Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be okay now,
You can let go
I keep thinking of what a difference 5 years has made. Nine o’clock on a Tuesday night, in a quiet hospital room, I was being told a diagnosis that would change my life forever. At that time, I thought it was the end of my life; forever ended. I will never be sure at what point I decided to not give up and fight to be healthy again. There were many days I spent at home with my parents, with absolutely nothing to do. I thought “this is my life now”, many of times. I guess it doesn’t really matter what made me try to move my ass out of a wheelchair – what matters is that I eventually did. My future was soooo in the balance. Where would I go? What would I do? I felt like I wasted so much time. A lot of that time was spent reflecting on life, about what I’ve done in the past, what I may have done to deserve this, and what I should do to change.
I’ve been very emotional lately. I just put down a deposit on a beautiful, Victorian apartment in Philadelphia where I’ll be living by myself. In the fall, my career in the medical field begins. And I’m doing extremely well in school. I can’t explain what this transition feels like. At one moment, you want to die, you want to throw in the towel and call it quits. The next, you are working so hard, so hard on something you have absolutely no idea what will come about it. And then when all that hard work pays off, it is the most awarding feeling I have ever felt in my life.
Also, the thought of saying goodbye to my mother and father kills me inside. It’s not a permanent goodbye at all. I’ve been through so much with them. It’s like, for the past 5 years, my parents have been teaching me how to ride a bike with training wheels. Now the moment comes when they have to take off the training wheels and just let me go -- a scary moment for all of us.
Not only have I been emotional, my parents have been too. My mother likes to read my blog, my encouraging messages I get from women all over. She tells me all of the time how I’m a different person, how proud of me she is, and I can feel it. My father, on the other hand, was in a constant foul mood. The thought of me leaving killed him a little inside too… perhaps a lot. But he kissed me on the forehead and said, “Natalie, you’ve earned it.”
My point is family is the most crucial thing in anyone’s life. Through thick and thin, that blood runs strong. They may annoy the hell out of you some days, other days may be extremely stressful, but through it all, there is a whole lotta love. And I think that love may have been the moment I decided it was time to not give up hope, and try, try my best to not only make myself happy, but my family happy.
