I'm high-school crushin' here.
I might have talked about the guy before, but I'm not going to go any more into it. It's someone I used to hang out with, but it kind of got... interrupted? Anyway, we always remained in touch and we've become really close lately.
I'm crushin' like giggling fits, re-reading a text 4 times over before you sent it out... but he has no idea I'm interested. Maybe he does. We text back and forth almost all day, which is huge because I'm not much of a text-er, but I seriously feel 12 when I hear that "beeeep!" from my cell phone.
However, this time I'm going to try something different. If I'm too sick to go out that night, I'll tell him. If he wants to know where I was Wednesday night, I was at a support group. If he wants to know about my health, he'll know. If he wants to meet Fio, he'll meet her... he'll meet my friends, and not 100 acquaintances.
If I want to get involved with someone, I want them to like me for who I really am and not appear to be. There's no pretending to be normal here -- I am who I am, like it or not. My life, my true life, will be open and waiting to be discovered and not a persona of a normal girl I wish I was (or the one I used to be). I'm doing the exact opposite I did with Chunks... which is, I guess, being myself and not pretending someone I'm not. I've had a lot of clarity to look back on things. And although I know in my heart I'm over Chunks, and those feelings aren't there anymore, I'm not over what I've done.
And one last thing I'm going to do right: be friends. I want to get to know him and I want him to get to know the real me before all that smoochy-face stuff happens. I want to see if a friendship can build a solid foundation. Then, just let things fall into place and enjoy it for what it is.
Not looking for a relationship, but just someone to have an awesome time with.
I'm just... happy. Having more clarity, my head is clear, my heart is full and I'm just happy. For the first time in awhile, there is no seriousness, no drama, nothing bringing me down. I wake up in the morning and I get EXCITED. Crazy! I was in a funk for the longest time. Over analyzing everything, over thinking everything, going stupid crazy worrying about shit that had absolutely no merit... and finally... FINALLY, I am able to just sit back and enjoy it. And that's saying a lot.
So, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to try to be a little more social at school. I'm moving soon and I'll be meeting new people. I'll make it a point to spend more time with friends. I'm making sure I don't let a fog of booze take over my life, because I really want to enjoy life for what it is. I feel like for months, I've been trying to solve a puzzle and I had no idea what the answer was, what I was doing wrong and why I wasn't satisfied. I don't know how to explain it... but I feel awesome.
