I always thought I had a handle on my diagnosis, or that I somehow came to terms with it a long time ago. I knew what it was, I knew what I could and couldn't do about it, and I knew I had to learn how to juggle a normal life vs. not so normal.
But I'm starting to think that wasn't the case. I kept thinking of the last post I wrote... I think I was living life pretending to be a normal girl just in general. With everyone. And with everything. I think I kept on living the life I had 6 years ago, just hoping for the best. Instead, I lost myself somewhere. I started to over-analyze everything, becoming critical of everything I did because I think I knew deep down I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't being honest with myself. And as soon as I thought I was actually being true to myself, guard doors came up and I refused to let anyone in. Talk about scared and self-conscious, huh?
For awhile now, I've been under a lot pressure to do really well in school. I think the more my family sees I do well, the more my health is nothing but an after-thought -- something that really isn't there. And the more I played party girl or the social butterfly with acquaintances, the more they saw me as just as normal as they were. Then I would play the same exact persona with some guy I was into, just by habit. It made me do stupid and crazy shit -- I was acting like something I have never been before.
And there it was -- pressure. The never-ending feeling that I couldn't relax and just enjoy the moment because I was constantly playing a role of what I perceived to be normal, or something everyone wanted.
It's been an interesting week, but I'm excited to see how everything plays out. Even though being myself seemed so hard in the past, it's been a breath of fresh air. I haven't felt this relaxed in ages. And I'm not saying it's going to take a day, or a week... but finding yourself doesn't have to be a bad thing.
