A week ago, I had a new symptom. I had heartburn so badly before I left the house. At the time I thought it was nerves (I’ll get to that later) but the acid reflux lasted 5 days. I didn’t eat anything for the last week; I couldn’t. To have some kind of protein, I drank slim fast and smoothies, but the milk was irritating. It felt like someone poured honey down my throat and it was stuck. Turns out, it was a symptom of MS. I was experiencing a spasm in my esophagus.
Then just a few days ago, my eye felt like I had been straining it, like staring at a computer screen for hours all day. My vision is blurry in my right eye, and I keep seeing flashes of light when I close my eye.
Last night, I went out to the mall. My right leg fell asleep and stayed that way throughout the night. The whole time, I was hoping no one noticed. The past few days, I haven’t told anyone about my recent symptoms. I was hoping I wouldn’t notice.
A trip to the hospital would kill me emotionally at this point.
Now, back to the nerves. Even after all of these years, I’m still slowly creeping back into my regular social life. Social rejection I experienced after my diagnosis has left me so afraid of people, but I’ve been making a lot of improvements trying to change that.
However, I do regress to the past. I’ve been getting in touch with old friends, old flings, boyfriends, only for the comfort -- especially old boyfriends. It’s the only few times I can feel like myself.
With the consequences of risking old feelings and repercussions, I’ve been flirting with my past just to avoid the social loneliness a diagnosis gives.
