Six weeks of intensive physical and occupational rehab was enough for my insurance company. I left the hospital in a wheelchair, only to come home to two flights of stairs, carpet and very slim door frames. It's safe to say my mobility was very limited in my own home, which was back with my parents.
I had at-home therapy almost every day of the week. Luckily, my parents lived at an apartment complex with a gym so I was able to have equipment to help with recovery. I also had four IV-steroid transfusions and gained close to 20lbs. Instead of throwing away all of my size 2's, I kept them tightly packed in plastic as a promise to lose the steroid weight. On top of that, the steroid's left my cheeks swollen like a chipmunk. Staying in a hospital for close to three months limits a girl's ability to keep her hair A+. My color grew out and my natural red hair grew back in. I looked very different from the girl who first checked into the hospital.
As time passed, I went from a wheelchair, to a walker and then finally to a cane. Not wanting the cane I'd see in a retirement home, I picked out a nice black one with map detailing on it. I was ready to get back into the world and continue on with my life. Having the ability to walk again gave me strength and confidence to wake up in the morning. I also figured my friends would realize I was still recovering so I wouldn't be in tip-top shape. I was wrong.
"What the hell is that thing?" Maria scoffed.
"It's my new cane. Cool, huh?" I coolly played off.
"It's kinda ugly!"
Still, Maria and I had plans to go spend the day together. My parents told her to be careful with me and to keep it slow. They were very over-protective of my health since my coming home. Since I was walking with a cane and slightly gimp, I could tell she was embarrassed. Maria always would walk 10 steps ahead of me wherever we went that day. Even though I should have known, our day out was cut short and I would never hear from Maria again.
A few days later, I had plans to spend the day with a group of girls to film a music video. I was cast for the video before the MS even happened, so my appearance from size 2 to size 6 was surprising. I also decided to leave my cane at home and pretend I was in perfect shape, leaving the house in 5" heels. I thought if I took baby steps, I would be safe. I didn't think about balance problems that came from Multiple Sclerosis.
The girls at the video shoot avoided me. I was left standing alone most of the day while the other girls ganged up together to poke a little fun at me. What a nightmare of a flashback from grade school. To make matters worse, we were shooting in June and it was in the middle of a heatwave. I never shot a music video before, so I didn't know there would be a lot of sitting around in-between takes. Not only could I feel my makeup melting off, my legs started to shake in my heels and I became very unsteady. Three hours in, we had to shoot a scene where all 5 of us girls had to walk down a tiny stairwell on itty bitty steps. On the first two takes, I did okay but I knew my body was giving up on me. Take three, I felt my legs give under me and I went flying down the stairwell like a dumb drunk in high heels. Once I was on my feet, I hung onto anything to give myself support. To my embarrassment, about 40 people watched and laughed. I struggled to get up from the dirty, cigarette covered bar floor but my legs felt as if my muscles had dissipated. No one came to help and the crew kept on filming me. The video is somewhere out there, shots of me here and there, but I was mostly cut out.
After a few more incidents of either being embarrassed or doing the actual embarrassing, I swore to never leave the house again (to my parents approval). I would stay in every weekend with my parents watching a movie and spend my weekdays at the apartment's gym strengthening my legs again.
On the flip side, the anger I had built in me gave me incredible motivation to get myself in better shape than I was before. I told myself I would be better person, have better friends and I wouldn't let this nightmare break me, but make me stronger.
