single? I am patient. Not everyone out there is meant for you, but once in awhile, someone comes along and makes your day a little bit better. However, I need to work on myself. I have too much respect for myself to involve myself in any toxic relationships. My focus has been on nothing but school, charity, family and friends. For years, I’ve had problems with relationships. I felt as something was missing, but now I know what it was -- me. I needed to be happy with myself before I could become happy with anyone else.

I’m at the point right now where I am comfortable being with myself and I don’t need a relationship to validate that. After all of the bad dates, crazy boyfriends and not so wonderful friendships, I finally know what true love is -- and I have it within myself.

I feel content. I feel like I've found my purpose.


“There are great things in store for you in your future, Natalie. I feel like your life is just beginning,” my mother said with a smile.

So when I ask my parents, “what is so different about me”, their response is, “you’ve grown up.”


Please donate to our MSWalk group -- we need all of the support we can get.
Donate here!

Walking Expiration Date

Click image for larger size.

WalkMS

I will be walking for the MS Society May 1st at the Philadelphia Art Museum.

My team name is "Sunny With A Chance Of Clouds" (so you will all know who I am, I will be glad to meet some of my readers!)

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society will use funds collected from Walk MS to not only support research for a cure tomorrow, but also to provide programs which address the needs of people living with MS today. Because we choose to walk for those who sometimes can't, because we choose to donate to the MS Walk, we are getting closer to the hour when no one will have to hear the words, "You have MS."

Any donations are highly appreciated! Thank you so much!

HELP FIND THE CURE! --> Click here to donate :)

I Had A Bad Week.

A very close friend of mine passed away. While I was sick, she was one of the very few people that stuck around and I loved her for that. Her funeral was tonight.

While packing up her apartment, her death made me question my life and mortality. Sometimes I get jealous of the people that are able to wake up, be lazy and go hang out at bars without a worry in the world. This was me a few years ago.

I have no idea what will become of me. My health is erratic. The time when I lost sleep over it are long gone, but I don’t ever want to say, “I really wish I did that”.

So I made a deal with myself tonight –

I will try to eliminate “no” from my vocabulary. I’ll make plans, never break them. Have complete and total mind blowing fun, while becoming a family with friends. I will never doubt them. I will catch a bullet for them.

Surprise my parents. They believe my disability will hold me back. I will prove them wrong. I will continue public speaking, kicking college’s ass, and do as much possible charity I can. I will try to help people, inspire people. Prove them wrong.

I will stop giving a shit what people think of me. Their opinion doesn’t matter; it never did. I will do whatever I want, say whatever I want, whenever I want.

When I meet someone, I will not be awkward or sabotage myself because I believe it will fail. I will not worry that I’m different from other girls and my lifestyle with MS makes some things intimidating. I will no longer lie to guys and say, “I have a boyfriend”.

If I fall for someone, I will love him. I will cherish, inspire and care for him. He can do whatever he please and I will support him. I will be his light when there is darkness. I will be his best friend.

And whenever I feel down, I will remember the day I first used a wheelchair and then I’ll look at the success I’ve had and realize maybe things aren’t that bad.

Some Things Go Without Saying

Earlier this evening, I had to make a speech at a benefit about living life with Multiple Sclerosis and how I came to defeat my diagnosis. I brought my wheelchair with me, as a strong opener, and I was full of nerves. I’ve talked about MS a million times and thought tonight would be no different. Boy, was I wrong. My parents didn’t make it, but when I looked in the very front of the audience, I saw 7 close friends playing cheerleaders. I made it through most of the speech very well, until the end. As I was closing my speech speaking about how life has turned around for me, I looked at the faces of my 7 friends, some of the people I know from support groups, and completely broke down.

Through overwhelming tears of happiness, I expressed to everyone how never in my life, have I been this proud of myself. I spoke how I have MS, but will never let it have me. After I was finished, the room was loud and all I remember seeing was everyone standing, clapping. Backstage, crying continued during emotional hugs and well wishes. My phone was filled with “good luck” and love messages. It then dawned on me that not only will MS never have me, I will never let anything negative have me again.
I will turn everything around for the positive.
I will leave the people that bring me down.
I will love and respect myself.
I will love and respect my friends.
I will give my life every single ounce of effort I have left in me to make it amazing.

It will be almost five years this February. All of the hospital visits, time in rehab, battling my wheelchair and learning to walk again has made any other problems so very trivial.

Like a friend said, “if you can conquer that, you can pretty much conquer anything”.

The Finish Line