Sometimes a man gets carried away,
when he feels like he should be having his fun.
The death of someone so young, especially your own age, puts so much in perspective. What have you done so far to claim your own? Have you done something to be proud of yourself 10 years from now?
Many friends are involved in loving relationships, trying for a family, buying homes, finishing their higher education, or just overall starting the beginning of their lives. I may not have any of those yet, but my accomplishments are more internal. There is no more time to put aside, make things complicated and play games. My friendships have more value, my goals have more of a long-term purpose and my feelings on relationships have changed dramatically. There are a lot of “ohhh, I get it now” thoughts, almost like I’ve been too deaf and dumb to learn how to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
However, change isn’t always the most comfortable feeling. For instance, it’s been a long time since I’ve been in some kind of meaningful relationship, friendship or romantically. But then I look back on how my relationships developed and eventually ended. I’m not a bitter-betty or look back pessimistically, I feel as if I’m finally mature and confident enough to know what is right and what is wrong. Lately, I’ve been becoming extremely close with a few wonderful people that I’m fortunate enough to have in my life. These friendships have taken on a whole different meaning.
Also, I watch my friends in their romantic relationships, which come full-circle. It’s been quite a few years since I’ve agreed to a relationship. I didn’t think I was ready to love someone else unconditionally; I still had a lot to learn and I don’t think I loved myself enough let alone love someone else. And just like my friendships, I would like something to develop just the same – naturally, something that feels right and something that comes easy. Yeah, having Multiple Sclerosis brings baggage, but my diagnosis has given so much self-respect and understanding of what great love is, I finally feel like I’m able to share it with someone else, like I do with my best friends.
I share my love with my friends, my family, my MS family and it’s such an amazing feeling to have. My love for them is completely unselfish.
Only a couple months ago, I dived back into dating again for the first time since my diagnosis. I thought it would be like riding bike but boy, was I wrong. Two great guys I met had potential, but I don’t think I was ready just yet and things got a little weird or carried away. It took quite a lot of dates and courting with different guys over the past few weeks to put myself on the right track. I realized that things don’t have to be hard and feelings don’t have to be dramatic.
And here is my conclusion: I’m too old and tired to fight, to do damage or create strife that is unnecessary. Will I ever meet someone that feels the way I do? Its nothing to lose sleep over or feel pressure about because I know it will eventually happen. It’s the fact that I finally welcome it and I’m comfortable with the possibilities.
