A New Beginning

I received quite a few messages from my past post about the 7 Stages.  I wish there was something more I could do, I really do.

Some people could very well move past though stages with grace, and some might become stuck.  I know it took me a very, very long time to get through those stages and I'm still very much in the process of acceptance.  So yes, I get a lot of you... I try to.
 

The old me after a night of boozin' @ 24 yrs old

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had many many friends (but not really the friends you wanted to have), she lived life in the fast lane and never looked back.  The only thing I cared about what was happening in the present, which wasn't much at all, but at the time I thought life was pretty damn rad.  But it took me a long time to figure out that I'm not that person anymore (probably up until very recently too).

There came a point where I realized I had to start all over again -- new job, new school, new friends, new boyfriend, new everything.  I also realized that dealing with situations, loving someone, friendships, all of that I once thought I had a handle on would never be the same.  After my diagnosis, I had to re-learn everything all over again, like a newborn.  Old me would have dealt with situations by pretending they weren't there, drinking the problem away or doing stupid any immature kid at that age would.  So not only was I now older, I had extreme health issues.

Being in school again at my age is no picnic.  It's hard to make friends... am I expected to do keg stands with 22 year old kids?   And doing makeup, something I loved to do, was more difficult with symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis.  I had to learn new techniques, I had to go to classes again and re-build my reputation because who wants an artist with an uneasy hand?

Most recent picture of me and my BFF Fio

And friends... well, true ones, of course.  I still know the people from the past, actually tried to resurrect them again somehow trying to build a mirage of my old former self.  In all honesty, I hang out with the same few people, people I truly love and consider real friends.  Sometimes I'll spend time with friends I haven't been so close with; a drinking buddy is more of a proper term I guess. Trying to make new friends in your mid-20's with a disease isn't so easy.  All the people I've known for most of my life had moved, "grown up" or couldn't handle me being in a wheelchair.  Like I was saying to someone earlier tonight... tons of people I know will write on my Facebook wall about how much they miss me.  It kind of irritates me, you know?  I'm not dead.  I didn't move 1,000 miles away.  Call a bitch up, yo.  Seriously.  You can't miss me that much if you can't use a phone.

And dating is just a disaster.  The first time I had my chance at it, my first gut-reaction was to pretend I was the girl I used to be in order to.... I don't know.... impress.  To make it look like I was like any other normal girl.  I said dumb shit.  I did crazy things.  Think of it this way -- you begin dating as a whole new you: new set of emotions, new set of goals, with a new personality.  I had a handle on my past relationships because I was comfortable with myself, I've had serious boyfriends before and at the time, they were successful... but now I'm different.  And even if the person you are with considers it 'games' (I hate that word), I understand you ladies.  To the way you handle a fight, to the way you show feelings, to the way you open yourself up to someone is all brand new territory.  We are all capable of crazy shit.  It's almost like you are entering in your very first relationship.

On the other hand, I'd still try to use those immature techniques I did when I thought I knew-it-all.  I remember once, I purposely started a fight just to see a reaction.  That's kiddie shit, that's shit I did when I was 23 years old.  Now, I knew very well I was doing it, although I didn't like doing it, I didn't want to do it, but up until that point... I had absolutely no lessons on healthy communication.  I'll always feel bad for Chunks in a way, because he met me at a time when I was re-building myself and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, behaving in a way I would never behave, a way even my own friends found foreign to see.  I put that guy through hell at times, and for what?  To try high and hell water to have him not see me as a 'sick girl'?  Luckily, I can learn and take away from that.

On the upside, I feel more confidant than ever.  I can honestly say I know what I want.  If in my heart I feel like what I'm doing is the wrong way to handle something, then now I know which way is right.  Do you understand?  I once had a fear the people I've grown close with wouldn't like the 'new' me.  They met the old one, ya know?  But these past few weeks have been incredibly amazing because it's the first time in years I have been able to be myself -- whether someone likes that or not.

I wish you guys the best of luck.