I Love The Smell Of A Church

Today, I was inside a church for the first time in 15 years.  I was born and raised Catholic -- went to Catholic school, have a Confirmation name (Cecilia), went to church every Sunday and celebrated all the religious holidays.  There came a point where I became really angry with God and denounced the church after my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  I remember one day, a priest came in to pray with me and I took out my anger on him.  I felt betrayed and abandoned by my own religion, the religion I had followed loyally since I was born.

Me & my dad, going to Sunday church in Philly

My beliefs as an adult have never revolved around "God".  I do, however, believe in a Higher being, whomever that may be.  I don't believe you have to show your worship at a church.  If God is truly omnipresent, He will hear me no matter where I am.   Do I believe in a Heaven?  I'm not sure.  I do believe our bodies become one with the Earth, whether it is a body or ash, we become one with water, with ground and with air.  When I coded a few months ago in the hospital after suffering from pneumonia, I do believe I experienced death.  A medical explanation will tell you when the body begins to die, endorphins are released to the brain, which would explain why I felt so incredibly happy during those moments before they brought me back.

So today, I went into the hospital's chapel, dipped two fingers into the blessed cup, made the sign of the cross and knelt down on a pew. 

I said:  Listen up... I know me and you haven't always seen eye to eye, and I know I've done things that would consider me going to Hell in every religion, but I need your help.  I need your help very badly.  My father, who shows no shame telling everyone I'm his favorite, my father who suffered since I was 11 years old, an 11 year old with health problems, my father who works so damn (sorry God) bad... he needs your help too. 

My dad is worse than the doctors originally thought.  He will need open heart, triple by-pass surgery.  I am trying to be as positive as I can in this situation, especially for my family.  And all of this has brought our family closer.  I worry most about my mother.  They've been together for 40 years -- my dad is all my mother has ever known.  So, I don't know what to do other than to be her rock.

Friends, readers... I need you.  I have to emotionally support a very big family, but I don't have any support for myself.  I am beside myself -- my father is the most important person in my life.  I have no idea what I would do if something bad happens.  It will literally break me.